Hello 2023

On January 1, 2023 By rebelwithkindnessIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Hello 2023 I’m not not going to even try and say “Happy new year” because the words get stuck in my throat, I choke on the sentiment of new beginnings, a better time blah blah blah. The date has changed on the calendar and like everyday since April 27th I start it with the pain of missing my boy.

When I lost Livvy in 2008 the turning of the new year destroyed my soul, I truly felt like I was leaving her behind and couldn’t comprehend a year that didn’t have her a part of, memories made that didn’t hold her within. So I guess the irony of losing two children is I now know I’m not leaving Daniel behind in 2022 I’m bringing him with me. Just like Livvy I may have left his physical in 2022 but his spirit, his love, my Daniel will be in everything I do in 2023. Alongside his big sister they get to be my heavenly cheerleaders and my biggest inspiration.

Now don’t get me wrong I am not tying the loss of my beautiful boy in an imaginary bow of “all is good,” far from it. 2022 you have been a hell of a year and losing Daniel well there are no words it’s just wrong and so fucked. He deserved so much more and whilst I will never understand why I had to lose him I will never not be grateful that I got to be his Mama, I am his Mama.

So what’s the plan for 2023, right now I’m just sticking with just survival. I know I have to work on being healthy, not the lose weight, get active healthy (though this wouldn’t hurt) but feeding my body decent fuel, hoping to stop tumbling from one illness to another and just working on caring for myself a little more, “walk the talk” is what a friend reminded me gently this week.

I also need to work on my mental health, getting a later in life ADHD diagnosis came rather as shock to me but it had as allowed me to understand my brain more than ever and this is allowing myself to be more honest with my feelings. I want to continue learning more about myself and my likes and dislikes and to stop trying to play the roles I think others want me to play and find my authenticity. Not going to be easy especially with CPSTD but working with some amazing people has really allowed me to start understanding it’s ok to like what I like and who I am. Like I said it’s a journey and I am definitely still at the beginning.

I start 2023 in a new career, it’s a field I have wanted to work in for, well forever. I didn’t want to have to lose my gorgeous boy to find myself here but maybe he sent me the job from heaven who knows. I’m hoping that I can find my purpose again and make a difference still in the lives of others. I truly believe we aren’t put on this earth for our own gratification but that true joy comes from service and enriching the lives of others. So I’m striving for growth, development and hopefully success in changing lives.

I want to see the world a little more, live in the moment a little more and breathe deeper a whole lot more. For as long as I can remember I’ve lived only shallow breathing scared so much of what could go wrong that I forget to see what could go right. The irony of writing this after losing my beautiful boy isn’t lost on me. But I guess when you are already so broken the only way forward is healing. I don’t believe I could fall any further into the darkness right now so the only way forward is towards the light.

I have no idea if any of this will materialise, I’ve learned that life will be whatever it’s meant to be. All I can promise is I’m going to try to live to honour all my children my earthly and heavenly blessings. To live each day knowing I’ve made them proud and myself too.

Hello 2023, I’m not ready for you but I also know you are coming regardless, so here we go.

As for 2022 “fuck you”.

Start here

On January 1, 2022January 1, 2022 By rebelwithkindnessIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

I’ve decided to try and follow a January prompts writing plan. This year is for me to be about learning to enjoy writing again without the pressure of a false idea of perfection.

So here we go.

January 1st : Start here

Start here at the beginning, this should be a time of excitement and anticipation yet I always struggle to start anything. The fear of failure looms above me like the dark cloud on a miserable day. Expectation breeds anxiety inside of me, I’m scared to fail before I even try.

I’ve learned a lot about myself this last year especially. How I have build up false accounts in my mind to protect me. I had convinced myself of so many falsehoods, hiding myself from judgement or the pain of broken promises.

I’m examining these lies I’ve told myself and trying to work out what’s truth from the protective façade.

From simple things like I don’t like craft to places I have convinced myself I don’t wish to visit. Unpicking the pain and brokenness and trusting myself to make my own judgements. Not allowing the past to define my future.

This may just sound vague and that’s ok. Todays not the day to open wounds in a public arena but a day that I start to allow myself to heal.

Trusting myself to feel the rejection and stand strong in my own truth.

Believing that I am ready to finally allow myself to be me.

So here on the first day of the new year, I allow myself to begin to heal.

To begin a journey of new understanding.

Let’s

Start here.

Let’s find me.

