Do you get ice cream in heaven?

On June 27, 2022June 27, 2022 By rebelwithkindnessIn Dear Daniel, griefLeave a comment

My phone vibrates, it’s a reminder to tell me it’s the Derbyshire county show today. I remember vividly adding the date to my calendar. Telling Daniel about how much fun we were going to have. The animals we would see. Describing how loud and full of so many different sounds, how I hoped the highland cow class in the show ring was going to be on again. Daniel sat eyes wide open listening to me, cuddling in closer as I went on telling him about the horses the tractors. He wasn’t happy that his favourite vet and wife wasn’t going to be there but we were going to have a wonderful day, I’m sure of it.

How I wish I was back there in that state of ignorance. Not knowing how less than a month or so later my world would be in pieces, shattered completely by my broken heart.

How I wish that I could have got up this morning and got Daniel ready for our day of animal heaven, not a day of grieving him in heaven.

How I wish

How I wish.

I hope Daniel visited the show today, that he and Livvy watched the show rings and guessed at the winning animal. I hope they danced to the music playing, flew high on the fairground rides, enjoyed ice-cream and candy floss. Do you get ice cream in heaven? I hope so.

I on the other hand have spend the day in tears, valid of course but overwhelming and so so painful. I truly feel like my future is over, I just have no idea what to do or who to be. I did wonder about going today but decided I couldn’t. The pain would have been too much and actually finances wouldn’t allow it. I do really need to find a job.

No one warns you about the loss of identity that comes with grief, with the loss of your loved one you lose the role you were to them. If you lose a parent you stop being their child, if you lose a child you stop being their parent. I don’t mean in name but in what your day consists off. Losing Daniel I stopped being his mom , carer, nurse, advocate my favourite role, the cuddler all gone with my beautiful boy. Of course I’m still Daniels mom but right now he doesn’t need me and oh my I loved being needed by my boy.

Along with the county show today I have many more moments, appointments that I don’t have to attend any more. My days are empty and I’m finding this hard to navigate. What the heck do I do with myself, 24 hours are now endless and empty.

As I’ve said I’m job hunting but even that has me at a lost. I haven’t spend the last years planning, working on my future career. I had my plans perfectly set before me. I would live to love on Daniel, to spend my time caring for him. Using my time to advocate for Daniel and any one with disabilities who are facing so much discrimination right now.

I had my plans

Did God laugh at them?

I don’t think so

Covid just stole them.

Not feeling groovy

On February 24, 2014 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, Uncategorized6 Comments

After tweeting with the amazing Kate @kateonthinice I decided I was going to blog and be totally honest. As yes we all do have moments, days and weeks that simply suck.

This is mine.

I have been fighting a stomach virus for the last week which drs believe is now mostly due to my immune system going haywire.

I ache all over and to be honest are having the period from hell (she didn’t just mention the monthly thing did she). Oh yes I did that crappy monthly thing that curses woman of a certain age is driving me insane and leaving me in pain.

The thing is I simply don’t have time to be ill. I have a life to lead and things to do.

How dare sickness invade my carefully laid plans.

To be honest I think this is where my real problem lies.

I love it “when a plan comes together” but fall apart when my plans get messed up.

Today I should have been having a lovely lunch with my stepmom. Wandering around the garden centre and having a general catch up.

But instead I am stuck at home feeling generally sorry for myself and whinging to anybody that will listen.

So yes instead of being a groovy mum today I am simply a miserable one.

Dreaming

On May 30, 2011 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, Uncategorized2 Comments

This may sound crazy but sometimes I believe we get limited by our dreams. Let me try to explain what I mean.

When I was a child of course I went through a variety of dreams, to be a dancer, to join the army. I was so sure that I wouldn’t get married or have children.

Imagine if I had stick to that pathway Only following that dream. I wouldn’t have had the blessing of a wonderful husband or four amazing children.

As I have grown I have watched my dreams change, grow, evolve in ways I could never imagine. Life experiences changing the person I was the person I have become.

My dreams of yesterday seem little compared to my dreams of today.

This is where I find dreams limited, the truth is they are only our dreams of today. Tomorrow is yet to be written.

I’m not saying don’t dream , far from it dreaming is a wonderful way to plan pray and create. Yet when we become so focussed on today’s dream we don’t give space for tomorrows to grow.

I love the term daydream because that is so true. Each day our dreams are for the here the now the present.

I love the gift of our imagination but also accept the fact that we can only see so far down the pathway of life. Accepting this gives me strength I don’t know what tomorrow holds but for today I’m enjoying the daydream.