This is not his story.

Daniel has been adopted now for over a year and because of this it was time for the social workers to step out of our lives and allow us to move forward as a normal family. Part of the adoption support was the creation of a life-story book for Daniel and what they call a later in life letter, a synopsis of what had happened and how he became to be adopted. These letters are the child’s right to know their history to be given to them when they are at an age of understanding.

Daniel’s letter broke my heart, I thought I knew most of Daniel’s journey, but I hadn’t a clue. I knew he had faced numerous medical procedures but 26 operations before his 2ndbirthday, well that simply sucks. The number of foster placements he had and the amount of time he spent in hospital all more than one child should ever have had to face. The pain and the fear he must have felt is something I have really struggled with over the last week or so.

Livvy faced a lot in her life, regression, seizures, breathing issues and more but throughout all this she knew we were there for her, knew how much she was loved. Livvy understood that we were walking alongside her and that she didn’t have to face anything alone. It’s this I am struggling with for Daniel, how alone did he feel?

My faith is my strength but for the last two weeks I have been so angry at God and at the world.

It’s a strange situation I have found myself to be in, everything has really got to me and I have found myself raging over the stupidest of things. I was angry at Alan for being seemingly ok over this new found knowledge, angry at family members for not grasping how hard this is, not wanting to acknowledge what he had faced and even angry at complete strangers who would moan of the simplest of things, wanting to scream “What the heck, try living his life for a moment”.

Being angry at God is something I struggle with, it just feels wrong, yet I was so, so very furious at him.

If we were to be part of Daniel’s future, why the heck couldn’t he have gotten him to us earlier?

Why so many operations?

Why so much pain?

Why so much fear?

 

Yesterday I was sitting in church listening to the worship when the words being sung finally started to sink into my soul and I realised that ;

Daniel was never abandoned by God,

God never left him.

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Right there in those numerous operating rooms God was with him, as he fought against the brain bleeds and the meningitis God was with him, and when professionals were making decisions for his future, God was with them.

Daniel was never alone.

Daniel was never on his own.

When we received the call asking us to have a fostering placement for a weekend God was with us. He was in the Yes that I found myself saying, he was the one that placed adoption on my heart so many years ago ready for Daniel.

I still don’t understand why Daniel has had to face so much, just like I will never understand why I had to lose Livvy, but I do know without a shadow of a doubt that God is with us always.

As the words of the worship began to soothe my heart I realised I was free from the anger that was consuming me. Free from the what if’s and free from the past I couldn’t change.

I was overwhelmed by how much God loves Daniel and me. How blessed I am that however hard Daniel’s journey has been we are so very blessed to have found each other.

I don’t have all the answers but that’s ok, I have faith and God’s promise.

I actually shared this at church yesterday, something which scared me like crazy, but I am so glad I did, because Daniel’s story and my story of fear and anger actually spoke to a number of people and they shared their journeys with me. Their sharing allowed me to realise that whilst I don’t believe things have to happen for a reason, beauty can be found in ashes. How many of us have felt completely alone and so far from God? It’s hard in the midst of pain to remember the promise that we are never alone.  

Daniels past is not all of his story.

Every day is a new page yet to be written and I am so lucky I get to be part of his story.

I get to see all that God has planned for Daniel, the hearts he will fill, the spirits he will move and the smiles he will bring.

My boy will change the world.

I’m so thankful I get to be his Mom and I’m so excited for his next chapter.

Let’s get writing

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I’m ok 

Sometimes I wonder if I really should say how I feel? 

Do I upset others?

Should I pretend 

Thursday was epilepsy awareness day and I posted this photo. 

  

Everyone was so sweet and understanding but worried for me.

I hate that people worry about me.

You see I’m ok, 

I am broken and grieving but I’m ok.

I know that I have so much to celebrate every morning when I awake. 

My beautiful girls 

My adorable foster son 

My annoying husband 

I am so much to be grateful for.

I got to be Livvy’s mom, no I am Livvy’s mom. 

For nine and a half years I got to hold this sweet girl in my arms. I had the opportunity to grow and learn and change.

I believe that we all have a purpose in life and I know Livvys was to educate me on what really matters. 

The moments, those special moments that cannot be brought they are simply priceless. 

Livvy taught me to be strong, to use my voice for those who cannot speak. To fight for the rights of those that society chooses to ignore. To look beyond the normal and celebrate diversity as the gift it truly is.

Livvy awoke a soul that was in hiding. In her journey I found my own.

Yes Thursday was a hard day. One where grief sucker punched me hard. The images, infographics about epilepsy took me back to a time when my heart was breaking.

Livvy suffered from severe epilepsy, some days the seizures never slowed down. Endless medications, needles , drips to find her peace. 

These memories flooded my mind. They crushed my chest until I couldn’t breathe.

But I’m ok because no matter the darkness of grief the light will always shine through. 

Always 

People are like stained – glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Always

I am a mom that had to bury a child.

Yes I am that mom.

But I’m also a mom who was so very blessed.

I thank God every day that I got to be Olivia’s mom.

That I got to walk her journey with her.

Caring for this beautiful girl changed my life.

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I learned so much.

I learned about true love.

 

It’s not easy losing a child.

Wow what an understatement.

It’s so not easy 

I always will have a part of me missing.

Yet I would do it all again.

It a heartbeat.

 

Walk those hospital corridors

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Wait those endless hours for appointments

Fill those never ending prescriptions.

 

When you become a mother you take on many roles.