On the cusp

On December 31, 2021December 31, 2021 By rebelwithkindnessIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Wow what a feeling as we wait on the cusp of a new year. The feeling of trepidation, the tenderness of maybes.

I’m sure you can all think back to March 2020 when we first went into lockdown. That feeling of temporary, if we do this now in a couple of months we will be back enjoying life to the max. Well I guess that wasn’t to be, 2020 was a year of sacrifice. Sacrifice from the NHS, delivery drivers, care workers, shop workers all the key-workers, they showed up so we didn’t have to. It was a year when we celebrated them, thanked them and was grateful.

Fast forward to 2021, the year I like to describe as our countries toddler year, tantrums were thrown, toys flung out of the pram. Rule breakers patting themselves on the back and lies spewing from those in power like a child on the waltzers after candy floss. It was a year of divisions and more sacrifice again from the doctors and nurses and the incredible NHS. A year of selfishness from those who assume they deserve to break the rules, that were there to protect all. Those that don’t care beyond themselves.

Yet and for the most part it was a year we had hope, the vaccine was created (thank you scientists). We had a way to protect ourselves and those around us. Yes some have decided that they don’t want the government to track them ( I mean they declare this whilst holding a mobile phone in their hand but hey ho) but for the most of us we celebrated a way to protect those we love. To protect the free and fantastic NHS service we have and try to have hope for a brighter future once more.

So where are we now, as I said before on the cusp, omicron has felt like a punch that is delivered to the back of a fighters head after the bell had rung and we were returning to our corners. Normality felt in our grasp then wham here’s another variant to add to the growing Covid 19 vocabulary. It sucks but again the hope is there in the science, can we just say thank you again to the scientists.

I have no idea what 2022 is going to look like, I pray that the vaccine rollout for vulnerable 5-11 year olds happens swiftly. I pray that the NHS and the care system gets all the support both financially and morally that it deserves. I pray for a new normality, one that has taken the lessons of the pandemic on board.

People matter not things.

Time is not guaranteed so love hard.

Gratitude is free, kindness is free.

We are more than the jobs we do, the money we make and the places we travel. We are more creative than we realise and hey maybe a few of us can now bake bread.

In all seriousness, we have all faced some mental battles, show me one person who hasn’t throughout this pandemic. If normality is ours again let’s not lose what we have learned in this time. Let’s not waste the painfulness, I mean growing pains hurt.

So as we ring in a new year, let’s go quietly in 2022 with hope, gratitude and kindness.

I wish you all a happy, healthy 2022.

Starting well

On January 8, 2019 By rebelwithkindnessIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

So I’ve the started the new year the way I wanted, prioritising where my focus and energy needs to be at this given time in my life. It’s amazing how pure exhaustion and sleep deprivation can make you more focussed and determined but it is something that’s been on my mind and heart for a while.

It’s been a mixture of emotions, I have felt a lot of guilt. Saying no or I can’t doesn’t sit easy with me but there has also been an enormous feeling of relief. I am focusing on giving myself breathing space, areas of calm and a chance to grow in the direction I want to.

Why is looking after ourselves so hard? Is it a female thing? My husband has no problem with saying no in most areas, sometimes without a second thought. He does not twist himself up inside and second guess himself. He makes the decision based on his needs and time. Whilst sometimes this drives me mad I do admire his commitment to himself.

Every book or information I read tells me that self care is a must, that to be a better wife, Mama or generally better I need to rest and recharge yet I never seem to block time into my diary, or I give it up easily.

So yes whilst I’m feeling a lot of mixed emotions I know I’m taking the first steps in the right direction. I’m making plans just for me and beside Daniel’s health I am not changing them for anything else. I can already feel the change in myself. Right now I’m fighting a cold virus and whilst I feel blooming awful I don’t feel pulled apart by all the people I would have perceived in my head to have let down.

So I’ve started as I mean to go on. I now only have to reorganise the house, look closely at my finances and get some more sleep and I will be well on my way to a more relaxed 2019.

Here’s hoping.

My word for 2019

On December 31, 2018December 31, 2018 By rebelwithkindnessIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

So here we are on the eve of a new year and the ending of a old. I cannot say that 2018 was the hardest year of my life as nothing compares to 2008, but my goodness it has sucked at times. 2018 has been a year of growth, I’ve learned more about myself than I could have ever imagined. For years I have been professing self confidence or self awareness but this last year I have owned my words. I am very much a work in progress and I have a lot let to achieve and change. Still I am so ready and have already began, who needs a date on the calendar to start, everyday is new beginning a new opportunity to live the life you want.

