Being thankful

Over on Facebook I have been seeing a lot of posts on thankfulness.

Mainly ones from my USA friends as they give thanks for things and people before their holiday of thanksgiving.

It has really set me thinking about giving thanks and especially this week as I face the anniversary of Olivia’s death.

I want to give thanks for those that were there when I really needed them..

Who were the light in my darkness.

Thank you …,

To my husband Alan for just holding me in your arms until I cried myself to sleep. To dealing with my pain on top of your own, for loving me unconditionally, through the anger and the sorrow. For still being there and for giving me the freedom to still now fall apart at times.

To my girls for being the reason I had to get up each day. For remembering your sister with laughter and for being so damn brave. You are my constant inspiration and your sister would be so proud of you all.

To my dad for the endless phone calls where you just listened. When I raged against the world and questioned why. Thank you for not trying to explain it but just being there. Even though your heart was broken too you put me first constantly.

My mom, siblings, step mum,in laws etc all of you walked this pathway with us. There was no answers to be given but there was so much love and I am truly grateful.

My friends,for just being there. Ange you just sat by my side when i couldn’t speak. Just holding my hand. For talking books and endless crap just to keep me sane thank you.

My Facebook friends, Rett mums and special needs mums thank you for just reaching out over the computer to just remind me that I wasn’t on my own. Flowers you sent to brighten my day, messages, emails all gave me strength.

Kelly you keep Livvy’s alive in ways I will always be grateful for. Not hiding her away but honouring her memory. I cannot tell you how much this has meant to me. Seriously there isn’t words. To your dear family too for just reaching out and loving on me.

For Compassionate friends the forum which was always open. Moms, dads who really understood the journey I was walking. For not promising it will be ok but reassuring me I would find my new normal. For still celebrating our children now . Never lost just missing. You have become some of my dearest friends. I so need to do a gathering soon.

To those who have supported Livvy’s Smile and all my Rett Syndrome awareness work your support gives me such strength and I give thanks.

To my blog readers for your emails, your comments encouraging me to keep writing to keep sharing my heart.

Thank you.

I have so much to be grateful for and whilst here in the UK we don’t celebrate thanksgiving I want to. I want to say thank you to those mentioned here and so many more for being by my side as I have walked through the pain of the last six years.

For your encouragement, your support and your friendship and love.

Losing Livvy changed me in ways I never could of imagined. I have learned the true value of life.

It’s not about money or fancy things it’s about love and friendship. The relationships we have with others.

I didn’t know what the new pathway would hold but I knew who would be there to walk alongside me.

For this I am truly thankful.

Learning to love myself.

Lets be honest there aren’t many women who look in the mirror and likes what they see.

We all want to change a little about ourselves.

Me I have a love hate relationship with my body.

I love to hate it.

Thanks to medication and not being able to properly exercise due to this wonderful (sarcasm) illness I am
a lot larger than what I wish to be.

For the last 8 years I have pretty much hated the mirror and avoided at all costs. Convinced that nothing looks good or would look good.

The last few months I have finally started to get over myself.

Thanks to fashion plus size bloggers and the growing range of plus size clothing I am realising that I can look good.

Reading the beauty blogs and learning more about make up and being more adventurous

I am trying to move forward from the jeans and black Tshirt that has pretty much been my daily uniform.

In fact the other day I went shopping and actually tried on clothes that I would have normally shied away from.

And guess what I brought pink shoes. Yes that’s right pink shoes.

I know this sounds crazy but this is big for me.

The journey to loving my body starts here.


Body betrayal?

Sometimes I believe my body betrays me.

I have so much to do but it just gives up or gives out.

Yet is it really betraying me or just trying to save me?

How many times have I pushed myself too far and ended up making a mistake.

Exhaustion is not the place to find a focused mind.

So is my body just making the decision my mind won’t make?

I know I’m not alone in my inability to slow down.