Carer,

Protector,

Teacher

 

When you have a special needs child these roles extend

 

Nurse,

Chemist,

Advocate

Fighter 

 

At times it feels like each day holds a new battle.

And yes we do get battle weary

But our children are always worth the fight.

always

Simply unforgettable

She cried herself to sleep in my arms.

She had a dream or maybe a nightmare?

She was surrounded by people she knew, people she loved but they didn’t remember.

She was asking questions that they had no answers for.

Sharing memories that they couldn’t recall.

She cried so hard, fear tugging at her soul.

Struggling to breathe through the sobs.

Hiccuping, coughing, nose running.

My sleeve felt wet as she snuggled her head into my arms.

I could feel the heaviness of her chest as it lay on mine.

“They have forgotten her mom”she cried.

“She’s gone” “disappeared “.

“How could they? ”

“why would they”?

I hold her tight my tears dropping softly on her head.

How do I find the words?

How can I make this right?

Her fear, her nightmare is the inner demon I fight every day.

“Please Lord don’t let her be forgotten”.

We hold each other close like we are the strength we need to stay all together.

Mother and daughter a bond like no other.

We whisper promises to heaven.

Words of memories.

We will never forget.

The bond of a mother daughter

The kinship of sisters.

It’s eternal

We won’t forget.

She is in every breathe I take.

In every beat of my heart.

We won’t forget.

Because simply

Livvy is unforgettable.

Desperate – Sarah Mae, Sally Clarkson – Booksneeze

When the blurb on the book starts with the words “I just cant be a mother today” I knew i needed to read this book and guess what, I was right.

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To be honest I have admired the writings of Sarah Mae for a while now, her story at times has been mine and so in her words i often find my heart. So I wasn’t surprised by how great this book is yet not knowing that much about Sally Clarkson i feel that i have been doubly blessed.

 

This is a book that allows you to be honest in a raw here I am way. Its written in a way that not only encourages you to be transparent but comforts you as you do so.

 

It isn’t a parenting to do book but a book that holds you in a way that restores your heart.

 

The first chapter of this book left me in tears, Sarah Mae’s words are so close to my heart that my restraint just fell away. She understands, she knows, she has lived and her honesty about it is so refreshing.

 

Sally Clarkson is the woman we all wish we had in our life, she doesn’t pretend to have all the answers but will love you as you find them. Her wisdom, her guidance is something I wish all new mothers and older mothers like myself wish they had given to them with their pre-natal vitamins.

 

I’ve raised four children and at one time had four under five and I’ve been there knee deep in nappies and baby-grows. I’ve also tried and failed to live the life of a perfect mother. This book shows us why, simply there is no such thing as a perfect mother, just a mom who is perfect right there as she is trying her best to raise her children in a home full of love and laughter.

 

Expectations are the words of the enemy when they cause us to grieve if we cannot reach them. The whisperings in your ears that you aren’t good enough is the voice of the enemy. Ignore them and read this book.

 

So many books have been written about parenting that after you have read them you are left feeling dismayed and not good enough.That method that should work doesn’t for your child.

 

This isn’t a fault not everything works for every child.

 

The simple truth is you know your child, your know what works in your life.

 

The videos that come alongside at the end of the chapters are such a welcome, as you get to see the respect between Sarah and Sally. To hear them remind you of the chapter and also reiterate that you are loved.

 

The exercises aren’t hard or hard work but really do help you focus and plan.

 

Desperate is a parenting book like no other, it is the best friend who calls you to remind you that you are doing an awesome job.

 

Its the wisdom that guides but not dictates.

 

Its a blessing

 

This is seriously a beautiful book, written by two beautiful people.

 

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I don’t care what people say.

I don’t care what people say it doesn’t get easier. Time doesn’t heal. The pain doesn’t lessen. The only thing that changes is the way you cope with the anguish.

You train your mind to move elsewhere have an arsenal of thoughts, ideas to distract you from the deep burning ache within your soul. The tear across your heart that hurts so bad.

Just tonight I found myself chancing across a photo
I hadn’t seen for a while and my heart broke again into a million pieces.

Its strange that only earlier today i was talking about the need to keep my mind occupied that any down time leaves space for the memories to come flooding in. The fact is I don’t need space, my daughter is in every thought,every breath I take.

In a few hours I will take flowers to her grave. I will stand there feeling empty and broken. The flowers are all that I can do, keeping her resting place pretty. I don’t believe she is there anymore yet I need it to be pretty.

Then on Sunday I will pack for my holiday still feeling the emptiness of her missing. Going through the motions knowing that nothing will ever be complete again. Nothing is how it truly should be.

I don’t live it the past, as I’ve said before that wouldn’t be fair on my other girls. What I will say is I live in the now, in the future aware a piece of me is missing.

Somedays I pretend. I convince myself she is at school. It’s easier when the girls aren’t with me but when we are all together the pretence doesn’t hold.

I sound depressing don’t I. I really don’t mean to. I’m not this way. It’s just those moments when my resolve crumbles and I break. I’m angry at the world and life is pretty dim. I let the tears fall and the grief loose out of soul. Then ten maybe twenty minutes later before the girls see my tears I pull myself together and carry on. What choice do I have really.

I’ve said before I still find it hard to believe that your heart can break but your body carries on. At times against your will.

So this post has been written in one of those broken ten minutes. The tears are falling and my heart is aching. Soon it will be time for me to pull myself together but as the girls are safely tucked away in bed. I may just let myself be for a while. Drop the act, scream at God and just generally grieve for my beautiful daughter Livvy who left to soon.

For those who say time heals that’s the biggest lie. Time just means more time without the one you love.

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