Sleepless in the middle.

I am wondering about life too much, my mind stumbles over the what if’s, the maybe’s, the should be’s. I am feeling lost and I am not sure why.

This last year have been hard on so many, the losses, the isolation, the fear has placed a heavy toll on our society and yes I have missed so much and my worries for Daniel’s health, his anxiety, his fear of people leave me with a uneasy feeling I can not shift. Can I get him back to where he was physically, can I get him back into school, can I stop him having such awful panic attacks? Are all questions I cannot answer right now. Yet I have a quiet acceptance that a pandemic is trying times and holding on to what should be, seems lost in the thankfulness that we are still here when so many others aren’t. The fact that I can worry about Daniel is a gift that I am trying to be grateful for. How strange is that of a statement being grateful for a worry, maybe it’s the fact that I have one child in heaven that I desperately wish I could worry about once again gives me this perspective.

I am trying to be thankful more,I cannot stay in this negative fear based reality anymore, if I do I don’t think mentally I would survive. For months I have been obsessed with numbers, with testing, with symptoms with fear. Frightened that allowing anyone into our lives would be a risk that I couldn’t take. Honestly I have been awful, hating my husband for his RC racing, for talking to someone outside a store, the fear of everything being so overwhelming that my stomach has not settled for months.

So I am trying to fight the negativity in my mind, giving thanks for the vaccine, for the lateral tests, for the research, for the scientists and especially for the wonderful NHS those that haven’t given up when many would have done.

I’m trying to find a balance between safety, protection and living. Daniel and I cannot hide between the walls of our home anymore, I cannot hide anymore.

So as I write this I am in the one of the places I swear my soul knows, North Yorkshire, we visited here for the first time last year and I never wanted to leave. The people, the places, the air all somehow allows my soul to breathe deep. I know my worries and fears haven’t disappeared but in the openness of this country my heart just finds peace.

Its not perfect, I mean today we tried to park our wheelchair adapted van in Whitby and it so didn’t happen, besides people deciding they fancied dicing with death crossing roads, today we just could not find anywhere to park our big van that allowed us to get Daniel’s chair out. So after a rather stressful (husband) drive around the town we gave up and decided to take Daniel to Staithes the little seaside village where Old Jacks boat was filmed. The information we read told us of the lovely harbour, the beautiful quaint cobblestone streets it forgot to mention the heart attack hill to the harbour. Holding on to Daniels chair for dear life as we went down the hill, returning up was well actually fine as I sent poor hubby up to drive the van down. It just wasn’t safe for us to push Daniels chair up the hill the gradient was so high it would be an extreme risk and thats my excuse and I am sticking with it. Also Old Jack’s boat wasn’t to be found. So as I was saying far from perfect but somehow it just felt different.

Full disclosure I am not a great traveller, especially now with Daniel. Anyone who is a parent of a child with complex needs will tell you packing for your child feels like planning an army mission. You cannot just wing it because the things you need cannot just be picked up at the local shop whilst you there. Medications, pads, feeding supplies, formula, syringes the list is endless. This is all after I have done my recognisance on the area, where is the local hospital, will it cater for my child, is there a specialist, PICU etc etc ? The worry of making sure I can keep Daniel safe does weight heavy but again full disclosure he is so worth it all. But yes it does impact on my desire to travel. My girls used to joke I had to say “I wasn’t going” at least three or four times before we finally got into the van. I personally blame them I mean essentials for a weekend away does not mean you need 8 pairs of shoes, also underwear is a must.

Anyway back to my title of this post, its 2am and I cannot sleep yes the heat isn’t helping, yes the desire to suffocate Alan for his snoring is strong but mostly my soul is restless. It’s a weird feeling like I am supposed to be doing something but I just don’t know what. I feel a tugging at my mind telling me something but what it is saying is just out of my hearing.

Does any of this make sense?

I am not sure but for some reason I think change is coming. I don’t feel anxious about this change which is a miracle in itself, but I do feel itchy as if I am ready to get started. Maybe it’s Yorkshire I mean they make the best tea here so I definitely could believe its a county of change, vision and hope.

I am just going to try and get some sleep and see what tomorrow brings. Whatever the sunrise brings with it I will try and be thankful and stay hopeful.

