I need to change my go to.

What do you do when life seems crazy and you feel like it’s all to much?

Do you have ways of calming yourself down, meditation, prayer or maybe wine?

I’m not really sure I have a method.

I seem to carry on and carry on until I have to sleep with complete exhaustion.

Only yesterday I realised I do something else when life gets stressful.

I pull away.

My phone stays silent,.

I ignore the notifications and I only communicate as and when.

It’s as if I can only cope with so much that I’m scared to open up in case it becomes more.

Yet in doing this I find myself alone, lonely.

It wasn’t always like this.

Something happened last year which left me hurting terribly.

It took away my naivety

It took away my trust

And why I have tried not to let it have a hold over me I realise it has.

My closing off and pretending I’m ok Is literally locking out those who wish to be there for me.

[Tweet “Punishing many for the few.”]

I apologise to those I have shied away from.

I see now all you were trying to do is be there for me.

I am truly grateful.

I can’t promise I won’t hold back or close off anymore.

[Tweet “But I can promise I will try.”]



Sometimes I wonder if anyone sees the real me

Sometimes I wonder if I actually know the real me under the fronts I use for protection

The mom

The wife

The daughter

The friend

I wonder if anyone can see me stripped down and bare.

Would anyone like what they see?

I start the day with a smile that hides so many things, worries, fears.

Exhaustion, exhilaration

But am I really bare without the roles I play.

Or are my roles pieces of the jigsaw that is in truth who I am.


Joining in again with Lisa-Jo’s Five minute Friday

Living in the moment

It’s been a strange few days. I have found myself getting lost in my memories. Precious moments when the pain of my loss was forgotten.

God granted us an amazing gift when he gave us memories.

I know there are times where I wish I could forget. Painful, traumatic times but I wouldn’t trade my memory in for anything.

Just to hear Livvy’s giggle in my mind. To remember her mischievousness, her sheer cheekiness.

It’s these memories and many others that keep me going, keep me sane.

I often wonder If we were to realise the importance of the moment would we live it different.

If we realised that maybe one day we will look back and hold on tightly to this time, this moment.

I wonder if I would let go of the worries that tie on to my heart. The stresses that effect my mood and the length of my smile.

Could or would I allow myself to live in the magic of the moment, to live and breathe the here and now without thought of tomorrow or the following days.

Who knows what tomorrow brings at times today is enough of a challenge.

As Jesus once said

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. (Matthew 6:34 ESV)

So I’m refusing to be anxious anymore, embracing the moments, celebrating the memories and just be thankful.