Another’s eyes

I often wonder what my life looks like through another’s eyes. How do they view me? Do they see the internal struggle I face daily just to be or do they see someone in control?

You see I think I’m like a swan creating the illusion of gracefully swimming through life when in reality my feet are furiously trying to get me in the right direction.

Right now I feel like no matter how hard I paddle the current will always overthrow me. Dragging me the way I dont wish to go. Yet again everyone just sees the graceful not the exhausted.

I think I need to be stop smiling when people tell me ” I have it all together” or correct them when they say ” I don’t know how you manage to do it all”. Speak with the truth ” I dont and cannot”.

No one has or will ever have it all together. Life isn’t meant to be perfect and we are not meant to try and pretend we hold perfection in our hands.

Perfection breeds exclusion, I’m sure, no I know others dont approach me because they believe I cannot understand their struggle. That my decisions meant I’m ok with the constant life battles and that I don’t feel the weariness as they do. The fact is this illusion only adds loneliness to my weariness.

I’m tired of thinking all the time, I’m tired of medical routines and I’m tired of appointments and meetings and fear and worry.

I’m not tired of being Daniel’s mom, but I am lonely living in a world that cannot really be understood unless you live within it.

Daniel depends on me for everything and I’m perfectly ok with that I just get exhausted with the constant battles we face to get him what he needs. I’m frustrated with egos getting in the way of forward movement. I’m angry that budget cuts separates my child from moments and experiences that others can have.

But I will always keep swimming because Daniel is my reason for it all. He and his sisters are my heart but I am learning to stop pretending it’s all ok. Learning to stop saying yes when I really want to say no. Learning to stop trying to be the all as no one person can be.

So if you look through my eyes right now you will see a mom whose heart is full, whose mind is overwhelmed and whose body is in desperate need of a coffee.

Star Trek makes sense

I’m told its my eyes that tell my story.

A few days ago I had to have my photo took for identity purposes. You know the one where you can not smile or pull funny faces.

I struggled with looking at this photo not just because i hate having photos took of myself but because I couldn’t hide behind my smile. My facade to the world.

This photo rather shocked me as I looked haunted.

A little lost.

This led to an afternoon of self analysing not something I would really recommend. It can totally mess with your mind.

You see thinking never really does me any favours.

Well where was I?

Oh that’s right my haunted look.

It was as if my life had left a physical imprint on my soul and of course the eyes being the windows to the soul it was there for all to see.

I realised my identity has changed so much over the years. Not surface things like fashion, hairstyle etc but the roles I play in life.

I’m a wife, I’m a mother

But I’ve also been a mother of a disabled child.

I’ve been the grieving mom of the said disabled child.

I am now a foster carer to a disabled child , a foster mom.

Different roles at different times yet which one left the haunting.

It doesn’t really need a answer does it.

Losing a child is so strange it’s as if life moves forward but a part of you is left in the past.

Haunting the memories.

It’s as if you hold on to the then rather than live in the now without them.

I watched my first Star Trek movie the other night and they were talking about alternative realities and that made sense in a strange way.

A part of me is still in pre November 7th 2008.

It’s not about non acceptance it’s about holding them close and never letting go.

I believe all of us have a haunting.

A moment in time which we can never let go.

A time in your life which shaped who you are today.

I see my life as a jigsaw I was born complete but through life I have lost or left pieces behind in different places and at different times. I won’t be complete again until eternity.

But that’s ok.

I think this is what makes us human the ability to connect to form bonds.

The courage to give away pieces of ourselves.

So a jigsaw am I.

Or as my husband says missing a few pieces ha ha.


Changing my story

Sometimes I get tired of the fighting.

Fighting to just be.

Dealing with the pain that breeds inside of me.

The false smile has to slip sometimes.

You are so brave is easily switched to you are falling.

I didn’t ask for this life and at times Im just so angry that I cannot breathe.

Then I feel regret for the anger.

I know I am blessed but sometimes its easier to lament that to give glory.

To give praise when the pain is deep.

To trust when the nightmare lives on.

To seek when all you want to do is hide.

To look to the heavens when the ground is closer.

The story still gets written and jumping a few pages ahead will not change the plot line.

Forwarding the film does not change the ending.

Regardless of the journey the end will be the same.

