Its nearly over woo hoo.

So am I the only one breathing a sign of relief now that Christmas is nearly over.

 

I find it all so stressful, the wrapping of the presents the writing of the cards, the remembering of everyone names and the names of their children. It all sends me to the verge of insanity and lets not even mention the Christmas dinner.

 

At times i  have actually felt physically sick with all the stress and as you can imagine stress effects my illness and my body seems to just surrender to any virus’s going around. So far i’ve had the sickness bug twice and the flu, migraines you name it I will list it.

 

Of course the joy on my kids faces on Christmas morning was worth it. Even the teenagers were happy for a couple of hours.

 

But I am tired to my bones.

 

Its been a strange one but a good one, as i mentioned the teens have been bearable, the husband helpful and the two little ones well hyper doesn’t seem to come close to describing them. I admit to wishing they had an off switch over the last few days. Why does excitement have to be so loud and Autistic melt downs well they certainly wasn’t on my Christmas list.

 

 

So now I could do with just some down time, I’m slightly fed up of Christmas trees and flashing lights, toys going off randomly, gifts left in the living room as the bedrooms are full to bursting. Bins overflowing and half eaten selection packs.

 

Kids requiring food at least three times at day. ( I miss school dinners).

 

Television full of Christmas specials of soaps that i never watch throughout the rest of the year. Films that have been watched numerous times before.

 

Relatives visiting. (of course they were very welcome).

But ……

I  just need my order, my routine and just some peace and quiet.

 

So yes Christmas was lovely but yes I am ready for it to be over.

 

Am I alone in feeling this way?

Losing my way

I haven’t blogged for the last few days. I wish I had a valid reason but I don’t, I just needed time out for a while.

Sometimes I get lost in a abyss of stress and frustration trying to answer the questions of “who I am ?”and “what do I want out of life?”

I don’t know why these things happen, some say depression, some say hormones I just simply say “life sucks”

But you know what that’s okay because at times life does suck an its okay you just take a step back and reassess, re-evaluate , what is it you want and what is it you need.

It’s simply a process that we all go through.

Please tell me it is, I’m sure I’m not the only one to feel this way at times.

fulfillment, fulfilment
a feeling of satisfaction at having achieved your desires
More General:
– satisfaction

Fulfilment, satisfaction, happiness are all completely oxymorons to me at this time.

I’m searching but to be honest I haven’t a clue what for.

How silly does that sound?

So please bare with me for a while. I’m hoping that I will do what my mom always tells me to do and “snap out of it”. But mostly I hope I do simply find my direction again.

My way

A peaceful few days

It’s so peaceful here in South Wales it’s such a uncommercialized area, just beauty in the natural as God created it.

I confess I really don’t wish to go home. I’m at peace in such a way I havent felt for what seems such a long time.

Years ago when we first got married Alan and I had considered packing up and moving away to somewhere like this, but I think the fear of the unknown stopped us and of course the need to be where the jobs was.

Do I regret our decision to be honest I don’t know, with Livvys health issues it was nice knowing that an ambulance could be at our door in less than 10 minutes and that a fantastic children’s hospital was a 30 minute journey away.

Would I move here now?

I don’t think so I’m not sure my girls will be happy to give up the life they have known, the schools, the friends the boyfriends and I’m not sure I could live Livvy’s grave even though I know she isn’t there.

I have really enjoyed my week at the beach and I know my youngest would move in a shot, we have discovered she is a real surfer chick but life here full time would be different.

Maybe if we win the lottery a move may happen or at least a holiday cottage.

Never have I felt so relaxed but i do wonder if I would have been so calm if the teens were with me. Besides a few autistic melt downs it’s been so peaceful and having no one tell me that I am ruining their lives has done me good for a few days.

Oh well all good things come to an end. Homeward bound tomorrow then the evening will bring the return of the monsters we call teenage daughters.

I may have missed them a little but I sure after they have been home an hour I will feel different.

The joys of parenting.

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I thought it was supposed to be easy

 

I  was convinced into buying our tourer caravan by the phrases, “its so easy” “so much better than the tent” “home from home”.

 

Well somehow we have gone wrong.

 

Every holiday starts with me feeling so stressed I just don’t want to go. I’m ready to just stay in the comfort of my own home and give up  on holidays all together.

 

The idea behind having the same setting for our autistic foster son is fantastic but this doesn’t help when as soon as he sees you getting prepared he has a complete melt down from excitement. 

 

A husband that decides that the night before you leave is the perfect time to wash both the car and caravan is not helpful at all. To be honest I wouldn’t have minded if he had checked the electrics, water etc beforehand, you know the really useful things. The concept of washing a car to drive over a field is a one completely lost on me.

