Twenty years on, do I love him like I did?

I was chatting to someone a few days back and they said something that really made me think. They told me they loved their husband the same as when they first met them. This got me thinking.

Do I love my husband the same way?
It’s been twenty years since our first date, do I love him like I did then?

My answer 

Dear Alan 

From the moment I saw you I think I loved you, no matter how hard I tried to deny it you were in my heart forever. 
When you asked me to marry you my heart finally felt complete.

The day I became your wife I questioned if I could ever love another as I love you.

Still twenty years on I have to admit I don’t love you like I did then. 

You don’t make my heart skip a beat anymore at the sound of your voice.

My skin doesn’t tingle when you reach out for me.

It’s not the same 

It’s so much better

I look back over our 20 years, over all we have been through and how I know I couldn’t have survived it all without you. 

My heart may not skip beats at the sound of your voice but my soul feels a peace it only knows from you. 

My skin may not tingle at your touch but my whole body burns to be close to you, connected with you.

20 years ago I didn’t think I could love you more, but I do. Gone is the flirty lust filled love and in its place is a deep emotional connection. 

We are so different you and I. 

I wear my heart on my sleeve. My mouth opens quicker than my brain engages. I stress the little things, the big things and those in between. 

It used to frustrate me how laid back you are, now I see you are the calm to my storm. You are the peace to my hurricane. 

Life has blessed us and hurt us. I have found myself falling into the depths of despair only stopping in my freefall by the strength and love you have wrapped around me like a safety cradle keeping me safe.

I watch you grow each day. Taking on challenges, pushing yourself. It makes me so proud to call you mine. You encourage me to reach out for my dreams, always supporting me on the sidelines.

My heart is full from the way you care for our children. Ones ours from birth others ours by heart. Nothing is too much to make them happy. Your girls have you wrapped around their fingers. Your boy looks up to you his eyes saying “that’s my daddy”.

I think of the children we have still yet to meet, how lucky they will be to call you dad.

The last 20 years have been one heck of a ride. But if I had to do it all again I would in a heartbeat as long as you were there by my side. 

Marriage is a crazy thing, I’m sure no one has all the answers. I’m just glad I got to face the questions with you.

I don’t love you like I did when we first met. 

No I love you so much more.

Thanks for putting up with this crazy girl.

Here’s to the next 20. 

Sara xx

Can you care too much?

I sometimes wonder if I was born onto the wrong planet. So much of life is beyond me. I feel lost and suffocated by the expectations of this world.

I know I need to learn how to switch off. A news story can leave me in despair. A book about a charity, people in need leaves me feeling helpless.

The whole world is in need but I don’t know where to start.

I feel that I should be doing something but I haven’t a clue what. It’s this lost feeling that builds up frustration in my soul.

So many nights I have prayed to God, show me my purpose. Where do you want me? What can I do?

But I’m either not hearing the answer or it’s yet to come.

Last night I was trying to explain to my husband how I feel. He answered “you care to much” but is that possible. If we all cared enough the world wouldn’t be as it is. Children wouldn’t be dying of hunger, people wouldn’t be dying of diseases we can treat and so much more.

I was eavesdropping on a conversation the other day a woman was telling her friend about the plight of children in Africa. Then two minutes after talking about extreme poverty the conversation was on about a new dress she wanted.

How, why??

I know I’m being unfair there are so many people in this world who do care. Who have given up their luxuries, freedom lives for others. I also know I am hypercritical when I desire things I want but don’t really need.

I know the frustration is mine. I need to do, to be. Yet I don’t know where to start.

I need a sign, some direction, a mission a calling. Something that makes me understand why I am here?