Sending the kids to the circus 

Ok I’m fuming right now, last night on my Facebook page I shared this 
  
Photo Credit : Sue Fitzmaurice 

About 30 minutes after I posted I received an email telling me I should be ashamed. It seems that after losing a child I should never wish any harm to my others. I should know how special they are.

Now as you can see from the picture I didn’t wish any harm to my kids and maybe they may have enjoyed the circus.

But really !!!

I love my children with all my heart but I’m being totally honest when I say at times they completely drive me mad. 

As for saying I should know better, what the f*ck.

Livvy didn’t die because I threatened to send her off to the circus. She died because of a shitty neurological disorder named Rett Syndrome. 

As for my other three girls I am parenting them the way I feel best. At times like most moms I feel like I’ve messed up. I shout, scream and often lose my patience. 

Losing Livvy didn’t turn me into the perfect parent.

In fact what it did teach me was that I had to treat my girls like normal. I couldn’t wrap them In cotton wool and be scared of anything happening to them. It wasn’t easy the loss of a child does make you over protective and frightened of everything. But raising them in a bubble wouldn’t be fair to them. 

They have a life to live to the full. The whole world to explore, people to meet, memories to make.

And right now if that means a trip with the circus, so be it. 😜

Open door 

I was watching The Fosters last night and I found myself smiling. 

I just love the diversity of this programme. The featured family love for love’s sake. 

  

They open their home to children of every ethnicity , gender and sexual orientation

Whilst I know that they are a fictional family they are my inspiration.

As a Foster carer and as a mother I know my doors are open to all. 

I will love upon children and thats it. 

I don’t care about anything else besides the fact that they need someone to care for them.

I want my home to celebrate diversity.

There is no right way to love, love is universal and can be felt by all.

I so wish the whole world was like this family. 

I know its slowly changing but I don’t want to hear of a wedding of the same gender described as a gay wedding, I want it to be seen as a wedding. The coming together of two people who wish to share their lives together. We don’t need to label what should be accepted and seen as normal. You don’t hear of a heterosexual wedding described as such.

I’m not sure if any of this is making sense. 

I guess I’m trying to explain that I never want to assume that my daughters will date a guy or that my son a girl. 

I just want them to fall in love.

  

To have someone to respect and honour them.

To know happiness and true togetherness.

The Fosters to me is just the home I want to offer my kids and any that join us. 

A place where love is given simply as love should be, freely and wholeheartedly.

So dear children of mine, 

Those I birthed and those that grew within my heart and those I have yet to meet.

 I only have a few house rules. 

  

We love unconditionally ,

We respect and we cherish. 

We celebrate each other and we never tear one another apart. 

This world is a crazy place at times, it is full of the best people and a few of the worst. 

Lets celebrate our strengths and encourage each other in our weakness.

Lets make memories and reach for those dreams.

Wherever you go in life and whatever you do, always remember you have a home with us. 

In honour of Livvy

Saturday was an amazing day, we held a Livvy’s Smile Donkey Tea Party.

The sun shone for us, the donkeys behaved and memories were made.

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I had a truly wonderful time.

I got to catch up with old friends and make some new.

I got to listen to laughter as it filled the air.

I got to watch children cover themselves with chocolate and cream as they ate their cakes.

Donkey rides, cart rides and so much more.

Seriously it was awesome.

Yet as I sat at home editing the photos from the day my tears began to fall.

My heart just ached for the missing piece of my puzzle.

Whilst I was blessed with some amazing hugs from some truly incredible children my heart yearned for my little Tinkerbell.

Birmingham Donkey Sanctuary holds a special place in my heart.

Each corner is filled with the echo of my Olivia.

Those first steps she took defying the Drs.

The giggles as she rode her favourite donkey.

alvis livvy

The dirty looks she gave Amber when told to sit up straight.

So many moments, so many memories.

 

I was asked why we started Livvy’s Smile and why I hold events that bring me pain?

It is simple really we started Livvy’s Smile because we are so grateful.

So thankful for the wonderful memories we have stored from Livvy.

Memories that truly get us through the darkness and we just want to give that light to other families.

On Saturday we created those special memories full of chocolate eclairs and cool moms.

Memories that will give us hope through the hard times.

Why do I it when it causes me pain? 

Because I can and because I have to.

I was blessed to be Livvy’s mom, to get to call this amazing girlie my daughter.

Livvy changed my life. 

The realisation that we didn’t have forever taught me to live in the here and now.

To live a life full of laughter and love.

 

So yes hosting these events will always be bittersweet.

I’m sure I will always return home and cry for the missing piece of my heart.

But I will never stop working hard to create memories because each moment, each memory is in honour of my beautiful daughter.

Every smile I see brings her closer.

 

Yes, I know my heart will always ache,

Grief is relentless.

Like a snake it slowly twists around your heart until you cannot breathe.

Your body craves for one more breathe, one more moment.

So as the tears fall I know they do so in honour.

Each teardrop is formed in everlasting love.

Livvy is part of who I am and who I always will be.

Livvy’s Smile is testimony to eternal love. 

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#Nationalbestfriendday

Well, yes I’m a day late but hey ho yesterday was National best friend day, and I just want to say a massive thank you to those crazy people I get to call my friends.

Friendship is something I haven’t always found easy, I didn’t really have the best school years. Yet over the last 20 years my life has been blessed by some amazing people.

Friendship has formed on school playgrounds, hospital wards,camping fields, via the plus size community and here on the internet.

I have friends I get to see often and friends I have yet to physically hug but each and everyone has blessed my life.

