Mother’s Day love

Mother’s Day, a day where we come together to celebrate all things that are Mom in whatever form that comes, stepmoms, adopted moms, grandparents being mom and so many more.

Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world. The exhaustion of pregnancy, the labour of delivery, feeding, sleepless nights and so much more but yet it’s often the most rewarding role we will ever get to hold.

It’s tough and this last year has been a real struggle , ‘wow’ is pretty much all I can say about the last 12 months. From home schooling to the deep pit of fear that has been in your stomach since the words Covid 19 were first spoken, it’s been a year.

Still if I wish to challenge all moms a little now in fact probably all parents regardless of gender. What do you think is the one thing that is the hardest to cope with when being a parent?

Exhaustion, worry, finances,

Shall I share what I have placed on my heart this week. What God has wanted me to share with you all.

The hardest thing about being a parent

Expectations

These pesky little things that penetrate our minds and hearts.

I should be

I could be

If only

All turn into

I failed

I’m useless

I’m letting them down.

Now I’m coming to you as a mom of a five so a little experience here and also as professional of therapeutic childcare and I just want to state something here and I really want you to hear me.

You are enough

You are enough.

Our children enter this world with only a few needs, to be fed, to be warm and to be loved. Speaking confidently right now I am sure that each of your children are having those needs met. They are either grown and off living lives that you have encouraged and nurtured. They also could be there in your arms snuggling tight or even kicking out in your precious womb. They could be causing complete mayhem running around the house but all done in the knowledge that ‘they are loved’.

You are enough.

Yet we only have to look back the last 12 months and the changes this virus has brought into our lives. Homeschooling, isolation, exhaustion, fear. How many of use have felt lost, that they are failing?

My hands are right up in the air, me me.

I have watched social media posts of moms with beautiful converted classrooms with their children willingly working away. Houses spotless, make up perfect and I’ve literally cried. I have cried as Daniels homeschooling paperwork fell off the printer for the 15th time, cried as he completely ignored me as I tried to encourage him to work, sobbed at the state of my house and as for being perfectly made up, well I’ve had a shower and I’m saying Amen to that.

You see I couldn’t reach the expectations I had put upon myself and that’s ok. Because Covid 19 or not, being a mom is hard.

We mess up, we lose our temper and we suck at patience some days. Because motherhood didn’t come with super hero powers just the responsibility.

Anyway where am I going with this, well I’m leading to something I have personally took a long time to learn.

You don’t have to do this life alone.

As friends and family we are there to walk alongside one another. Reach out to friends, not only those at your stage at life. We have a wide breathe of generational wisdom to tap into.

But most importantly

Reach up, reach out to Jesus and ask him to walk alongside you. Ask for wisdom, hope and a big one for me, for patience.

Ask him to free you from the lies of the enemy that you are not enough. Free you from the untruth binding of expectations. To be beside you as you raise the next generation and to guide you as you walk this pathway of parenthood.

I ask you to look now at your child or if they are not with you bring them into your mind. As your heart swells of the love you feel for them as the love you have warms you to your very core, I want you remember.

I want you to remember

“We love because he first loved us.”
1 John 4:19

He loved us first,

He loved us first.

Remember that Jesus loves us as we love our children, that warmth you feel for your children he feels for you. He loves you to your very core.

and I want you to say this loud

“we are enough. “

I am enough.

Another’s eyes

I often wonder what my life looks like through another’s eyes. How do they view me? Do they see the internal struggle I face daily just to be or do they see someone in control?

You see I think I’m like a swan creating the illusion of gracefully swimming through life when in reality my feet are furiously trying to get me in the right direction.

Right now I feel like no matter how hard I paddle the current will always overthrow me. Dragging me the way I dont wish to go. Yet again everyone just sees the graceful not the exhausted.

I think I need to be stop smiling when people tell me ” I have it all together” or correct them when they say ” I don’t know how you manage to do it all”. Speak with the truth ” I dont and cannot”.

No one has or will ever have it all together. Life isn’t meant to be perfect and we are not meant to try and pretend we hold perfection in our hands.

Perfection breeds exclusion, I’m sure, no I know others dont approach me because they believe I cannot understand their struggle. That my decisions meant I’m ok with the constant life battles and that I don’t feel the weariness as they do. The fact is this illusion only adds loneliness to my weariness.

I’m tired of thinking all the time, I’m tired of medical routines and I’m tired of appointments and meetings and fear and worry.

I’m not tired of being Daniel’s mom, but I am lonely living in a world that cannot really be understood unless you live within it.

Daniel depends on me for everything and I’m perfectly ok with that I just get exhausted with the constant battles we face to get him what he needs. I’m frustrated with egos getting in the way of forward movement. I’m angry that budget cuts separates my child from moments and experiences that others can have.

