I’m so tired at the moment, it feels like I haven’t a full nights sleep in weeks.

My youngest has been having nightmares, waking up with real fear. Scared of losing someone, facing another loss.

Of course all children have the occasional nightmare. Waking up scared that maybe someone has gone,

Yet for Brodie that nightmare has come true, Twice,

No wonder she is scared.

I hate that she has faced so much. I never imagined when she was born that she was to feel so much pain.

I wanted the perfect childhood for my girls. It was never about the material things just a childhood full of love, laughter and security.

Pain, loss, grief wasn’t part of my plan.

Of course life doesn’t always play the way we want it.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone


Feeling Alone

I’ve just had one of the worst nights sleep ever.

My dreams were filled with awful nightmares.

Now I’m left analysing the whys and why nots of it all and my brain feels like its going to explode.

Picture this, I was in a room full with people I know but for some reason they were completely ignoring me. I couldn’t work out if they couldn’t see me or were just blanking me.

I was talking and they all looked straight past me, straight through me. This was my friends, my family, everyone.

They were all going about, chatting, drinking and having a great time but I was completely invisible to them.

It really struck home to me last night that maybe my nightmare was subconsciously telling me this is how I’ve been feeling. The last few weeks I have been struggling, overwhelmed by the sense of being alone.

It’s crazy as I have a husband who loves me and I’m constantly surrounded by my children. So how can I be feeling so alone?

I don’t know what’s going on in my head at the moment, just that it’s a rather strange place to be right now.