2018 has brought me so much, I have friendships I cherish, new opportunities and exciting moments that have become incredible memories. We didn’t get to experience many adventures but that restriction in itself has allowed me to grow and finally learn my self worth.

That leads me nicely to my word choice of 2019, WORTH.

2019 is the year I want to continue working on my worth. Learning to see the value in who I am. Appreciate all that I can do. For a long time I have mixed up self worth with ego. That to pat oneself on the back is egotistical and wrong. I’ve searched for the value of myself in others opinion’s not knowing my own truth. 2018 has taught me some hard lessons, that sometimes no matter how much you try or do for others it doesn’t always make them respect or love you more. That I am also not responsible for everything in this world, that others have responsibility too and that sometimes things will just not work out or be as you wish it to be.

I’m learning that it’s ok not to actually like others, that it’s not evil to just think that you don’t want that person in your life.

Realising that the things you do should be in joy not just obligation. If you find yourself dreading a meeting, a group that you don’t actually need to be part of you can leave. It’s not letting people down by admitting that this isn’t your place. I mean what use are you if your heart and mind are not invested?

I have realised this last year that I don’t need to belong anywhere, sometimes I want to and that’s fine but I don’t need to. I can go places and enjoy the moment without wishing I had been invited into a group or a conversation. I am finally happy in my own skin.

Non of this is saying that I don’t want people in my life in fact just the opposite, I want to find true value in friendship, build stronger bonds and definitely make more memories.

I’m excited for 2019, I’m nervous of the changes it will bring especially as we continue to foster and extend our family. I’m excited to watch Daniel grow and start staying at school longer. I’m praying his health is stable and he gets the opportunity to live fully. I’m terrified that my baby girl is going to become an adult this year, it was hard watching her sisters come of age but she has and always will be my baby so it’s hitting harder with her. My girls have all changed so much over this last year. I’m hoping 2019 is a year of goal reaching and dream making for them. Also for the two loves that have their hearts you two are both family and I pray 2019 brings you both your dreams ( beyond my beautiful daughters of course).

For my long suffering husband ( his words ) Alan. I want you to share my word with me, you are one incredible man and I only wish you would know this more. I wish adventure for you and excitement full of joy and memories. Remember to laugh a little more and just enjoy the moment just because.

As for me I want to continue my journey of loving and laughing. I would like to be a little more organised and a lot let anxious but I’m ready to celebrate who I am right now and who I will become. I’m excited for 2019 a year of making more memories. Of only saying yes if I really want to and allowing myself the freedom to grow and learn.

May it be a good year, may we make it a good one because let’s be honest the date on a calendar does not define our destiny, we do.

As the year comes to an end…..

On December 31, 2014 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

So its the end of another year.

A lot has happened in the last 365 days.

I became the parent to all teenagers

Then a few months later I became the parent of an adult. (crazy)

I also then had to wave the said adult off as she left for university

It has truly been a crazy year, at times it has felt my feet have barely touched the ground.

We are still fostering a handsome young man with special needs and he is certainly keeping us on our toes.

Livvy’s Smile is doing well, we have held some fantastic memory making days and been busy fundraising. We have also had our story featured in a weekly woman’s magazine.

Personally I have had my writing published in a book and also walked the catwalk as a plus size model.

It’s honestly been a go go year.

As I wave 2014 goodbye I do so with two emotions.

Pride and exhaustion.

Proud of all we have achieved.

Exhausted, well simply by achieving all we have achieved.

I am super excited for 2015 though.

I have so many hopes for this forthcoming year.

In September I start at university, this is something I have dreamed of for such a long time and I cannot tell you how excited I am.

I’m also modelling again at Style XL and have a couple of photo shoots already lined up.

We may be adding another foster child to our family, and the girls are still trying hard to drive me completely insane.

So yes 2015 I am looking forward to you.

But while I am not making any new year resolutions I am making myself some promises.

Firstly I’m going to learn how to take time for myself.

Allowing myself space to breath, stop feeling guilty about wanting time out.

Also working on my health and fitness, continue with my swimming and working on my diet, as in healthy food not weight loss (not that I wouldn’t mind shifting a pound or twenty). I’m also going to try and stop stressing about things i cannot change and stop letting others have power over me. Anxiety has had me for the last 38 years, no more.

