Maybe you should wait?

Maybe you should wait until you get over it?


Getting over it?

Right I have to touch on a subject that is really starting to drive me crazy. I recently posted about my excitement regarding my new job only to recieve comments or questions regarding “should I go to work if I’m grieving?

Is it too soon, are you ready?

Maybe you should wait until you get over it?

I just want to be honest and tell you how I feel how I feel regarding these comments and this field of questioning. Firstly full disclaimer I truly do believe you all mean well…

But and I mean a gigantic but….

If I was to wait until I stopped grieving Daniel I would never work again because grief doesn’t have a time limit unless you count eternity as a valid measurement. So whilst there will always be tears and pain regarding Daniel I cannot wait until I’m over something that I’m never going to be over. Olivia passed over 14 years ago and I miss her daily, far from over it. Grief is a lifetimes journey.

Also can I just state that my husband returned to work and the comments he’s received have been “it’ll do you good” “good on you” “fantastic it will be good to keep yourself busy” not one comment saying should he not be staying off work and grieving, or it’s too soon. All I find remarkable because believe me his grief is as strong as mine and his heart is as broken. Is this a gender bias, the man has to be the provider, well you know what I feel about gender bias and discrimination of any form.

I know myself well enough to know what works for me, what I need and there is only so long I can sit in a pit of misery and missing without it consuming me. I need a purpose,(Daniel was the best purpose ever). But having a reason to get up in the morning is something I need in my life. I live to serve, to fight for change, to make a difference, this is who I am. I cannot change the fact that Daniel has gone, you don’t know how much I would want to, if love could have saved him he would be still in my arms but it didn’t and all I can do now Is to try an honour my gorgeous boy by living with purpose.

Also I need to be blatantly honest here, with the cost of living so high and rising how can I afford not to work? Daniels death did not stop my bills. No one is going to pay for me to sit at home and grieve it just doesn’t happen in fact the opposite happens, the day Daniel died any kind of money or support we were getting died with him ( don’t get me started on this). So I have to go back to work.

I cannot do sitting around,it’s just not me whilst I will always be grieving my beautiful boy I also know that I need to be moving, to be achieving and thankfully I’m entering into a field that I’ve wanted to work in for a long time. A field where I hope I can make a different. A job I hope will bring me the purpose I need. Nothing will change how much I am going to miss my beautiful boy, the agony of missing him is mine for a lifetime. The only thing I can hope for is that I can make him and his sisters proud and for me returning to work is now a step towards this.

For my sanity’s sake I need a job.

Honestly I am at the end of my patience with myself, it seems I don’t know how to do down time. I don’t enjoy lazy hours and resting has a purpose to a certain extend. Everyone is telling me this is my time to relax, work on myself, grieve and any other chill out term there is out there.

I get it, Ireally do, I’ve faced a lot over the last few months, but I thrive on being busy. I get fulfilled by creation, by doing a good job, my being successful. The downtime has now turned into pure boredom.

I need a job desperately.

Financially of course I need to pay bills but more than that I need to start rebuilding my identity. It may not be what I had wanted, but I have no choice but to start creating the new me. I truly believe that there must be a purpose to my life and whilst I did believe it was Daniel and it was for a time, but now Sara has to redefine her life and work for me is a major part.

Interviews are scary though I will admit, I mean it’s been over 12 years since I was last interviewed so it is rather strange. I know I have the knowledge but the experience is really holding me back. I’ve achieved a lot in my lifetime but it’s hard at times for people to see this and often harder for me to evidence this.

Also my husband keeps making suggestions about me cleaning the house and cooking his tea for when he comes home from work. I seriously thought that old chestnut had moved on. Domestic goddess I am not.

All I know is that I’m hoping and praying that the interviews pay off and I get a job. I want to be occupied, I mean my days are endless right now. I want to have something to achieve again. I want to get tired by something rather than my own tears. I want to make Daniel and my girls proud. I want to be proud of myself.

Come on world give a girl a job please.

Crossing the line



I have to confess I have become an avid viewer of Celebrity Big Brother.

I just cannot help myself.

I just love watching the people I have either admired or loathed from the celebrity world and trying to work out if they are like their celebrity persona. Its an armchair psychoanalyst’s dream

This season as been completely addictive, it has simply for no better term been “car crash tv”. It’s been explosive from the get go and I am honestly glad there is no live feed as my kids may have starved.

I truly don’t know what to make of it.

Of course I had previous perceptions of the housemates but to be truthful I have been surprised by them all.

From the kicking out of the first two to the faked walk out I am loving it.

I know and understand how people get so worked up over the programme and I know my poor husband is tired of my Katie Hopkins rants.

