Hold on

different then

 

Every day brings changes and sometimes I want to run and hide from them.

I want to return to the time when life made sense and my heart wasn’t broken.

Yet I know I cannot, I am not now who I was then.

In fact I barely recognise the old me at times. It’s not the hair colour or the extra pounds it’s the scars on my heart that make me different.

Life changes you everyday and sometimes the changes are good and sometimes they aren’t but for everyone change is an opportunity to grow.

Becoming a mom was one of the greatest things I will ever achieve but I never expected how having children would change the way I view life.

Having a disabled child was something I would have never foreseen, but getting to be Livvy’s mom created something inside me I am so very proud of.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this…..

Sometimes life will throw you in a direction you didn’t have planned, send you down a pathway you didn’t want to go. It may be hard, it maybe heartbreaking but don’t give up.

Know deep in your heart that every journey comes with  its own unique scenery. Places too see  so breathtaking you would have missed if you had taken the journey you had planned.  Places that will bless you heart, soothe your soul.

You may meet people you would have never have met if circumstances hadn’t of changed.

Worlds apart colliding to produce incredible friendships.

I  know I have met some of the greatest people since I became a parent to a disabled child.  Parents with passion and determination. Parents  with compassion and loyalty. So many have really blessed my life and I am so proud I get to call some of this crazy bunch my friends.

I never imagined as a child I would be a Foster carer but here now I know how incredible my job is. How amazing it is that I get to love on children in need.

Yet  even beyond fostering I would have never foreseen in a million years I would be a university student, working towards a degree that will allow me to help children who have faced neglect and trauma.

AND….

Even here in this little piece of the virtual world,  I never would have considered that this place where I share my heart, my thoughts would bring me so many experiences and create so many connections.

 

No matter how life seems right now, trust in yourselves.

Trust that tomorrow is a new day.

Keep fighting and hold on tight.

We cannot go back to yesterday

and today may be hard

but tomorrow may just be amazing.

Sometimes you have to fight to be happy.

Someone once told me that “happiness is a choice”.

I’m not sure if I fully grasped at the time what they meant but over the last five years I have had to choose.

Choose to be happy. 

You see emotions are like waves, sometime’s they can be calm and peaceful.

Yet at moments they can be raging against the elements, wild and unforgiving.

waves

 

Grief especially is a whirlpool.

It tries it’s hardest to suck you down into the depths of despair.

So I have had to fight.

Fight to be happy.

And you know what thats ok.

I’ve learned a great lesson in life

That happiness isn’t a given.

You have to look for it

At times you really have to search for it.

You have to remind yourself that darkness is only the absence of light.

So you have to look for that light.

I call that light hope.

I find the light in my children’s laughter.

Listening to their plans and dreams for the future.

It’s there in memories that I hold dear to my heart.

Never forgetting the strength and courage of the one I have lost.

I find my light in the knowledge that life is for living.

That I have to make each moment count.

It’s there in the promise that one day I will hold my daughter again.

Sometimes life gets does get hard and I find myself fighting against the waves.

Frightened that I’m drowning.

But I still search for the light.

The promise of a new day.

The chance to make another memory.

I remind myself that although the whirlpool will never leave me.

I don’t have to let it consume me.

Keep swimming

Ride the waves

Tomorrow is always a chance for hope.

tomorrow

Choose happiness 

 

 

 

Rain rain go away

It’s amazing how addicted we get to the television.

My poor husband has spent the last few days on holiday complaining he misses the tv.

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To be honest it has been a lousy few days. The weather has been so atrocious nothing but rain.
Camping holidays and rain really don’t mix.

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But what has struck me is how well the girls have done without the laptops, DVDs etc.

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They have actually chatted to each other again. I’ve even heard laughter at times, yes really laughter from teenagers can happen now and again.

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I think we are packing up tomorrow and heading home to the land of televisions and laptops.

Normally I would complain but to be honest after three days trapped in the caravan with an autistic child who wants to play outside hasn’t been fun.

So maybe I will miss the laughter but I certainly won’t miss the cold wet mud everywhere.

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Tomorrow

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. NIV Matthew 6.34

I think this should become my new mantra.

A statement that I repeat to myself over and over until my heart and head finally learn to understand and accept it.

Why do I allow myself to worry so much?

To worry about everything and for everyone.

I need to concentrate on the now.

This moment

Right now

The present

My mind is always worrying days, weeks in advance.

Tripping over negative thoughts.

Falling over my anxiety

I’m forgetting about this moment, about living this time.

Living for the moment, have I ever allowed myself the gift of this.

Have I ever been allowed this?

Always the organiser, always the planner.

Always the grown up, always the responsible one.

I want to view the world with a child like innocence.

To go with the flow

To leave tomorrow to itself

To leave next week, next month to its own devices.

To trust

To stand in faith.