work – Rebel with kindness

I will let you in on a lesson I’m finally starting to learn. It hasn’t been a quick discovery I’ve had to wait until literally my body has betrayed me. The lesson is “Grief will find a way.”

It doesn’t matter how full you make your day, how many distractions you can find. Grief it’s a slippery emotion it either finds a crack in the armour or it simply bashes it’s way through.

I lost Daniel the end of April so I do accept it’s not been a long period of time but the truth is I feel like I did that day. Although others reassure me I don’t feel or see any growth. I’m broken and now my body has crashed so badly that I now cannot even find the energy to pretend.

I’ve been so poorly the last week or so, it started with vertigo, then an ear infection now issues with my Blood pressure and sugars. Now yes they all could be tied into my infection and my autoimmune condition but my GP believes that grief is playing a big part in my physical health.

I’m exhausted, from the moment I open my eyes the pain overwhelms me. I’m not waking to do Daniels medicine, I don’t have to turn off the pump. I’m not going to get that cheeky smile when I say “good morning”. Those are moments lost with my beautiful boy and before some tells me I have memories I know this but they don’t come close to the real thing.

I’ve tried to become someone else, I do enjoy my job and I want to be a super efficient employee now I’m off sick and just feeling like I’ve let the world down. I just cannot fight this infection, this exhaustion to be of any use.

I have so many presents to wrap even though I’ve cut down so much this year just looking at the piles it overwhelms me. I know I need to make more of an effort but it’s just not the same anymore. The tree is in the house and half way done but it still doesn’t feel right. I’m also hoping no one requires food over the holiday as the cupboards are bare and I just don’t have the energy to food shop.

Anyway back to grief, well it’s not like we ever left it but you know what I mean. Grief is a tapestry of emotions than come together to create an image of the missing. Every thought I have is a memory of my beautiful boy. My therapist tells me I’m grieving hard because I love hard and I know she is right, yet it’s scary at times. The overwhelming feeling of being so lost. Feeling empty, not recognising my own life.

But I guess I have no choice but to feel, hiding away doesn’t help, grief catches up with you. It grows in the denial. I just miss my beautiful boy, I just miss holding his hand in mine. I miss my arm aching from holding him whilst he sleeps. I miss his mischievous smile, I miss his voice as he shouts over my TV programme. I miss who I was when I was so blessed to be loving on him.

Daniel I miss you.

Maybe you should wait until you get over it?

It?

Getting over it?

Right I have to touch on a subject that is really starting to drive me crazy. I recently posted about my excitement regarding my new job only to recieve comments or questions regarding “should I go to work if I’m grieving?

Is it too soon, are you ready?

Maybe you should wait until you get over it?

I just want to be honest and tell you how I feel how I feel regarding these comments and this field of questioning. Firstly full disclaimer I truly do believe you all mean well…

But and I mean a gigantic but….

If I was to wait until I stopped grieving Daniel I would never work again because grief doesn’t have a time limit unless you count eternity as a valid measurement. So whilst there will always be tears and pain regarding Daniel I cannot wait until I’m over something that I’m never going to be over. Olivia passed over 14 years ago and I miss her daily, far from over it. Grief is a lifetimes journey.

Also can I just state that my husband returned to work and the comments he’s received have been “it’ll do you good” “good on you” “fantastic it will be good to keep yourself busy” not one comment saying should he not be staying off work and grieving, or it’s too soon. All I find remarkable because believe me his grief is as strong as mine and his heart is as broken. Is this a gender bias, the man has to be the provider, well you know what I feel about gender bias and discrimination of any form.

I know myself well enough to know what works for me, what I need and there is only so long I can sit in a pit of misery and missing without it consuming me. I need a purpose,(Daniel was the best purpose ever). But having a reason to get up in the morning is something I need in my life. I live to serve, to fight for change, to make a difference, this is who I am. I cannot change the fact that Daniel has gone, you don’t know how much I would want to, if love could have saved him he would be still in my arms but it didn’t and all I can do now Is to try an honour my gorgeous boy by living with purpose.

Also I need to be blatantly honest here, with the cost of living so high and rising how can I afford not to work? Daniels death did not stop my bills. No one is going to pay for me to sit at home and grieve it just doesn’t happen in fact the opposite happens, the day Daniel died any kind of money or support we were getting died with him ( don’t get me started on this). So I have to go back to work.

I cannot do sitting around,it’s just not me whilst I will always be grieving my beautiful boy I also know that I need to be moving, to be achieving and thankfully I’m entering into a field that I’ve wanted to work in for a long time. A field where I hope I can make a different. A job I hope will bring me the purpose I need. Nothing will change how much I am going to miss my beautiful boy, the agony of missing him is mine for a lifetime. The only thing I can hope for is that I can make him and his sisters proud and for me returning to work is now a step towards this.