There is only one stage for me.

September has begun and i am simply a mess.

 

It could be holiday blues.

 

It could be just plain exhaustion.

 

Or it could be that I’m just so very p*ssed off.

 

Yesterday was the first day of the new school year and it should of been the day that Livvy started Year 11.

 

Its crazy to think my baby would have been 16 next year, when the truth is she didn’t get to see double figures.

 

I don’t know how to feel right now.

 

Anger

 

Grief

 

Numb

 

Its a variety of emotions that seem to move with the wind.

 

I close my eyes and I try so hard to imagine Livvy as a teenager.

 

What would she be like?

 

Would she still be the little rock chick, dancing her heart out to Guns n roses.

 

Or would she have continued down the road she started with her love of skulls and all things gothic.

 

I imagine her sitting in her chair in Dr Martens, or maybe Converse.

 

I just don’t know.

 

 

 

It’s breaking me apart right now.

 

The not knowing what she would be like.

 

The not getting the chance to make those memories.

 

I was robbed of my baby girl.

 

She was robbed of her future

 

And its just not blooming fair.

 

Denial

 

Anger

 

Bargaining

 

Depression

 

Acceptance

 

The five stages of grief,

 

What a joke.

 

Stages are something you work through.

 

You finish one and then move on.

 

I’m not moving on.

 

I miss my daughter so much.

 

For me there is only one stage of grief

 

Simply heartbroken.

livvy3

 

 

Who am I? Who are you?

What would you say if I asked you “Who are you?” or “Who am I?”

I may read from my about me page but is that really who I am?

Partly

I am a crazy tattooed mum to four amazing young ladies..

A foster mum to one very special young man.

I am a gothic loving lady who is finally learning to love her plus sized body.

A new lover of fashion and with a complete addiction to books.

 

Yet I am also a woman who thinks way to much and often gets lost inside my own head.

I worry all the time.

From

Have i done that right?

Are the kids ok?

Will they like me?

To

Why are children dying?

Why are there so many wars?

Why do some have so much when others have nothing?

 

It’ so hard to answer the question “who am I?”

I think I can only answer this as who I am right now.

 

Life is always evolving.

I am not the person I was 10 years ago.

I am not the person I was last month.

In fact I am not the same person as I was yesterday.

 

Life, events, circustances and people they change me.

who am I

 

So what would you answer if I asked you ” who are you?”

 

Blogging should be fun not frightening

Sometimes I find myself sitting at the keyboard completely blank.

Its as if my words have just disappeared.

I want to write words that are wise and full of wisdom.

Yet I am far from wise and as for wisdom, heck i don’t even have wisdom teeth.

When did blogging become frightening for me?

When did i start to feel pressured by my own words?

I wonder if the influx of bloggers has made me more aware of my own writing.

To be honest I haven’t got a clue.

What i do know is that its time I got over myself.

When I started this blog i wrote because I simply loved it.

I wanted to share my life and experiences.

It didn’t matter if anyone actually read it.

My words were simply for me.

So this is where I need to get back to.

Finding my freedom in my words.

Blogging should be fun.

Not frightening.

 

Dr Maya Angelou

I was sat watching the sea when I heard the news.

 

My daughter phoned me when I was away to ask me if I had heard the news.

 

Dr Maya Angelou had died.

 

As the waves crashed against the shore.

 

I cried.

images-3

 

I didn’t know Dr Maya Angelou but when I read ” I know why the cage bird sings” it simply changed me.

Her strength, her determination got me through some dark days.

Her words gave me hope when I didn’t believe in it.

Even when life became lighter her words were still my inspiration.

I devoured her books, her writing, her poetry with a passion.

Her grit, 

Her courage

They filled my heart.

 

Dr Maya Angelou was a fighter, her advocacy in civil rights is a legacy on it’s own.

“She lived a life as a teacher, activist, artist and human being. She was a warrior for equality, tolerance and peace.”

 

Her families statement honour the beautiful lady she was.

 

I am so thankful for the words Dr Maya Angelou shared with the world.

 

Her writings were often close to the inner workings of my mind.

 

I bear one of her quotes on my arm.

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This quote is so true for the writer in me.

 

Yet it’s another which I live my life by.

 

“People will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

 

 

Dr Maya Angelou you have left this world a brighter richer place.

 

Your poetry, your stories, your voice have all left such a lasting legacy for the world.

 

Your were an inspiration to many.

 

You were my hope and strength.

 

Thank you Dr Maya Angelou for never giving up.

 

“Listen to yourself and in that quietude you might hear the voice of God.”

 

Bless Heaven Dr Maya Angelou as you blessed the earth.

 

Turning the page

As any writer will tell you there are times when the words flow and others when each word written feels like it has been torn from your soul.

I often have days of both.

One thing that seems to free up the gates of inspiration is when I am writing about something that I am passionate about, surprising hey.

A month or so ago I received and email from the company i worked for telling me about a competition that was being run by Irwin Mitchell Solicitors and KIDS. They challenged us to write a piece about disability, either from living with one or caring for someone who had one.

Of course this set me off and before long I had emailed my entry in.

Now this was rather surprising for me as I normally hold back in fear of rejection but as part of my nothing ventured, nothing gained new outlook I decided why not.

Well imagine my joy to receive an email telling me that I was joint winner of the 18 and over category.

I have won an amazing prize of a Kindle Fire but I will also get to see my words in a book they are making to raise money for KIDS.

I am super excited about it all and cannot wait to get my own copy.

If you would like to read what I wrote and the amazing winning entries in other categories please take a look here. My piece is called Never say never.

I”m so glad that i didn’t allow my fear and insecurities stop from entering this time.

[Tweet “Nothing ventured, nothing gained”]

Sometimes you have to fight to be happy.

Someone once told me that “happiness is a choice”.

I’m not sure if I fully grasped at the time what they meant but over the last five years I have had to choose.

Choose to be happy. 

You see emotions are like waves, sometime’s they can be calm and peaceful.

Yet at moments they can be raging against the elements, wild and unforgiving.

waves

 

Grief especially is a whirlpool.

It tries it’s hardest to suck you down into the depths of despair.

So I have had to fight.

Fight to be happy.

And you know what thats ok.

I’ve learned a great lesson in life

That happiness isn’t a given.

You have to look for it

At times you really have to search for it.

You have to remind yourself that darkness is only the absence of light.

So you have to look for that light.

I call that light hope.

I find the light in my children’s laughter.

Listening to their plans and dreams for the future.

It’s there in memories that I hold dear to my heart.

Never forgetting the strength and courage of the one I have lost.

I find my light in the knowledge that life is for living.

That I have to make each moment count.

It’s there in the promise that one day I will hold my daughter again.

Sometimes life gets does get hard and I find myself fighting against the waves.

Frightened that I’m drowning.

But I still search for the light.

The promise of a new day.

The chance to make another memory.

I remind myself that although the whirlpool will never leave me.

I don’t have to let it consume me.

Keep swimming

Ride the waves

Tomorrow is always a chance for hope.

tomorrow

Choose happiness 

 

 

 

Speak life

I watched this video yesterday and loved it . The message is so simple and so true.

Words can heal.

Words can wound.

Words can make a day brighter.

Words can surround one in darkness.

Words can build one up.

Words can tear one down.

Words spoken.

Words typed.

Words in any form are powerful.

Choose your words carefully

and

Choose to speak life.