Because thats who I am.

I was lying in bed last night and thinking about my blog when suddenly I was filled with fear. I realized that I was sharing my heart open and honest to anyone who wishes to read it.

Its like walking up a stranger in a shop and telling them my deepest darkest feelings

I wondered if I actually had got it before, really understood what I am doing when I allow my fingers to roam the keyboard and click the button saying publish.

Its a strange feeling knowing that someone you have never met knows your heart.

For a couple of minutes I actually thought twice.

Maybe its time to stop blogging.

Maybe I should start filtering my feelings, censoring my words.

Then after a while I began to wonder why?

Why do I need to hide who I truly am?

So what if strangers have read my words, in fact i am actually glad they have. Maybe one person has heard my heart and knows that they are not alone.

Sometimes the gift of company is all you need to face the day.

Knowing that tomorrow will come and somehow you will survive.

Understanding that everyone everywhere has a journey they need to take.

That we all get lost and lose our way.

Accepting that life is lousy at times.

We hurt, we ache and sometimes we break.

This blog is my heart and yes at times I may over share but who cares?

I have finally learned something,

Really understood something I should have always known.

Being me is ok, 

The ups and downs they make me who I am

And who I am is pretty awesome over sharing and all.

So there will be no filtering no censorship just pure raw Sara.

It may get messy.

But it will always be true.

Because thats who I am.

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A good place.

You know what I’m in a good place right now.

The beginning of this year has brought me many changes, hard decisions and a lot of heartache.

I have doubted who I am, stood in judgement on myself.

It wasn’t good and for a while there I was scared.

Scared of falling into the darkness.

Thankfully I didn’t, even in the midst of it all I held on for the light.

And it came.

I’m happy.

Yeah that feels so good to say that.

I’m happy.

I don’t find it easy to be in that happy place. I struggle so much with guilt, fear and just the burning desire to be liked.

Happiness isn’t my natural go to point.

But finally I’m in that place where I want to shout out.

HEY YOU KNOW WHAT, IM GOOD

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It’s more than just the dress

After my last blog post about my amazing weekend I have a confession to make.

Yes the ball was a great experience.

Yes it was amazing to be with my good friends.

But I really really struggled.

People who have met me in real life will know that I’m an outgoing person who will pretty much chat to anyone.

But I am also rather insular.

I need my own space.

I hate crowds

I hate feeling like I’m not myself.

This is what happened this weekend.

It seems silly but the moment I put on my dress for the ball my confidence left me.

People using the words beautiful

Refined

Elegant

So not me.

I wasn’t comfortable

I didn’t feel real

Why did I do this to myself?

Even when ordering the dress I knew I wasn’t going to feel great in it.

I don’t do elegant, I do black and gothic.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

When out of our normal day to day life why do we put on a facade.

Why isn’t who we are good enough?

I’ve learned a valuable lesson and it’s a lot more to do with me than the dress.

It’s ok to hate crowds

It’s ok to love your jeans

And it’s ok to be me.

The crazy thing is my friends on this evening out have been my friends through the good times and my friends through the hardest times too.

They love me regardless.

Our friendships were forged on campsites where no-one I mean no-one can look great emerging out of a sleeping bag in the middle of a field.

We loved each other through morning breathe and we loved each other through many bottle of wines.

I had no need to pretend.

They love me for who I am.

Now i have only got to learn to accept these things about myself and the lesson will be truly learnt.

Oh and of course I need to find the perfect gothic dress just in case.

Bare

Sometimes I wonder if anyone sees the real me

Sometimes I wonder if I actually know the real me under the fronts I use for protection

The mom

The wife

The daughter

The friend

I wonder if anyone can see me stripped down and bare.

Would anyone like what they see?

I start the day with a smile that hides so many things, worries, fears.

Exhaustion, exhilaration

But am I really bare without the roles I play.

Or are my roles pieces of the jigsaw that is in truth who I am.

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Joining in again with Lisa-Jo’s Five minute Friday

Explaining Me

I’ve been thinking a lot about scripture and how some verses just cling to your hearts. They pop up in your thoughts at given times.

When you are exhausted you can one think of one with strength.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
(Psalms 46:1-1, NIV)

When you are lost, one reminds you of direction.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
(Psalms 32:8, NIV)

When you are scared one reminds you to trust.

Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.
(Isaiah 26:4, NIV)

I have many that inspire, consume and replenish my soul.

The verse you see below was the inspiration behind naming this blog it is one I hold dear to my heart. I know my life has been blessed many times by angels.

Remember to welcome strangers because some that have done this have welcomed angels without knowing it. Hebrews, 13.1

Yet the last 6 months I’ve been searching for something that will explain me.

I get a lot of people asking me how I do what I do, how I’ve survived what I have.

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This simply explains it all. I don’t do it alone , all that I do, all that I achieve is because of and through Christ Jesus.