Can I just state here that I honestly believe Katie Hopkins is playing the long game. This is a woman who until she started slagging off people was not really well known. Her notoriety is based on her vicious tongue. If she turned nice she wouldn’t have a career. Two days outside of the big brother house nice Katie Hopkins would be yesterday’s news. No this lady is going to come out and call us all fools for falling for her nice act and then start bad mouthing her housemates off.

Anyway I digress this post wasn’t about KH it was about something that has shocked me more.

Last week I was on Twitter trying to tweet support for Nadia just before she was evicted when I came across some tweets which made me sick to my stomach.

Now I want to also state here that I am a great believer in the freedom of speech and I do love that Twitter allows you to tag celebrities, sports stars, musicians etc giving people a voice to those normally out of reach.

But I want to ask “when is too much, simply too much.”

Last night I was appalled to read tweets which said

“I wish Perez and Nadia would drink bleach and die”

“Let Perez win and while he is the last in the house blow the f**ker up”

“Hope Nadia gets an incurable disease and dies”

Seriously why

Why would you say such things.

As a mom whose daughter died from an incurable disease the last one really made me rage.

Am I alone in being appalled at this?

I’m all for telling a footballer he played crap.

Or a politician he is full of bull but come on wishing someone had died.

Personally I think the line is truly crossed.

What do you think?

crossing the line

Miracles didn’t happen.

It’s a well known fact that I’m not domesticated in fact I loathe domestic chores.( I may have mentioned this before ha ha). I honestly believe that those who say they enjoy cleaning really need to seek help as its so beyond me.

Yet for the last twelve months I have been one of Panasonic bloggers. Learning about the new products they have to offer. Being part of the group has been fun even if my husband is right and they only had me as a test subject ie, if we can convince that domestic phobic to use out products we can convince anyone.
Anyway a couple of months  ago I had spent my last day with the Panasonic team and came home with a new vacuum cleaner in tow.

The Panasonic Eco-max Light 


Now after my new found love of baking thanks to the awesome Panasonic combi oven my husband was hoping and praying that the cleaner would turn me into a domestic goodness and he could finally hang up his rubber gloves.


Well sorry miracles haven’t happened ?


As much as the vacuum cleaner is lightweight and easy to use. I still hate cleaning.


We have been using this vacuum cleaner for the last few months and to be honest with a house full of four children and one crazy labador it has done well. It has a very strong suction which has kept our floors clean.


It is very lightweight and has been easier for the kids to use, so much that at times we have even seen their bedrooms floors.


It does have a fantastic head which rotates around corners and under funtuture better than any previous cleaners we have had.


It is very Eco- friendly using less energy but is still incredibly powerful.


It is a pretty good vacuum cleaner but seriously I’ve tried to get excited about cleaning but its not happening.


My husband has been using it more than me and the one comment  he had was that he would have preferred better tools. The nozzle tool is so tiny and although it does stop us sucking up lego blocks etc it is a little small for us. Making cleaning the stairs a longer job then neccsary.


As i’ve stated it is a great light weight vacuum cleaner and for a lady like myself who suffers with bone issues it has made cleaning eaiser just not more attractive ha ha. Because of its lightweight size it has put less pressure on my joints.


I honestly feel like I’m not doing this cleaner justice so I’m going to let the experts tell you about it.


It is a great lightweight hoover and well worth checking out.


Disclosure – I was given a vacuum cleaner for the purpose of this review all opinions were my own or in this case my husbands too.


Statistics are not the reason I write

Yesterday I finally got round to checking on my placing in one of the charts that are about in blogging. I was horrified to find that my blog had dropped by over a 100 places. My head was full of questions. Was it the changeover of blog? Was it my holiday break? My reducing the time I spend online? I think my mind rolled through numerous reasons before I finally decided that maybe I’m just not writing enough, well enough or the right things.

I dwelled on this frustration for a while before I realised what an idiot I was.

Firstly I signed up to charts because others did, not because I really needed to. Secondly i asked why did I write?

Answer simply for me.

The words that fill these pages are the ramblings of my heart and my mind. If there is passion in a post it’s because I am feeling that passion in my heart. If there is fear I am fearful. My words are who I am.

Words are a gift that we have been given to help us express ourselves. Letting them fall out of our minds and on to the pages is such a liberating feeling.

Words have power, they can encourage and deflate. Words can cause pain but can also bring bring peace. Words can change minds, create action and so much more.

Sometimes finding the right word can be the hardest thing other times our words can flow like a river escaping it’s dam.

So I gave myself a gigantic kick up the bum. Yes it’s not nice when you start wondering that the content of your blog isn’t what others deem readable but the truth is that’s life.

The world would be a boring place if we were all the same.

I cannot write to conform I wouldn’t know where to start. I write because it’s my passion and as long as it stays that way statistics really don’t matter.