I’m still here 

Hello, yes I’m still here.

I can only apologise for my lack of posts, life has been crazy. Besides the visit to London for the awards, numerous appointments and meetings I have also been writing my first assignment for my university course.

It’s been crazy.

To be fair I was not prepared for the step up in my life my degree was going to bring. 

That’s not to say I’m not loving every minute of it, I really am. It’s just harder that I realised to carve quality study time into my days.

I’m learning so many new things that my brain may explode. Honestly academic writing has totalled slammed me. I love to write and normally find words tumble out of me easily but that’s when they are my own thoughts and feelings. Academic writing doesn’t want my opinion ( how rude) it wants me to explain my understanding of the research. It’s been a steep learning curve but I’m loving every minute though my husband may not. Seems I get a little grumpy when stressed, who knew 😳.

Anyway I submitted my first official full assignment for my degree. I cannot tel you how sick I was. I truly felt that I had handed my soul over. I know, I know I’m being dramatic but truly I was so sick with nerves. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older and attending university is my dream or if it’s simply my desire to do well but pressing that submit button made me almost vomit. It just matters so much to me. 

Is that healthy? 

Anyway I apologise for my absence and hope to be more frequent in posts but no promises. 

Ooh and before I finish guess what? 

It’s nearly Christmas arrrrahhh 
  

As the year comes to an end…..

So its the end of another year.

A lot has happened in the last 365 days.

I became the parent to all teenagers

Then a few months later I became the parent of an adult. (crazy)

I also then had to wave the said adult off as she left for university

It has truly been a crazy year, at times it has felt my feet have barely touched the ground.

We are still fostering a handsome young man with special needs and he is certainly keeping us on our toes.

Livvy’s Smile is doing well, we have held some fantastic memory making days and been busy fundraising. We have also had our story featured in a weekly woman’s magazine.

Personally I have had my writing published in a book and also walked the catwalk as a plus size model.

It’s honestly been a go go year.

As I wave 2014 goodbye I do so with two emotions.

Pride and exhaustion.

Proud of all we have achieved.

Exhausted, well simply by achieving all we have achieved.

I am super excited for 2015 though.

I have so many hopes for this forthcoming year.

In September I start at university, this is something I have dreamed of for such a long time and I cannot tell you how excited I am.

I’m also modelling again at Style XL and have a couple of photo shoots already lined up.

We may be adding another foster child to our family, and the girls are still trying hard to drive me completely insane.

So yes 2015 I am looking forward to you.

But while I am not making any new year resolutions I am making myself some promises.

Firstly I’m going to learn how to take time for myself.

Allowing myself space to breath, stop feeling guilty about wanting time out.

Also working on my health and fitness, continue with my swimming and working on my diet, as in healthy food not weight loss (not that I wouldn’t mind shifting a pound or twenty). I’m also going to try and stop stressing about things i cannot change and stop letting others have power over me. Anxiety has had me for the last 38 years, no more.

Secondly I’m going to work harder on my marriage.

It’s so easy after 19 years of being with the same man to take him for granted. To take each other for granted. I want to work on cherishing each other, spending quality time together and having fun. Reminding my husband that I still love every inch of him and that i find him sexier now than ever.

Thirdly Im going to work on believing in myself more.

For too long I have let myself down, rejected compliments or turned away opportunities because I didn’t believe I could do them.

This next year is going to be different.

I am a bright, intelligent woman and I am going to embrace all that I am. Negativity and self disbelief can stay in 2014 where it belongs.

This woman is going places.

Fourthly I’m going to have fun and make more memories.

This year I want to be more spontaneous and just enjoy the moment.

Let go and just take each day as it comes.

Play more with the kids and generally try not to stress as much as I do.

 

So there you go, my 2015 promises to myself.

Still before this year comes to an end i want to thank all my readers for the support that they have given me.

Blogging has afforded me many opportunities but the greatest of all these has been the people I have connected with in real life and here in the virtual world.

Your comments, emails, tweets have all lifted me when I was low.

Inspired me when I was lost and loved me when I was lonely.

I started blogging in 2008 for different reasons than I write now, but as always in 2015 this blog will be my heart.

What you read is simply who I am.

Heart on my sleeve

Words on the page.

So with that I would like to say…….

BLOG NEW YEAR

My daughter is at university and i don’t miss her.

Ok maybe the title of the post was a little inflammatory but it is partly true.

You see my daughter is at university and yes whilst I do miss her I am glad she is gone.

 

Why?

 

Its simple she is living her dream.

The destiny her father and I have wanted for her.

She is studying at the university she wanted to attend.

She is loving the subject of her degree

She has made some amazing friends and is having masses of fun.

 

I am so proud of all she has achieved.

I am super excited for all the future has in store for her.

She is living her life to the full and i am loving watching her grow and change into a beautiful woman.

She is independent and feisty and I love it.

I love her.

 

It’s not about missing her.

It’s part of parenting.

We raise them and hope and pray we have instilled in them wisdom and strength.

Then we let them go.

It’s the bird flying the nest.

The continuance of life.

 

It isn’t easy but its not about me, its not about us her parents.

It’s about my child who is now taking the next step on her life’s journey.

As a mother I wouldn’t want anything more than to see my child fulfil her dreams.

So yes I am missing her,

But I am so proud of her for living her dream.

 

ofcourse i miss her

Is it to late?

I have a confession to make.

This whole university process with my daughter has made me jealous.

It has reminded me how much I wanted a degree.

University was never an option for me when I was younger . Life just got in the way. Now reading my daughters course literature and hearing her talk about lectures has really tore at my heart.

Don’t get me wrong I am so proud of my baby girl out there achieving her dream.

I’m just left with a lot of what if’s.

What if I went back to studying?

What if it didn’t work?

What if I failed?

Am I to old to achieve this dream?

Is it possible?

Can I afford it?

I don’t know right now all I do know is that I want to achieve something so desperately.

Is it to late for me to achieve my dreams?

What do you guys think?

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Dear Kennedy, when your daughter goes to university.

Dear Kennedy 

I can’t believe that we dropped you off at university yesterday.

I wasn’t sure how I would feel. 

Its been a rocky road the last few months a lot of arguments and clashes. 

I guess its the normal teenage desires to be an adult fighting with the mothering instinct to keep you safe.

I have jokingly said I couldn’t wait for this moment but I was wrong. 

It was harder than I imagined.

Driving away from the university leaving you behind was awful.

It honestly felt as if i was losing control.

I guess I am.

From the moment I gave birth the instinct to protect you was paramount. 

Every decision I make is about keeping you safe.

Now I have to let you go and just pray that i have raised you well and that you will keep  yourself safe.

Arrrahhhh its hard.

Harder than I imagined.

Kennedy you are my first born, everything I have learned about being a mom has come from you first.

The sleepless nights, the endless feeding to the stroppy teenage tantrums and the “ I know betters”.

Enjoy this next stage in your life sweetheart.

Grab every opportunity and live life to the full.

At times you have drove me to distraction but I am so proud of you baby girl.

You have wanted to be a history teacher for so long and now you are on the first step towards your dream.

Work hard and have fun.

Know that although we are a distance away you are never far from my thoughts.

May this be your stepping stone to your dreams.

Love you to the moon, stars and back again.

Be safe 

Mom xxx

 

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