Starting well

So I’ve the started the new year the way I wanted, prioritising where my focus and energy needs to be at this given time in my life. It’s amazing how pure exhaustion and sleep deprivation can make you more focussed and determined but it is something that’s been on my mind and heart for a while.

It’s been a mixture of emotions, I have felt a lot of guilt. Saying no or I can’t doesn’t sit easy with me but there has also been an enormous feeling of relief. I am focusing on giving myself breathing space, areas of calm and a chance to grow in the direction I want to.

Why is looking after ourselves so hard? Is it a female thing? My husband has no problem with saying no in most areas, sometimes without a second thought. He does not twist himself up inside and second guess himself. He makes the decision based on his needs and time. Whilst sometimes this drives me mad I do admire his commitment to himself.

Every book or information I read tells me that self care is a must, that to be a better wife, Mama or generally better I need to rest and recharge yet I never seem to block time into my diary, or I give it up easily.

So yes whilst I’m feeling a lot of mixed emotions I know I’m taking the first steps in the right direction. I’m making plans just for me and beside Daniel’s health I am not changing them for anything else. I can already feel the change in myself. Right now I’m fighting a cold virus and whilst I feel blooming awful I don’t feel pulled apart by all the people I would have perceived in my head to have let down.

So I’ve started as I mean to go on. I now only have to reorganise the house, look closely at my finances and get some more sleep and I will be well on my way to a more relaxed 2019.

Here’s hoping.

My word for 2019

So here we are on the eve of a new year and the ending of a old. I cannot say that 2018 was the hardest year of my life as nothing compares to 2008, but my goodness it has sucked at times. 2018 has been a year of growth, I’ve learned more about myself than I could have ever imagined. For years I have been professing self confidence or self awareness but this last year I have owned my words. I am very much a work in progress and I have a lot let to achieve and change. Still I am so ready and have already began, who needs a date on the calendar to start, everyday is new beginning a new opportunity to live the life you want.

2018 has brought me so much, I have friendships I cherish, new opportunities and exciting moments that have become incredible memories. We didn’t get to experience many adventures but that restriction in itself has allowed me to grow and finally learn my self worth.

That leads me nicely to my word choice of 2019, WORTH.

2019 is the year I want to continue working on my worth. Learning to see the value in who I am. Appreciate all that I can do. For a long time I have mixed up self worth with ego. That to pat oneself on the back is egotistical and wrong. I’ve searched for the value of myself in others opinion’s not knowing my own truth. 2018 has taught me some hard lessons, that sometimes no matter how much you try or do for others it doesn’t always make them respect or love you more. That I am also not responsible for everything in this world, that others have responsibility too and that sometimes things will just not work out or be as you wish it to be.

I’m learning that it’s ok not to actually like others, that it’s not evil to just think that you don’t want that person in your life.

Realising that the things you do should be in joy not just obligation. If you find yourself dreading a meeting, a group that you don’t actually need to be part of you can leave. It’s not letting people down by admitting that this isn’t your place. I mean what use are you if your heart and mind are not invested?

I have realised this last year that I don’t need to belong anywhere, sometimes I want to and that’s fine but I don’t need to. I can go places and enjoy the moment without wishing I had been invited into a group or a conversation. I am finally happy in my own skin.

Non of this is saying that I don’t want people in my life in fact just the opposite, I want to find true value in friendship, build stronger bonds and definitely make more memories.

I’m excited for 2019, I’m nervous of the changes it will bring especially as we continue to foster and extend our family. I’m excited to watch Daniel grow and start staying at school longer. I’m praying his health is stable and he gets the opportunity to live fully. I’m terrified that my baby girl is going to become an adult this year, it was hard watching her sisters come of age but she has and always will be my baby so it’s hitting harder with her. My girls have all changed so much over this last year. I’m hoping 2019 is a year of goal reaching and dream making for them. Also for the two loves that have their hearts you two are both family and I pray 2019 brings you both your dreams ( beyond my beautiful daughters of course).

For my long suffering husband ( his words ) Alan. I want you to share my word with me, you are one incredible man and I only wish you would know this more. I wish adventure for you and excitement full of joy and memories. Remember to laugh a little more and just enjoy the moment just because.

As for me I want to continue my journey of loving and laughing. I would like to be a little more organised and a lot let anxious but I’m ready to celebrate who I am right now and who I will become. I’m excited for 2019 a year of making more memories. Of only saying yes if I really want to and allowing myself the freedom to grow and learn.

May it be a good year, may we make it a good one because let’s be honest the date on a calendar does not define our destiny, we do.

As the year comes to an end…..

So its the end of another year.

A lot has happened in the last 365 days.

I became the parent to all teenagers

Then a few months later I became the parent of an adult. (crazy)

I also then had to wave the said adult off as she left for university

It has truly been a crazy year, at times it has felt my feet have barely touched the ground.

We are still fostering a handsome young man with special needs and he is certainly keeping us on our toes.

Livvy’s Smile is doing well, we have held some fantastic memory making days and been busy fundraising. We have also had our story featured in a weekly woman’s magazine.

Personally I have had my writing published in a book and also walked the catwalk as a plus size model.

It’s honestly been a go go year.