But I will always keep swimming because Daniel is my reason for it all. He and his sisters are my heart but I am learning to stop pretending it’s all ok. Learning to stop saying yes when I really want to say no. Learning to stop trying to be the all as no one person can be.

So if you look through my eyes right now you will see a mom whose heart is full, whose mind is overwhelmed and whose body is in desperate need of a coffee.

How dare it

I tidied my bedroom today, a job I’ve been putting off for months maybe years. My bookcase was overflowing and my make up case was going wild.

I didn’t want to touch the bookcase as I knew it was full of memories and moments I couldn’t repeat. Full of bits and piece’s of my missing little girl.

As I started tidying up I felt extreme anger at the dust, I mean how dare it fall on her things. I know the fault is mine for not keeping on top of it, but common sense often doesn’t play a part in grief.

I remember films I’ve seen of rooms left untouched forgotten by the years, the only visitors being dust and decay.

How blooming dare it.

I wonder if my mind will ever become like the bookcase slowly building up with dust so I cannot see her, hold her memories.

How dare time go by, the days into the years, the years now into a decade.

Is time the dust of the moments?

I’ve cleaned and I’ve dusted and I’ve cried. The tears opening the rawness of the pain, the emptiness of the missing. If love could hold Livvy close she would be wrapped up now in my arms.

As I wipe I am reminded of the numerous times I cleaned those beautiful cheeks. I remember clearly brushing that wayward hair.

I remember,

I remember and I hold on tight to the sound of her laughter in my ears. The touch of her fingers in my mine.

I remember

The dust it may fall and the pages may curl but my heart holds her tight.

Time is not my enemy just the journey
towards my beautiful girl x

Losing myself in space and time

I can’t explain how I am feeling today.

It’s rather strange I actually feel In two halves.

One half is so happy and so excited for the future. The other is sad and consumed with missing and the past.

Is this normal?

Are any of us ever in one space and time?

time and space

I read a lot about being present and focussing on the here and now, but is that truly possible.

Can we really hold our mind in the present?

Our souls have grown through our memories and experiences. The life lessons we have learned are still actively teaching us.

Emotions, feelings, patterns, experiences aren’t they what control who we are and what we do?

What about those we have lost? If we stayed in the here and now wouldn’t that mean leaving them in the time behind us.

Do we all walk through life with one foot in the future and the other in the past?

Is there actually a present, I mean the next second makes that moment past.

I did warn you that I was feeling a little strange.

I mean for the presence to really exsist, it must mean that for a moment time is just constant, but we know that isn’t the case. Beyond the normal measurements of time that we recognise, seconds, minutes there is something more that is always in movement.

Always moving forward, never still.

Sometimes I wish I could just switch off my mind, I actually surprise myself at times where my thoughts and wonderings go. When I lose myself in my thoughts of the past and recreate memories in my mind I am still moving forward into the future.

So is my mind in the past or in the future?

Any ideas?

past-present-future

Magic in the moments 

Wow I cannot believe it’s Christmas Eve already. I’m quite sure someone came to me in my sleep and stole away the last few months. It truly only feels like it’s September and that the kids have just gone back to school. 

It’s a stark reminder how quick life can pass you by. How easy it is to get caught up in the stresses and chaos of life that you actually forget to live.

Over the last few weeks a couple of my friends have faced the ultimate pain of losing those they love. Watching them walk this painful pathway has made me think a lot about the way I’m allowing life stress me out. How I’m forgetting that each day is a gift that needs to be lived.

Livvy taught me about the “magic of the moment” but I think that somehow without her to remind me I’ve lost this a little. 

My life is going to be busy in 2016, along with my family, my Universty course I have also become active in my local Labour branch. All these things are important to me and will require my time and energy. Yet I also have to remind myself to focus on the magic of the moment. 

So as I wish you all a Merry Christmas I also ask you to join with me and as we head towards the new year looking forward with a sense of anticipation. 

Be excited for all that’s to come but also remember to carefully find your magic in the moments. 

Laugh until your sides ache.

Cry until you hiccup

And love with all your heart.

Find the magic in the moments, create those memories and make each day count.

Merry Christmas to you all xxxx
  

In honour of Livvy

Saturday was an amazing day, we held a Livvy’s Smile Donkey Tea Party.

The sun shone for us, the donkeys behaved and memories were made.

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I had a truly wonderful time.

I got to catch up with old friends and make some new.

I got to listen to laughter as it filled the air.

I got to watch children cover themselves with chocolate and cream as they ate their cakes.

Donkey rides, cart rides and so much more.

Seriously it was awesome.

Yet as I sat at home editing the photos from the day my tears began to fall.

