Grief is like the ocean

On July 19, 2014 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, Uncategorized1 Comment

Grief is like the ocean.

Sometimes it feels as if I am drowning sinking deeper and deeper into the dark.

Fighting again gigantic waves that would be a surfer dream.

Other times I can see the beauty all around me.

Moving gently as the warm water lulls around me.

It’s strange but one thing I am learning is that grief is unique. Everyone feels, hurts, heals in there own time.

Last night all I could think about was my beautiful Livvy.

My heart forever broken was tearing me inside out.

The missing had become almost unbearable.

I just wanted to hold her in my arms again.

I was angry at losing her.

Angry that the world just carried on without her.

The early hours seemed endless.

As the storm crashed outside one built up inside me.

So I cried.

In fact I cried harder that I had in a long time and it was fantastic and so needed.

When I hold on to the pain inside it consumes me. So releasing it is freedom.

So as the tears fell my anger did to.

I understand that no-one knows what is around the corner for them. Healthy children get ill, planes crash and the world at times can be a truly awful place, wars, genocide and murder.

Yet for nine years I got to have my baby with me. I got to receive the gift of being her mom and for that I would spent many more nights in tears.

Life hasn’t gone how I had dreamed. In fact I am so far of course it’s crazy. But it has given me the greatest gifts I could ever of asked for. My beautiful girls.

I miss Livvy so much and I can guarantee that there will be many more nights like last night.

That’s ok this ocean journey isn’t over yet.

But as Psalm 30.5 reminds is “Joy comes with morning “.

I am so grateful I am Olivia’s mom and I know one day we will meet again.

Sometimes you have to fight to be happy.

On March 31, 2014 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Someone once told me that “happiness is a choice”.

I’m not sure if I fully grasped at the time what they meant but over the last five years I have had to choose.

Choose to be happy.

You see emotions are like waves, sometime’s they can be calm and peaceful.

Yet at moments they can be raging against the elements, wild and unforgiving.

Grief especially is a whirlpool.

It tries it’s hardest to suck you down into the depths of despair.

So I have had to fight.

Fight to be happy.

And you know what thats ok.

I’ve learned a great lesson in life

That happiness isn’t a given.

You have to look for it

At times you really have to search for it.

You have to remind yourself that darkness is only the absence of light.

So you have to look for that light.

I call that light hope.

I find the light in my children’s laughter.

Listening to their plans and dreams for the future.

It’s there in memories that I hold dear to my heart.

Never forgetting the strength and courage of the one I have lost.

I find my light in the knowledge that life is for living.

That I have to make each moment count.

It’s there in the promise that one day I will hold my daughter again.

Sometimes life gets does get hard and I find myself fighting against the waves.

Frightened that I’m drowning.

But I still search for the light.

The promise of a new day.

The chance to make another memory.

I remind myself that although the whirlpool will never leave me.

I don’t have to let it consume me.

Keep swimming

Ride the waves

Tomorrow is always a chance for hope.

Choose happiness

A peaceful few days

On July 29, 2012 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

It’s so peaceful here in South Wales it’s such a uncommercialized area, just beauty in the natural as God created it.

I confess I really don’t wish to go home. I’m at peace in such a way I havent felt for what seems such a long time.

Years ago when we first got married Alan and I had considered packing up and moving away to somewhere like this, but I think the fear of the unknown stopped us and of course the need to be where the jobs was.

Do I regret our decision to be honest I don’t know, with Livvys health issues it was nice knowing that an ambulance could be at our door in less than 10 minutes and that a fantastic children’s hospital was a 30 minute journey away.

Would I move here now?

I don’t think so I’m not sure my girls will be happy to give up the life they have known, the schools, the friends the boyfriends and I’m not sure I could live Livvy’s grave even though I know she isn’t there.

I have really enjoyed my week at the beach and I know my youngest would move in a shot, we have discovered she is a real surfer chick but life here full time would be different.

Maybe if we win the lottery a move may happen or at least a holiday cottage.

Never have I felt so relaxed but i do wonder if I would have been so calm if the teens were with me. Besides a few autistic melt downs it’s been so peaceful and having no one tell me that I am ruining their lives has done me good for a few days.

Rebel with kindness

Tag: waves