I have just returned from a wonderful week in beautiful Wales.
I have loved every minute of it, from the beautiful sunsets to the endless beaches.
Its been a truly wonderful week.
It was a week I so needed, time to recharge and refresh my mind.
Time to allow the words to form and the passages to write.
I am feeling stronger that ever.
My heart and mind are on the same path.
This holiday was the first time I have gone back to this area of Wales without Livvy.
I honestly believed that it was going to have to be another first without her.
Yet it wasn’t because as I have enjoyed the views, cherished the sunsets and loved the ocean I have felt Livvy everywhere.
Memories cherished as memories made.
So as we start the new year I have been thinking a lot about the word I wish to lead me through the next 365 days.
The word that will represent all my hopes and prayers for 2015.
It isn’t easy finding one word which fits all your plans and ideas.
Still after thinking hard for a while I am going to go with the word.
This is a big step out of the ordinary for me.
You see I have never really allowed myself to dream.
Broken promises, painful situations and a lot of disappointment made me believe that dreams were for others and not for me.
It was something I accepted as just life.
I could hope but I couldn’t dream.
I was never the girl who dreamed of her wedding day.
Of the children she would have or career she would achieve.
Anxiety and disbelief stole away my dreams.
I cannot get excited for an event or a holiday until I am actually there and as for promises, well maybe we shouldn’t go there.
But this year is going to be different.
I am going to allow myself to dream and I’m going to see my dreams fulfilled.
I am going to dream that I can and will achieve my goals.
I will attend university.
I will move forward with this blog.
I will further my writing career.
I will put myself forward more.
I will look in the mirror and like what i see.
I will believe in me.
Its scary but it’s time.
My daughter returns from university today and yes I am so excited to see her.
So why did a friendly comment feel like I had been punched in the stomach?
My friend said “ I bet you are excited to have all the family back together’.
How simple and true is this comment.
Yes i am excited.
But my family will not all be back together.
You see there will always be a missing piece,
An empty place at the table.
A pile of presents that have not been bought.
On Christmas day only three of my girls will be celebrating it here with me.
Heaven holds the celebration for the other.
I want to say that i’m ok about it all, that i can be happy and enjoy the season but I can’t.
The ache in my heart is getting stronger and stronger as we head towards the 25th.
I hate that on Christmas day I have to visit the crematorium, that the only gift I can give to my daughter is flowers on her stone.
I want the air to echo with her laughter, the harmony of my four beautiful girls to play.
Yet all i can hear is the silence of the missing note.
Christmas is a special time of year, I love the wonder of it all.
The excitement that builds in peoples hearts.
The joy of giving , the love that is shared.
Christmas is a time for celebration and I promise I will try.
Still I hope that it will be ok, that sometimes through this season i disappear.
Disappear to a place where i can allow the tears to fall.
Where I can allow the missing to show upon my face.
Because I cannot pretend all the time.
I just don’t have the strength.
I need to give my heart freedom.
Freedom to grieve my beautiful missing daughter.
September has begun and i am simply a mess.
It could be holiday blues.
It could be just plain exhaustion.
Or it could be that I’m just so very p*ssed off.
Yesterday was the first day of the new school year and it should of been the day that Livvy started Year 11.
Its crazy to think my baby would have been 16 next year, when the truth is she didn’t get to see double figures.
I don’t know how to feel right now.
Its a variety of emotions that seem to move with the wind.
I close my eyes and I try so hard to imagine Livvy as a teenager.
What would she be like?
Would she still be the little rock chick, dancing her heart out to Guns n roses.
Or would she have continued down the road she started with her love of skulls and all things gothic.
I imagine her sitting in her chair in Dr Martens, or maybe Converse.
I just don’t know.
It’s breaking me apart right now.
The not knowing what she would be like.
The not getting the chance to make those memories.
I was robbed of my baby girl.
She was robbed of her future
And its just not blooming fair.
The five stages of grief,
What a joke.
Stages are something you work through.
You finish one and then move on.
I’m not moving on.
I miss my daughter so much.
For me there is only one stage of grief
What do you do when life seems crazy and you feel like it’s all to much?
Do you have ways of calming yourself down, meditation, prayer or maybe wine?
I’m not really sure I have a method.
I seem to carry on and carry on until I have to sleep with complete exhaustion.
Only yesterday I realised I do something else when life gets stressful.
I pull away.
My phone stays silent,.
I ignore the notifications and I only communicate as and when.
It’s as if I can only cope with so much that I’m scared to open up in case it becomes more.
Yet in doing this I find myself alone, lonely.
It wasn’t always like this.
Something happened last year which left me hurting terribly.
It took away my naivety
It took away my trust
And why I have tried not to let it have a hold over me I realise it has.
My closing off and pretending I’m ok Is literally locking out those who wish to be there for me.
[Tweet “Punishing many for the few.”]
I apologise to those I have shied away from.
I see now all you were trying to do is be there for me.
I am truly grateful.
I can’t promise I won’t hold back or close off anymore.
[Tweet “But I can promise I will try.”]
Today is my birthday I am 38 years old.
I cannot believe how amazing my 37th year has been.
I have finally found me.
That sounds crazy doesn’t it.
How do you lose yourself?
I don’t think i actually ever lost myself because I don’t believe i had ever found myself before.
For so long I have tried to be who I perceived others wanted me to be.
Hiding my heart to keep others happy.
But its not honest and its certainly not a way to live.
I will be ok when I get my degree.
I will be better when I lose weight.
I will become nicer.
I will try to be kinder.
More open, more trusting
A better mom.
A better wife.
My list became endless and always out of reach.
I finally can see that.
I am kind hearted
I am a good friend.
I am beautiful.
I am so loved.
What a year!!!
I wish it hadn’t took 37 years to get to this place but hey ho I am here.
I am so excited to see what my 38th year will bring me.
I already have exciting things planned.
I mean I’m modelling for goodness sake.
Whatever happens I know it will be fun and filled with love, laughter and friendship.
What more can this birthday girl ask??