As I wave 2014 goodbye I do so with two emotions.

Pride and exhaustion.

Proud of all we have achieved.

Exhausted, well simply by achieving all we have achieved.

I am super excited for 2015 though.

I have so many hopes for this forthcoming year.

In September I start at university, this is something I have dreamed of for such a long time and I cannot tell you how excited I am.

I’m also modelling again at Style XL and have a couple of photo shoots already lined up.

We may be adding another foster child to our family, and the girls are still trying hard to drive me completely insane.

So yes 2015 I am looking forward to you.

But while I am not making any new year resolutions I am making myself some promises.

Firstly I’m going to learn how to take time for myself.

Allowing myself space to breath, stop feeling guilty about wanting time out.

Also working on my health and fitness, continue with my swimming and working on my diet, as in healthy food not weight loss (not that I wouldn’t mind shifting a pound or twenty). I’m also going to try and stop stressing about things i cannot change and stop letting others have power over me. Anxiety has had me for the last 38 years, no more.

Secondly I’m going to work harder on my marriage.

It’s so easy after 19 years of being with the same man to take him for granted. To take each other for granted. I want to work on cherishing each other, spending quality time together and having fun. Reminding my husband that I still love every inch of him and that i find him sexier now than ever.

Thirdly Im going to work on believing in myself more.

For too long I have let myself down, rejected compliments or turned away opportunities because I didn’t believe I could do them.

This next year is going to be different.

I am a bright, intelligent woman and I am going to embrace all that I am. Negativity and self disbelief can stay in 2014 where it belongs.

This woman is going places.

Fourthly I’m going to have fun and make more memories.

This year I want to be more spontaneous and just enjoy the moment.

Let go and just take each day as it comes.

Play more with the kids and generally try not to stress as much as I do.

 

So there you go, my 2015 promises to myself.

Still before this year comes to an end i want to thank all my readers for the support that they have given me.

Blogging has afforded me many opportunities but the greatest of all these has been the people I have connected with in real life and here in the virtual world.

Your comments, emails, tweets have all lifted me when I was low.

Inspired me when I was lost and loved me when I was lonely.

I started blogging in 2008 for different reasons than I write now, but as always in 2015 this blog will be my heart.

What you read is simply who I am.

Heart on my sleeve

Words on the page.

So with that I would like to say…….

BLOG NEW YEAR

My word for 2014

As per the last few years I have decided to choose a word then represents all I wish to be this new year.

So for 2014 my word is

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I am so tired of being afraid. I struggle with so many fears and they are slowly driving me insane or as I’m sure my loved ones would say have already drove me insane.

No more

This year I am going to be BRAVE

Brave in friendship

Reaching out the hand of friendship. Building friendships old and new and allowing myself to let down my guard.

Brave for family life.

Spending quality time making memories rather than getting bogged down in other things.

Brave in my career

I am determined to push myself both in fostering and my writing and to achieve greater things with them.

Brave (and determined) to build up Livvy’s Smile

Raising more money and awareness so that we can make more memories, create more smiles and also support the causes that are dear to our hearts.

Brave in my studying

Putting the time in to get the qualifications I desire. To eventually get the career I dream of.

Brave in letting go of the past.

Leaving the past where it belongs and concentrating on building a future for my family and I. To stop allowing myself to be hurt all over again.

Brave facing my health fears.

Seeing the specialists, working on my fitness and general improving my health.

So there you go a few of the ways I wish to be Brave this year.

So this is my word for the coming year.

What’s yours?

 

 

 

New Year honours for a man who gave hope,

I don’t normally get excited about the News Years honours and to be honest I was a little disappointed when David Beckham didn’t get one. So imagine my joy when I heard the news that Dr Adrian Bird had been awarded a Knighthood.

As I may have mentioned
before Dr Adrian Bird is my real life hero. His dedication and discoveries in Rett syndrome research has brought hope into the lives of many.

This knighthood is in my opinion probably the most ever deserved but of course I am super bias.

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I was gutted earlier this year when he wasn’t awarded the Nobel prize so I am elated to find that he has been recognised in this way.

So is it Sir Adrian Bird

Or

Sir Doctor Adrian Bird

Or maybe

Dr Adrian Bird KT

Whichever I am super excited for him and his family.

A great start to a new year and let’s hope it’s also the beginning of an exciting year for Rett syndrome research.

2014 I’m coming for you.

After hearing the news of the passing of one not much older than me. I have reached a realisation.

Life is way to short.

I have been letting the ones who have walked away from me have too much of my headspace and allowing them to cause me heartache.

Not anymore

I am going to cherish those that walk alongside me. My pretty awesome husband Alan and my beautiful children. My fantastic dad and stepmom who are always there for me and of course my amazing friends.

I have had old friends come back into my life which I am so grateful for. People who I have missed dearly.

I have made new friends that now feel like they have been in my life forever.

I have a new church family and a place where my husband has found his faith, which I am so very blessed by.

I have been welcomed into a new community of plus size bloggers who have shown me that I am beautiful whatever my size. They have given me confidence I have never had.

I have friends that have stood by me for many years. Being a light in the darkness. Special needs parents, grieving parents all have walked along side me.

I am truly blessed.

2014 is going to be my year of moving forward.

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