I had a realisation last night that I had given up on hope.

Hope of peace, hope of friendship and so much more.

I finally understood what my husband had been saying when he tells me I have been holding people at arms length.

Scared to push forward.

I have held back from joining groups.

Stopped taking part.

Just digging deeper into myself.

I had let fear become greater than hope in my heart.

I can blame it on many reasons but i believe the main three to be

Fear of rejection and failure

Self confidence

Self punishment

I am so fearful I will get hurt again that I have closed of my heart.

Scared to live life openly and fully.

Self confidence, when you grow up never feeling good enough it’s a hard journey to get to a point when you can look in the mirror an say “believe”.

Self punishment – I have a lot of baggage here. From a wild youth of drinking, drugs to the blaming myself for losing Livvy. Second guessing decisions that wasn’t mine to make.

I had lost HOPE.

So today I am setting myself on a new path.

One where I start to believe again.

One where I start to trust again.

One where I start to hope again.