Dear Kennedy, when your daughter goes to university.

Dear Kennedy 

I can’t believe that we dropped you off at university yesterday.

I wasn’t sure how I would feel. 

Its been a rocky road the last few months a lot of arguments and clashes. 

I guess its the normal teenage desires to be an adult fighting with the mothering instinct to keep you safe.

I have jokingly said I couldn’t wait for this moment but I was wrong. 

It was harder than I imagined.

Driving away from the university leaving you behind was awful.

It honestly felt as if i was losing control.

I guess I am.

From the moment I gave birth the instinct to protect you was paramount. 

Every decision I make is about keeping you safe.

Now I have to let you go and just pray that i have raised you well and that you will keep  yourself safe.

Arrrahhhh its hard.

Harder than I imagined.

Kennedy you are my first born, everything I have learned about being a mom has come from you first.

The sleepless nights, the endless feeding to the stroppy teenage tantrums and the “ I know betters”.

Enjoy this next stage in your life sweetheart.

Grab every opportunity and live life to the full.

At times you have drove me to distraction but I am so proud of you baby girl.

You have wanted to be a history teacher for so long and now you are on the first step towards your dream.

Work hard and have fun.

Know that although we are a distance away you are never far from my thoughts.

May this be your stepping stone to your dreams.

Love you to the moon, stars and back again.

Be safe 

Mom xxx

 

IMG_2227

A mom or a referee?

Sometimes I feel less like a mother and more like a referee.

Always negotiating, enforcing rules.

ID-100252343
Image courtesy of vectorolie / FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Everyone warned me that it could be like this but I never expected a war zone to be found in my living room.

I love my girls and while I accept that growing up and finding their freedom is part of life’s journey. I’m not happy that they have decided each day is an opportunity for a battle.

How can they go from being best friends to worst enemies?

Seriously it’s driving me mad.

I am proud I have raised such independent spirited young woman but hey please let them take on the world and leave their poor mama alone.

I am tired and emotionally shattered with this parenting stage.

Reminiscing and yearning for the days of night feeds and dirty nappies. I may have been exhausted back then but at least they didn’t answer back so much.

I know its a stage that all go through and one day my beautiful kind caring girls will return and the dragon headed all knowing beautiful monsters will disappear but its so not easy.

Image courtesy of AKARAKINGDOMS / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of AKARAKINGDOMS / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I recognise this year is going to one of big changes, university, college it certainly is  going to bring a new dynamic to the relationships of the girls.

A new dimension in their sisterhood.

I’m praying a little space will make hearts grow fonder.

Who knows?

I guess until then I will resign myself to the role of mediator for a little longer.

So does anyone have a whistle?

 

That old deception.

I honestly don’t understand the concept of grieving getting easier.

Or the old deception “Time is a great healer” it’s not. Time is just the measurement of hours, minutes and seconds I have lived life without my beautiful daughter.

Grieving doesn’t get easier we just get stronger or better at hiding the pain of our broken hearts.

Never for one minute think that my daughter isn’t there in my mind.

That my arms don’t ache to hold her.

That my heart will ever be healed.

I miss Livvy with every breathe that I take.

Yes the smiles are on my face and I am living my life but that’s because I know she would kick my butt if I didn’t.

I honour her legacy but that doesn’t mean I’m healed.

I miss my beautiful girl.

232323232fp533;8>nu=326->-39>98;>WSNRCG=3238;7<7;4785nu0mrj