Friendships are beautiful things and I know I wouldn’t have survived the last 6 years especially without some incredible people who have held me tight and lifted me up.

My Grandad once told me that  “Strangers are friends you have to meet” and this philosophy has stood me well over time and I hope it continues to do so.

So here’s to the strangers I now get to call friends and those I have yet to meet.

I love you all xxx

best friend

Lets play on National Children’s Day

Play, that thing we assume all children do.

But do we realise how important it is to our children’s development?

  • Play increases self-esteem and self respect.
  • Improves physical and mental health.
  • Extends their social skills, teaches turn taking and patience.
  • Encourages imagination and creativity
  • Offers opportunities and for children of abilities and cultures to play together.

 

Today is National Children’s Day

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Let’s celebrate our children and make today one of play.

 

Thank you doesn’t seem enough.

I’m not sure how I am feeling right now, yesterday was a whirlwind of emotions. I laughed, I cried and I laughed some more.

There isn’t really a guideline on how to feel I guess, no instruction book on how to celebrate birthdays of those that never reached them.

I know some think i’m strange, that to celebrate the birthday of a child that has passed is wrong or odd. That’s ok, everyone is completely entitled to their own opinion and the fact is grief is so unique. Nobody feels the same, everyone has their own journey through it or as I believe ‘with it’.

I’m struggling to find words to describe yesterday it was one of the hardest days of my life but also one of the most blessed.

From the moment the clock struck the new day the messages started to flood in.

Birthday wishes for my beautiful girl.

Messages, pictures and names drawn in the sand my girl was remembered.

Friends all over the world wishing my girl a Happy 16th.

Yesterday was a blur of family, friendship and cake, it was a truly special  day.

It is only now as I sit back and reflect that I really realise how completely amazing it was.

I could not thank people enough for what they gave me yesterday. After many nights of wondering and worrying that my Livvy would be forgotten my heart was swollen by the love I felt and the amount of people who remembered her day.

The fund-raising event for the charity formed in her memory Livvy’s Smile was a great success I don’t yet have a final total raised but I know its in the hundreds which is so wonderful.

Besides the donations I also want to say thank you to those who ate cake with their friends and family in honour of this day. I know I harp on a lot about this but memories are the greatest gift we can give ourselves and I am so blessed that you all made new special ones yesterday in honour of my girl.

So yes I’m not sure how I am really feeling today but what I do know is that my heart is full. My girl was honoured in such a beautiful way and for that I will always be grateful.

Thank you doesn’t seem enough but THANK YOU.

Livvy's banner

 

Memories cherished as memories are made.

I have just returned from a wonderful week in beautiful Wales.

I have loved every minute of it, from the beautiful sunsets to the endless beaches.

Its been a truly wonderful week.

It was a week I so needed, time to recharge and refresh my mind.

Time to allow the words to form and the passages to write.

I am feeling stronger that ever.

My heart and mind are on the same path.

This holiday was the first time I have gone back to this area of Wales without Livvy.

I honestly believed that it was going to have to be another first without her.

Yet it wasn’t because as I have enjoyed the views, cherished the sunsets and loved the ocean I have felt Livvy everywhere.

Memories cherished as memories made.

Dogemals 2015 Newquay 2015 west wales 2015

All together

My daughter returns from university today and yes I am so excited to see her.

So why did a friendly comment feel like I had been punched in the stomach?

My friend said “ I bet you are excited to have all the family back together’.

How simple and true is this comment.

Yes i am excited.

But my family will not all be back together.

You see there will always be a missing piece,

missing piece

 

An empty place at the table.

A pile of presents that have not been bought.

On Christmas day only three of my girls will be celebrating it here with me.

Heaven holds the celebration for the other.

I want to say that i’m ok about it all, that i can be happy and enjoy the season but I can’t.

The ache in my heart is getting stronger and stronger as we head towards the 25th.

I hate that on Christmas day I have to visit the crematorium, that the only gift I can give to my daughter is flowers on her stone.

I want the air to echo with her laughter, the harmony of my four beautiful girls to play.

Yet all i can hear is the silence of the missing note.

Christmas is a special time of year, I love the wonder of it all.

The excitement that builds in peoples hearts.

The joy of giving , the love that is shared.

Christmas is a time for celebration and I promise I will try.

Still I hope that it will be ok, that sometimes through this season i disappear.

Disappear to a place where i can allow the tears to fall.

Where I can allow the missing to show upon my face.

Because I cannot pretend all the time.

I just don’t have the strength.

I need to give my heart freedom.

Freedom to grieve my beautiful missing daughter.

My daughter is at university and i don’t miss her.

Ok maybe the title of the post was a little inflammatory but it is partly true.

You see my daughter is at university and yes whilst I do miss her I am glad she is gone.

 

Why?

 

Its simple she is living her dream.

The destiny her father and I have wanted for her.

She is studying at the university she wanted to attend.

She is loving the subject of her degree

She has made some amazing friends and is having masses of fun.

 

I am so proud of all she has achieved.

I am super excited for all the future has in store for her.

She is living her life to the full and i am loving watching her grow and change into a beautiful woman.

She is independent and feisty and I love it.

I love her.

 

It’s not about missing her.

It’s part of parenting.

We raise them and hope and pray we have instilled in them wisdom and strength.

Then we let them go.

It’s the bird flying the nest.

The continuance of life.

 

It isn’t easy but its not about me, its not about us her parents.

It’s about my child who is now taking the next step on her life’s journey.

As a mother I wouldn’t want anything more than to see my child fulfil her dreams.

So yes I am missing her,

But I am so proud of her for living her dream.

 

ofcourse i miss her