 

So as you can imagine as I had spend hours last night ironing and preparing meals I was a little peeved to say the least this morning to find him searching for towing mirrors and checking electrics.

 

MEN

 

Caravanning is supposed to be easy so what are we doing so wrong?

 

Why am I so frustrated I could scream?

 

Is it simply just the fact that my husband deserved to be strangled or are there ways of getting prepared a lot easier?

 

Anyway we didn’t find the towing mirror and had to go buy another one but thankfully, the journey is over and we are at the campsite. 

 

The water pump is playing up, it took us an hour to find the kettle but we are here and as the sun sets over an amazing view, I am slowly relaxing and hopefully will enjoy a stress free few days.

 

Ok who am i kidding, hopefully I will enjoy a less stressful few days.

 

Oh and before I forget, we dropped into the camp my two teenagers are staying at with their church group. The look on their faces when they thought we had followed them on holiday, was priceless. In fact we are only twenty minutes away but besides dropping off some forgotten items I am staying well away. While they may think it is a parents free week I am enjoying my teen free week more.

Now if I could just lose the husband.

 

My Sleeping Gifts

Do you remember the moment you first lay your newborn down to sleep?

 

Did you stand there and watch the gentle rising of her chest?

 

Just wallowing in the wonder of parenthood.

 

That beautiful precious child is yours.

 

A gift from God

 

I still wallow in this gift.

 

I stand and watch my girls sleep and revel in the innocence of the land of dreams.

 

No stress of exams or SATs of boys and friendships.

 

Just peace.

 

I love checking in on my girls and night and seeing them like this.

 


 

My babies, my world, my gifts.

 

 

** I did check with my girls before posting these photos.

It seems I’m archaic

Did I not realise that I am here to cater for their every need.

How awful that I require them to do those awful things called chores.

Do I not understand that none of their friends have to do the above.

Why don’t I understand that I should just hand out money for every new top they see or every trip to the cinema.

I mean the attitude that’s their right of passage, they have to go through it and I have to accept it.

True it’s ok for me to have an opinion but hey they don’t have to hear it.

Of course you can’t make plans they may need a lift somewhere at sometime.

Everyone has mobiles at the dinner table you are just being archaic.

Bedrooms are their personal space, if they want them to smell or grow penicillin in discarded cups, I have to allow them this.

On a serious note sometimes I have days I just want to scream, ” I give up”. What I would give for a house full of four under fives again. It was so much easier then, they wanted to play and laugh and tickle and I was the centre of their world.

Parenting is hard, parenting teenagers is very hard.

How is it possible to want to love someone and strangle them at the same time? Ask a parent of a teenager.

Christmas overwhelms me

I’m nervous about Christmas it’s a time of year with overwhelms me. The pressure to have the perfect decorations the perfect dinner and if course making sure that the gifts are perfect for all the ones I love.

The noise level goes up at Christmas. The annoying carols that play in every shop you visit. The constant stream of adverts telling you “this is the must have toy for your child”.

Everywhere you go you are faced with bright lights and trimmings that sparkle so bright straight into a headache for me.

Cards to be written, having to check your lists twice making sure that some distant relative isn’t going to be forgotten.

Presents to be wrapped and hidden. Receipts to be kept safe, endless roles of sellotape and batteries added to the shopping list.

Christmas time is exhausting!

Yet I love the sharing of presents, the warm feeling I get inside when I see the genuine smile on someone’s face when they open their gift. And Yes the worry of the last few months does disappear in the chaos of giggling children ripping open their presents.

The destruction of the living room is one of my favourite parts of the holiday. The floor covered in spend paper and opened cards.

The beautiful sounds of hymns being sung at the church carol service. The peace found in the telling of the Christmas story on Christmas eve. The warmth of the church as we all sit together and prayer as we remember the real reason of Christmas.

For only a day life seems to go on warp mode for the months before. Each year I make myself the promise of being prepared earlier yet all of a sudden December is knocking at my door.

My husband tells me I wouldn’t change it for the world but truthfully I would a little. I would like to be able to put less pressure on myself. To accept that no everyone will get the perfect gift but the fact that I have given in love should be enough. Accept that my Christmas dinner will never look like Delia Smiths but my family all enjoy it and if anyone is missed of my Christmas card list then maybe we need to stay in touch a little more.

Perfection isn’t going to happen in my home, but happiness and love will be a plenty.

I remember the true meaning of Christmas and that is completely overwhelming in a truly special way.

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If you would like to overwhelm someone with love and caring this Christmas consider making a gift in their name to the Compassion UK Christmas Appeal . Help Compassion release children from poverty.

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