Sleepless in Yorkshire in the middle of what is yet to be.

They say never meet your heroes.

It is said that you should never meet your heroes, but Daniel and I have to completely disagree.

Over this lockdown period we have struggled to engage Daniel and keep him occupied. He has never really been interested in television and especially not bothered with programmes aimed at his age group. So imagine our surprise when a chance watching of The Yorkshire Vet led to a new love for him. Daniel loves to listen to the animals and although I have yet to hear a consistent spoken “mom” my cheeky boy now is mooing along with the cows.

Daniel’s joy when the credits start rolling and when he recognises the music is so evident in his face, he sits and listens to the adventures that the vets go on and actually gets cross if anyone talks over the programme. He just loves it, I wonder if its the sounds of the animals or the fact that the programme is narrated and that the vets talk us through when they are doing. To be honest I believe its just a perfect combination for him.

So the Yorkshire Vet has been a blessing to us over this isolation period, we have watched, learned about animals and generally loved watching Daniel get so excited over something. It was this joy that made us decide that after lockdown we would take Daniel on an holiday to visit the places that are in the show, to walk the streets of his favourite vets, a Yorkshire Vet adventure.

Still even in my wildest dreams I could not have imagined how much of an adventure Daniel was to have.

Thanks to the wonderful world of social media the wife of Daniel’s favourite Yorkshire Vet Peter (sorry Julian) reached out, she had seen one of my videos of Daniel chatting to (his) Peter and wondered if we would like to meet him when we came to Yorkshire, would we ever, how exciting.

So last week we headed to Yorkshire in what to be honest we would believed would be a quick meet and greet with Daniels favourite.

Oh my goodness I’m not sure I can find the words to do our visit justice. Peter and Lin came and visited with us at the cottage we were staying in. They were lovely, from the programme Peter comes across as a caring kind gentleman and thats exactly who you meet. No airs or graces just compassion, genuie interest and just so lovely. Peter and Lin won our hearts in seconds, so often people do not know how to treat Daniel, we often face people who just dont acknowledge him or speak to him as if he is stupid. None of this happened, Daniel was reserved at first but after listening to Peter’s voice for five minutes he was completely engaged. Peter and Daniel were just chatting on the floor about Daniel’s desire to put his hand up a cows bum and Peter’s love of testicles (if you watch the programme you will understand this). Daniel adored both Peter and was a little smitten with his beautiful wife Lin. Their visit went beyond anything Alan and I could have imagined. It was so special that when they left we both actually cried with joy, the memories made for Daniel were priceless, yet they wasn’t to end there.

The very next day we met both Peter and Lin at the James Herriot museum, the place where Peter’s career as a vet began and the home and work place of the man whose books Daniel loves James Alfred Wight better known as James Herriot. Daniel was excited to visit the centre, to be honest not because of the history but because I had told them of the interactive cow that he could put his arm up and help birth a cow, the dreams of my child. We wandered around the museum listening to the stories of Lin and Peter of their times there, although the house has been restored to the days of Herriot it was lovely to hear the stories of Peter and Lin and the memories they had of the place. Daniel was super excited (in his own way) to reach the interactive cow and with a little help his arm was up that bum. Unfortuanly we soon realised that vets need longer arms and poor Daniel wasn’t able to reach the calf, but isnt that a perfect reason to visit again. We milked a cow, answered questions with Lin on the characters of the Yorkshire vet and literally just soaked in so many memories. Daniel had some photos with Peter and even sat on his lap, I say ‘even’ as over lockdown Daniels separation anxiety has become awful and he will barely leave my arms but it seems sitting with Peter was ok.

Just writing these memories down fills me with so much joy that the tears are flowing into my keyboard. I have no words to explain how much this meant to us all, Daniel was so happy to hear his Peter and for Alan and I we have magical memories to cherish.

Peter and Lin Wright are such a beautiful couple and we are left just feeling so honoured and blessed to have met them. As we sat there this Tuesday watching the Yorkshire Vet it just feels so special and different to have walked in the places we see, to have met the people we watch. Peter and Lin if you read this I cannot thank you enough for making my boys dream a reality and as for those who say never meet your heroes we completely disagree our hero was incredible.