I wish I had been there.

I read a post the other day describing the days of a premature baby in a neonatal unit and my heart broke. Not because Daniel was born at 26 weeks because my little fighter survived, but because I wasn’t by his side through it all.

How crazy is this that I’m torn inside by a grief, a guilt for a time I didn’t know. For a time when I didn’t know my boy. The idea of him facing what he did without me by his side breaks my heart.

The whole time before he came my son is one I cannot focus on. I cannot bare to think of the symphony of emotions he had to face alone.

I have read his medical file and my heart just tears, 26 operations before we met him. 26 anaesthetics, 26 procedures, 26 times I wasn’t by his side holding his hand.

I know it’s crazy and deep down I know it’s not my fault and I do just have to have trust in the journey but I honesty wish he hadn’t had to face one step without me.

I get frustrated when people tell me that he shouldn’t be as clingy as he is. I honestly ask them to walk his pathway and see if you didn’t want to hold on tight.

When the world has been full of procedures and strangers. Pain and suffering. When you cannot see who is picking you up tell me you wouldn’t hold on tight to the one you know, the ones whose arms to trust.

I’m so proud of this clingy I want my mom stage, because this means he knows I am always there. That in my arms he is safe.

I adore the way that when he is ill he only wants me it’s further testimony to our bond.

Mother and son.

I cannot change the past and that’s something I do have to let go. I’m just so thankful that he came to us and that his heart fitted perfectly inside mine.

The future isn’t mine to see and I will not make promises that I cannot guarantee but what I do know is that why my heart still beats I will be by his side, whenever he needs me that’s a promise.

Living to love

I wanted to write about this last week, explain what had happened with Daniel but for the first time in a long time I just cannot. I cannot find the words to describe the fear, the words needed to give light to the darkness.

Let’s just say I was scared, frightened to the point where I couldn’t breathe.

I’m so thankful for the outcome, thankful I got to bring my boy home but I think it’s going to take time to actually process this last week.

Everyone tells me how strong I am, how much I face yet they don’t seem to understand when I say I have no choice. You see loving someone doesn’t come with guarantees. No one promises you a life full of unicorns and balloons. You take a step in faith, in love.

When we adopted Daniel I knew I was opening myself up to fear. Embracing the unknown yet with the knowledge that he was extremely complex, that he was vulnerable.

Some people ask me why, yet why not? Just because I didn’t birth Daniel doesn’t make our bond any less strong. I do wonder if someone asks my friends who did birth they children “why they do it”. With Livvy everyone used to ask “how do you?” Not “why do you?”

He is my child, my son.

Love is a choice, loving my son is the best choice I’ve ever made.

So yes my heart is healing and fear is holding time but love, love is the greatest bond, the greatest emotion and the very best reason to be living.

Living to love.

Capture those moments

My friend today shared a photo of Livvy and I today on her Facebook, its so lovely to see but it does really hit home of one of the greatest mistakes I made in Livvy’s life.

Not being in photographs with her.

You see I think I have three or maybe four photos of Livvy and I. My fear of being photographed actually has robbed me of precious memories of my darling girl.

How often do you find yourself saying “ I will take the photo” “Oh not with me, I’ve not done my hair, makeup.” I have an endless list of escape sentences that I now regret so much.

You see my daughters didn’t care how I looked they just wanted memories that I was visible in. I wouldn’t have cared how I looked to have images of me holding my precious girl, moments I could close my eyes and recapture in my mind.

Yet I cannot go back no matter how often I wish I could, but I can make changes and slowly I have been, pushing myself in front of the camera instead of behind.

Adopting Daniel and the level of his complexity has hit home again the fact that we are not promised forever and so I have made sure we all have precious memories to hold on too. So this is why for Mother’s Day this year I treated myself to a Mother and child photoshoot and its been one of the most amazing things I have done and honestly  I will cherish the images forever.

Choosing a photographer you trust is paramount especially if you are like me and are petrified of having your photo took. I went with Baby tree photography .

Liza is so amazing, we came across her when she photographed a friends christening and she is so lovely, she captured Daniel’s dedication in September and the characters of the guests were just so visible in her images and Daniel well is just completely gorgeous anyway.

I attended her studio a little nervous but within minutes I was relaxed and actually excited. I did wonder how Daniel would react to the day as he gets sensory overload and often just switches off in new environment but he was a complete star and honestly I think the images speak for themselves. I cannot thank Liza enough I look at the photos and my heart just beats with joy. The moment she captured will be a moment I get to forever cherish “A Mama and her son.”.

Honestly if I can challenge you all to do something this year it would be to capture those moments, don’t be like me wishing you had.