I crave for a first class trip with a champagne breakfast

A five star room with chocolates on the sheets.

I want to leave behind the crowded waiting rooms and late arrivals.

I want my journey to be as I planned.

As I dreamed as a young girl.

The life I had promised myself.

Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.

Martin Luther King, Jr.


I walk in faith.

I’m changing my story.

Threads of Grace – Booksneeze

I dived into this book with trepidation as I’m not one to read romantic fiction, I often find them wishy washy and simply for me boring but as the blurb had me interested I decided to step outside my normal type.


Yet Threads of Grace was so different, straight away I was caught up in the story. My heart was beating along with Grace’s. The writing of Kelly Long took me on a journey.


I was surprised that this was a book about Amish people as really the culture wasn’t explored but I accept as this was one of a series and it may have been explored in earlier books in more detail.

The love story was not intense and in your face it was deep and so much more special. It was heroic and caring, my heart was warmed greatly.

Autism was mentioned in such a positive way that my heart was blessed. It was really lovely to read a positive rather than the usual negative. Grace didn’t just love her child she, Seth and others cherished him.

My only real complaint about this book was the fact I felt it had too many threads.

The sister, the widowed friend, the brother in law and his wife the miscarriage and of course the wicked then repentant uncle. It was hard to stay with the story at times.

Though to be honest if you are after a relaxing read to while away a pleasant afternoon this is a great book for that.

I may venture out of comfort zone more often now.


The Polar Express – Review

Over the Christmas period we have tried to wind down in the evening with a good dvd, and thanks to my Christmas box from Warner Brothers last night I finally sat and watched  “The Polar Express.”

To be honest it did receive a mixed reaction from my household, with the majority of us loving it but the hubby wasn’t that impressed and fell asleep half way through. Personally i don’t think this had anything to do with the movie and more to do with him being a lazy bum.


Anyway back to the film, not to spoil the story but it is based on a young boy who has started to lose faith in Santa Claus growing up has him deciding to only believe in what he can see.


Enter in a magical train and a trip to the North Pole.

I love the magic of Christmas and while I have never made to much emphasis on the legend of Santa I love the season for its cheer and good will and this film has them in abundance.


The effects on the film are outstanding, at times the animation was so real that sometimes i forgot it wasn’t real.


It is a fantastic story which would be perfect to settle down to with the kids on Christmas eve or any night to be honest.


My youngest loved it and to quote my eldest daughters teenage boyfriend “its a classic”



Booksneeze review – Liz Wiehl Eyes of Justice


After reading the previous books of Lis Wiehl and the Triple threat club i was really excited to review this one. I actual love Christian crime fiction where i get to combine my two passions into one.

Eyes of Justice certainly didn’t let me down, it had me hooked from the first few pages. I don’t want to share to much of the story as not to give it away but I have to say I was shocked at the beginning at the turn of events and to be honest I wasn’t sure how the books would go on but thankfully thanks to great writing it all worked out great, well kind of.

Lis Wiehl offers you a chance to enter into the world of the serial killer at the same time as being filled with faith and hope, strange i know but it works.

It’s a great crime story that I loved and it was nice to catch up with old characters and be introduced to new.

It’s a easy read and a great way to spend a couple of hours.

I’m already looking forward to the next book.


One at a time

I’ve been thinking a lot about mothers losing their children, surprise right. Yet the thing that has been laying on my heart is the unpreventable deaths.

I lost Livvy to the evil known as Rett Syndrome. She lost her battle and she had all medical treatment possible, all medications. Access to clean water, food etc.

Around the world mothers are losing children due to the lack of basics. Children are dying simply because they don’t have access to clean water, food or vaccinations against childhood illness.

The hope for our future is in our children. Let’s not allow the place they were born to be a reason for the death of a child.

How much we take for granted.

How much we could change.


The Starfish Story
Original Story by: Loren Eisley

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed
a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean.

Approaching the boy, he asked,
What are you doing?

The youth replied,
Throwing starfish back into the ocean.
The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they will die.

Son, the man said, don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish?
You can’t make a difference!

After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish,
and threw it back into the surf.

Then, smiling at the man, he said

I made a difference for that one.

Help make a difference for one, please consider sponsoring a child with Compassion UK.