Grief is like the ocean.
Sometimes it feels as if I am drowning sinking deeper and deeper into the dark.
Fighting again gigantic waves that would be a surfer dream.
Other times I can see the beauty all around me.
Moving gently as the warm water lulls around me.
It’s strange but one thing I am learning is that grief is unique. Everyone feels, hurts, heals in there own time.
Last night all I could think about was my beautiful Livvy.
My heart forever broken was tearing me inside out.
The missing had become almost unbearable.
I just wanted to hold her in my arms again.
I was angry at losing her.
Angry that the world just carried on without her.
The early hours seemed endless.
As the storm crashed outside one built up inside me.
So I cried.
In fact I cried harder that I had in a long time and it was fantastic and so needed.
When I hold on to the pain inside it consumes me. So releasing it is freedom.
So as the tears fell my anger did to.
I understand that no-one knows what is around the corner for them. Healthy children get ill, planes crash and the world at times can be a truly awful place, wars, genocide and murder.
Yet for nine years I got to have my baby with me. I got to receive the gift of being her mom and for that I would spent many more nights in tears.
Life hasn’t gone how I had dreamed. In fact I am so far of course it’s crazy. But it has given me the greatest gifts I could ever of asked for. My beautiful girls.
I miss Livvy so much and I can guarantee that there will be many more nights like last night.
That’s ok this ocean journey isn’t over yet.
But as Psalm 30.5 reminds is “Joy comes with morning “.
I am so grateful I am Olivia’s mom and I know one day we will meet again.