Secondly I’m going to work harder on my marriage.

It’s so easy after 19 years of being with the same man to take him for granted. To take each other for granted. I want to work on cherishing each other, spending quality time together and having fun. Reminding my husband that I still love every inch of him and that i find him sexier now than ever.

Thirdly Im going to work on believing in myself more.

For too long I have let myself down, rejected compliments or turned away opportunities because I didn’t believe I could do them.

This next year is going to be different.

I am a bright, intelligent woman and I am going to embrace all that I am. Negativity and self disbelief can stay in 2014 where it belongs.

This woman is going places.

Fourthly I’m going to have fun and make more memories.

This year I want to be more spontaneous and just enjoy the moment.

Let go and just take each day as it comes.

Play more with the kids and generally try not to stress as much as I do.

So there you go, my 2015 promises to myself.

Still before this year comes to an end i want to thank all my readers for the support that they have given me.

Blogging has afforded me many opportunities but the greatest of all these has been the people I have connected with in real life and here in the virtual world.

Your comments, emails, tweets have all lifted me when I was low.

Inspired me when I was lost and loved me when I was lonely.

I started blogging in 2008 for different reasons than I write now, but as always in 2015 this blog will be my heart.

What you read is simply who I am.

Heart on my sleeve

Words on the page.

So with that I would like to say…….

My word for 2014

On January 2, 2014 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

As per the last few years I have decided to choose a word then represents all I wish to be this new year.

So for 2014 my word is

I am so tired of being afraid. I struggle with so many fears and they are slowly driving me insane or as I’m sure my loved ones would say have already drove me insane.

No more

This year I am going to be BRAVE

Brave in friendship

Reaching out the hand of friendship. Building friendships old and new and allowing myself to let down my guard.

Brave for family life.

Spending quality time making memories rather than getting bogged down in other things.

Brave in my career

I am determined to push myself both in fostering and my writing and to achieve greater things with them.

Brave (and determined) to build up Livvy’s Smile

Raising more money and awareness so that we can make more memories, create more smiles and also support the causes that are dear to our hearts.

Brave in my studying

Putting the time in to get the qualifications I desire. To eventually get the career I dream of.

Brave in letting go of the past.

Leaving the past where it belongs and concentrating on building a future for my family and I. To stop allowing myself to be hurt all over again.

Brave facing my health fears.

Seeing the specialists, working on my fitness and general improving my health.

So there you go a few of the ways I wish to be Brave this year.

So this is my word for the coming year.

What’s yours?

New Year honours for a man who gave hope,

On January 1, 2014 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I don’t normally get excited about the News Years honours and to be honest I was a little disappointed when David Beckham didn’t get one. So imagine my joy when I heard the news that Dr Adrian Bird had been awarded a Knighthood.

As I may have mentioned before Dr Adrian Bird is my real life hero. His dedication and discoveries in Rett syndrome research has brought hope into the lives of many.

This knighthood is in my opinion probably the most ever deserved but of course I am super bias.

I was gutted earlier this year when he wasn’t awarded the Nobel prize so I am elated to find that he has been recognised in this way.

So is it Sir Adrian Bird

Sir Doctor Adrian Bird

Or maybe

Dr Adrian Bird KT

Whichever I am super excited for him and his family.

A great start to a new year and let’s hope it’s also the beginning of an exciting year for Rett syndrome research.

2014 I’m coming for you.

On December 28, 2013 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, Uncategorized1 Comment

After hearing the news of the passing of one not much older than me. I have reached a realisation.

Life is way to short.

I have been letting the ones who have walked away from me have too much of my headspace and allowing them to cause me heartache.

Not anymore

I am going to cherish those that walk alongside me. My pretty awesome husband Alan and my beautiful children. My fantastic dad and stepmom who are always there for me and of course my amazing friends.

I have had old friends come back into my life which I am so grateful for. People who I have missed dearly.

I have made new friends that now feel like they have been in my life forever.

I have a new church family and a place where my husband has found his faith, which I am so very blessed by.

I have been welcomed into a new community of plus size bloggers who have shown me that I am beautiful whatever my size. They have given me confidence I have never had.

I have friends that have stood by me for many years. Being a light in the darkness. Special needs parents, grieving parents all have walked along side me.

I am truly blessed.

2014 is going to be my year of moving forward.