My heart just ached for the missing piece of my puzzle.

Whilst I was blessed with some amazing hugs from some truly incredible children my heart yearned for my little Tinkerbell.

Birmingham Donkey Sanctuary holds a special place in my heart.

Each corner is filled with the echo of my Olivia.

Those first steps she took defying the Drs.

The giggles as she rode her favourite donkey.

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The dirty looks she gave Amber when told to sit up straight.

So many moments, so many memories.

 

I was asked why we started Livvy’s Smile and why I hold events that bring me pain?

It is simple really we started Livvy’s Smile because we are so grateful.

So thankful for the wonderful memories we have stored from Livvy.

Memories that truly get us through the darkness and we just want to give that light to other families.

On Saturday we created those special memories full of chocolate eclairs and cool moms.

Memories that will give us hope through the hard times.

Why do I it when it causes me pain? 

Because I can and because I have to.

I was blessed to be Livvy’s mom, to get to call this amazing girlie my daughter.

Livvy changed my life. 

The realisation that we didn’t have forever taught me to live in the here and now.

To live a life full of laughter and love.

 

So yes hosting these events will always be bittersweet.

I’m sure I will always return home and cry for the missing piece of my heart.

But I will never stop working hard to create memories because each moment, each memory is in honour of my beautiful daughter.

Every smile I see brings her closer.

 

Yes, I know my heart will always ache,

Grief is relentless.

Like a snake it slowly twists around your heart until you cannot breathe.

Your body craves for one more breathe, one more moment.

So as the tears fall I know they do so in honour.

Each teardrop is formed in everlasting love.

Livvy is part of who I am and who I always will be.

Livvy’s Smile is testimony to eternal love. 

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#Nationalbestfriendday

Well, yes I’m a day late but hey ho yesterday was National best friend day, and I just want to say a massive thank you to those crazy people I get to call my friends.

Friendship is something I haven’t always found easy, I didn’t really have the best school years. Yet over the last 20 years my life has been blessed by some amazing people.

Friendship has formed on school playgrounds, hospital wards,camping fields, via the plus size community and here on the internet.

I have friends I get to see often and friends I have yet to physically hug but each and everyone has blessed my life.

Friendships are beautiful things and I know I wouldn’t have survived the last 6 years especially without some incredible people who have held me tight and lifted me up.

My Grandad once told me that  “Strangers are friends you have to meet” and this philosophy has stood me well over time and I hope it continues to do so.

So here’s to the strangers I now get to call friends and those I have yet to meet.

I love you all xxx

best friend

Lets play on National Children’s Day

Play, that thing we assume all children do.

But do we realise how important it is to our children’s development?

  • Play increases self-esteem and self respect.
  • Improves physical and mental health.
  • Extends their social skills, teaches turn taking and patience.
  • Encourages imagination and creativity
  • Offers opportunities and for children of abilities and cultures to play together.

 

Today is National Children’s Day

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Let’s celebrate our children and make today one of play.

 

Thank you doesn’t seem enough.

I’m not sure how I am feeling right now, yesterday was a whirlwind of emotions. I laughed, I cried and I laughed some more.

There isn’t really a guideline on how to feel I guess, no instruction book on how to celebrate birthdays of those that never reached them.

I know some think i’m strange, that to celebrate the birthday of a child that has passed is wrong or odd. That’s ok, everyone is completely entitled to their own opinion and the fact is grief is so unique. Nobody feels the same, everyone has their own journey through it or as I believe ‘with it’.

I’m struggling to find words to describe yesterday it was one of the hardest days of my life but also one of the most blessed.

From the moment the clock struck the new day the messages started to flood in.

Birthday wishes for my beautiful girl.

Messages, pictures and names drawn in the sand my girl was remembered.

Friends all over the world wishing my girl a Happy 16th.

Yesterday was a blur of family, friendship and cake, it was a truly special  day.

It is only now as I sit back and reflect that I really realise how completely amazing it was.

I could not thank people enough for what they gave me yesterday. After many nights of wondering and worrying that my Livvy would be forgotten my heart was swollen by the love I felt and the amount of people who remembered her day.

The fund-raising event for the charity formed in her memory Livvy’s Smile was a great success I don’t yet have a final total raised but I know its in the hundreds which is so wonderful.

Besides the donations I also want to say thank you to those who ate cake with their friends and family in honour of this day. I know I harp on a lot about this but memories are the greatest gift we can give ourselves and I am so blessed that you all made new special ones yesterday in honour of my girl.

So yes I’m not sure how I am really feeling today but what I do know is that my heart is full. My girl was honoured in such a beautiful way and for that I will always be grateful.

Thank you doesn’t seem enough but THANK YOU.

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