My forever eco warrior

Ouch it hurts, an email, a simple email has left me sobbing into my pillow. No names nothing personal so why am I so heartbroken? I will tell you why, it’s because of what should have been.

Let me explain I opened up my Email and clicked the first one it’s become such a second nature thing to do I didn’t even check before I opened. It was Fatface the lovely, gorgeous brand Fatface telling me all about the new collaboration between themselves and the Marine conservation society. The email says something like ( I deleted rather quickly) “let your little one help save the seas”. Well along those lines, it was hard to read through the tears.

You see Daniel loved nature, he watched documentaries from Steve Backshall on the sharks and he got so cross at the damage we were doing to the oceans and even his Easter bonnet design was going to be a Save our Seas one, complete with plastic rubbish and a trapped turtle. But we didn’t get to make it and unfortunately I won’t be getting to buy him these clothes and support this fantastic cause. So I cried and to be honest I’m still crying. Seven isn’t enough time and no matter how thankful I am for the years we had together, they will never fill the void of how much I miss my beautiful boy.

So here I am sharing this campaign not for any obligation and I’m not working with the brand but because I know Daniel would want me to. Take a look and if this isn’t your thing or isn’t suitable for you just remember we can all do something simple to help save our oceans and do it for Daniel because Daniel was and always will be my little eco warrior.

Grief is like the ocean

Grief is like the ocean.

Sometimes it feels as if I am drowning sinking deeper and deeper into the dark.

Fighting again gigantic waves that would be a surfer dream.

Other times I can see the beauty all around me.

Moving gently as the warm water lulls around me.

It’s strange but one thing I am learning is that grief is unique. Everyone feels, hurts, heals in there own time.

Last night all I could think about was my beautiful Livvy.

My heart forever broken was tearing me inside out.

The missing had become almost unbearable.

I just wanted to hold her in my arms again.

I was angry at losing her.

Angry that the world just carried on without her.

The early hours seemed endless.

As the storm crashed outside one built up inside me.

So I cried.

In fact I cried harder that I had in a long time and it was fantastic and so needed.

When I hold on to the pain inside it consumes me. So releasing it is freedom.

So as the tears fell my anger did to.

I understand that no-one knows what is around the corner for them. Healthy children get ill, planes crash and the world at times can be a truly awful place, wars, genocide and murder.

Yet for nine years I got to have my baby with me. I got to receive the gift of being her mom and for that I would spent many more nights in tears.

Life hasn’t gone how I had dreamed. In fact I am so far of course it’s crazy. But it has given me the greatest gifts I could ever of asked for. My beautiful girls.

I miss Livvy so much and I can guarantee that there will be many more nights like last night.

That’s ok this ocean journey isn’t over yet.

But as Psalm 30.5 reminds is “Joy comes with morning “.

I am so grateful I am Olivia’s mom and I know one day we will meet again.

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Home sweet home

What a blissful, few days. We have just returned from a caravanning holiday in South Wales, Rhosselli and it’s been great. The sun was out for three perfect days where we got to sit on the beach, play in the sea and build sandcastles in the sand. The kids have laughed and played and also slept which was blissful by itself. We also got to spend some wonderful time with friends.

I have been struck by many things over the last week. Firstly I think we need to move by the Sea. The feeling of calm I get when I watch the ocean it just fills me with a peace I can’t find elsewhere. Just watching the waves energies my very soul.

Secondly I love the stars. One thing I dislike about living in a built up area is I never get to lie outside and look at the stars. Sitting outside on the campsite I got to chat to Brodie about the windows in heaven. Then as we just sat cuddling a shooting star flashed across the sky. A memory made forever with my baby.

There is also nothing more beautiful than standing watching the sun set over the ocean. For a long time as I stood there I felt heaven was within reach. That Livvy was at the end of my fingertips. I felt such harmony at the connection between heaven and earth.

So now I’m home with a caravan that needs cleaning, two big bags of washing and a new school year to get prepared for.

I’m glad to be back but I hope my inner peace will stay around for a while. If not I better start planning our move.

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