Tomorrow

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. NIV Matthew 6.34

I think this should become my new mantra.

A statement that I repeat to myself over and over until my heart and head finally learn to understand and accept it.

Why do I allow myself to worry so much?

To worry about everything and for everyone.

I need to concentrate on the now.

This moment

Right now

The present

My mind is always worrying days, weeks in advance.

Tripping over negative thoughts.

Falling over my anxiety

I’m forgetting about this moment, about living this time.

Living for the moment, have I ever allowed myself the gift of this.

Have I ever been allowed this?

Always the organiser, always the planner.

Always the grown up, always the responsible one.

I want to view the world with a child like innocence.

To go with the flow

To leave tomorrow to itself

To leave next week, next month to its own devices.

To trust

To stand in faith.

Losing my way

I haven’t blogged for the last few days. I wish I had a valid reason but I don’t, I just needed time out for a while.

Sometimes I get lost in a abyss of stress and frustration trying to answer the questions of “who I am ?”and “what do I want out of life?”

I don’t know why these things happen, some say depression, some say hormones I just simply say “life sucks”

But you know what that’s okay because at times life does suck an its okay you just take a step back and reassess, re-evaluate , what is it you want and what is it you need.

It’s simply a process that we all go through.

Please tell me it is, I’m sure I’m not the only one to feel this way at times.

fulfillment, fulfilment
a feeling of satisfaction at having achieved your desires
More General:
– satisfaction

Fulfilment, satisfaction, happiness are all completely oxymorons to me at this time.

I’m searching but to be honest I haven’t a clue what for.

How silly does that sound?

So please bare with me for a while. I’m hoping that I will do what my mom always tells me to do and “snap out of it”. But mostly I hope I do simply find my direction again.

My way

The parent’s guidebook didn’t warn me about this.

Being a parent isn’t easy. Yes you can buy books that guide you through conception to adulthood. Yet they don’t prepare you for the emotional impact of parenthood.

From the first moment you see this precious little thing you are determined to protect from all evil. To cherish and love with all your heart.

Fast forward 13 years that cute adorable bundle of love is screaming at you. Shouting that you are determined to ruin their lives. The question i ask myself daily is where did I go wrong?

Others have their opinions, my mom tells me I spoil them to much. My husband tells me I do to much for them. My mother in law tries to convince me all teenagers are like this.

Maybe they are all right.

I know I spoil them, I grew up with little I wanted them to have so much more.

Yes I do way to much for them, again I didn’t want them to have responsibilities like I had.

Yes teenagers are stroppy and moody it’s the influx of hormones that invade their bodies.

But the truth is my girls, my teenagers aren’t the one with the problem ( well maybe a few). I am.

When my daughter screams she hates me. My heart breaks, I take her words as gospel. I don’t see the teenage angst I just see she hates me.

I wait patiently at times for me to screw up. I accept that’s who I am.

It’s pathetic I know, I guess we would have to dig back to those childhood times to find the source of my issues but the truth is I am who I am.

And I really need to get over myself.

I need to accept perfection in motherhood is a myth. Maybe I have spoilt them, indulged them but one thing I do know is that I loved them with all my heart.

There does come a time when you have to step back at let them make their own mistakes. You cannot protect them from the lessons of life no matter how much you want to.

There is going to be times when my daughters hate me but I know there will be more times that they will love me.

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