I hear and read so many accounts of people being struck down by illnesses, coughs, colds, virus’ all at their most stressful and demanding times.

Many will confess that they were run down beforehand making them susceptible to the bacteria flying around.

Exhausting themselves to the point of illness.

So why do we do this to ourselves?

For me I know it’s my inability to switch off.

Thanks to the invention of mobile phones, the Internet the world is at my fingertips. Unfortunately thanks to these same things I can access work at every hour of the day.

Writing blog posts into the early hours of the morning, updating site content, balancing the bank at so on.

Access all areas, access all hours.

I’ve tried many things, giving myself set hours. Switching the Internet off, leaving my mobile phone downstairs and sometimes this works. But not being able to write is sometimes more frustrating that getting it over with, at least after its written i can finally fall into an exhausted slumber.

See what I mean when I say I don’t help myself?

It’s not that I’m always falling behind with work, you can guarantee that the day I am all completed it will be the night my foster son will refuse to sleep at all.

It’s Sod’s law as they say.

So in hindsight I don’t actually believe my body is against me, it’s just trying to protect me from myself and this crazy thing I call my life.

Not Acceptable

Over the last two days I’ve been attending a training course. While on this course we were chatting about what we class as acceptable behavior and I was very surprised by what people feel is acceptable.

Ignoring people

Verbal abusing people

Walking away without answering

All of the above was classed as acceptable.

Maybe I’m old fashioned but they are so not acceptable.


Now in the case of what my training was about children in care some of the above and much more are understandable.

But there is a big difference between understandable and acceptable.

Yet the truth is outside this training and here in the real world what is seen as acceptable is changing dramatically.

Take for example manners how many times have you stood in a queue saw a cashier serve someone and never hear the word thank you cross the customers lips.

In a restaurant when a waiter brings foods I have seen diners never even raise their heads let alone whisper a word of thanks.

How many emails have you received without the proper signing off. A regards or best wishes goes a long way.

Go into a school and listen to the way pupils verbally abuse teachers.

How or why did we get here?

Because we allowed it to become acceptable.

I know personally I’m going to try my hardest to use my manners at all times.

To make people’s day with a respectful thank you or I really appreciate your hard work.

I think it’s about time we started a revolution of manners.

Join me Vive la Revolution







Empty Corridors

I walked through the entrance and already the pain was overfilling in my heart, seeping out through my veins straight to my mind. My heart was racing so quick the ache burning deep into my soul.

Flashes of images in my mind of what should have been. Anger at what wasn’t to be.

The dear lady showed us round, it’s a wonderful place. You can feel the children’s joy, you can see their happiness in the colourful artwork that adorns the walls.

Yet all I can hear is the distance echo of footfall that will never be heard in these corridors.


I’m doing ok, the false smile plastered across my face, the school is wonderful so much to offer, so much to give.

Then my heart stops mid beat, there on the lockers before me are photos of her two best friends. They were once a trio now only the duo is heard.

“each child has their own locker” I’m told. “not mine” I scream silently.

Our visit comes to an end, did she feel my pain as she shook my hand?

I stumble to the car before the tears are allowed to fall. “drive please” I beg my husband.

My heart opens and gut wrenching sobs escape. I cannot breathe for the heartache.

“she never went there”. Alan states, “we have no memories here”. It’s true, his words are the truth. Yet that’s why the anger consumes me. Why the knives are stabbing deep into my soul.

So many places she didn’t get to go, so many things she didn’t get to do.

The “why ” forms on my tongue but not spoken. “why not” I guess is my answer.

Why not my child!


I hold on tight to the grace of our Lord, I know he hears my anger ,catches my tears.

I give thanks for the life she got to live. The places she got to go. The memories I have to cherish.

My heart aches so desperately but I remind myself that this life is just a blink of an eye in the truth of eternity.

Yes it was a wonderful place I visited today, but it cannot compare to the beauty of heaven. I allow this knowledge to become the healing balm for my soul.

I give thanks.