I woke last night screaming, somehow my sleep had become a time machine and I was there again in the hospital begging my child to wake. Desperate to see her chest rise again, begging the Lord to save her.

How can 12 years just disappear in a moment?

Yet I know in grief, time is only my enemy.

I miss my girlie so much, how I wish I could just hold her in my arms once more, to just breathe in the sweet smell of her hair.

Grief is a complex devil, playing games with your heart moment by moment, memory by memory.

Does it ever end?

Only with eternity I guess.

Oh I never knew the heart could survive such pain. The crushing weight becoming bearable against my wishes.

I don’t want to sleep again, I had to leave her once I’m not sure I could do it again.

Why does your memory invade your dreams?

Is there nowhere free from grief?

I couldn’t pretend for a while, I could not create the facade of being ok in those darkness hours. So I let the tears fall and as my whole soul hiccuped through my body I allowed myself to miss her.

I let the memories swarm my mind like a tapestry of bees as they create their honey, I created my moments again. I held her in my arms, I heard her sweet giggle of mischief on the symphony of the night and I breathed her in deep and I sobbed.

I still don’t understand why I had to lose her, why Rett Syndrome had to win the battle for her life. Yet I know it wasn’t for the lack of love. My Livvy, their Livvy, your Livvy was loved with the depths of so many hearts.

If love could have saved her life she would be here.

No the question still stands unanswered, our hearts still forever broken.

I couldn’t breathe anymore the tears had tore my soul and I did fall into an exhausted sleep.

I wake still desperate to hold my daughter once again.

The new day begins,

I trust, I breathe and I hope.

Until we meet again my beautiful girl, until.

Joining in again with five minute Friday, set your timer for five minutes and write.


I’m so tired at the moment, it feels like I haven’t a full nights sleep in weeks.

My youngest has been having nightmares, waking up with real fear. Scared of losing someone, facing another loss.

Of course all children have the occasional nightmare. Waking up scared that maybe someone has gone,

Yet for Brodie that nightmare has come true, Twice,

No wonder she is scared.

I hate that she has faced so much. I never imagined when she was born that she was to feel so much pain.

I wanted the perfect childhood for my girls. It was never about the material things just a childhood full of love, laughter and security.

Pain, loss, grief wasn’t part of my plan.

Of course life doesn’t always play the way we want it.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~Elizabeth Stone


Feeling Alone

I’ve just had one of the worst nights sleep ever.

My dreams were filled with awful nightmares.

Now I’m left analysing the whys and why nots of it all and my brain feels like its going to explode.

Picture this, I was in a room full with people I know but for some reason they were completely ignoring me. I couldn’t work out if they couldn’t see me or were just blanking me.

I was talking and they all looked straight past me, straight through me. This was my friends, my family, everyone.

They were all going about, chatting, drinking and having a great time but I was completely invisible to them.

It really struck home to me last night that maybe my nightmare was subconsciously telling me this is how I’ve been feeling. The last few weeks I have been struggling, overwhelmed by the sense of being alone.

It’s crazy as I have a husband who loves me and I’m constantly surrounded by my children. So how can I be feeling so alone?

I don’t know what’s going on in my head at the moment, just that it’s a rather strange place to be right now.