Tag: mom

So what it’s the weekend

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Seriously it’s official if I see one more TFIF status today I may just lose it. 

So what it’s Friday that doesn’t automatically mean that tomorrow I get to do nothing. No tomorrow I will still have to get up to do medications and nappy changes. My back will still ache from lifting and if we follow on from our current evening schedule I will also still be sleep deprived. 


Oh it’s the weekend so that means my big boy is off and that brings me the joy of chasing him around and saying “please leave alone” every second for two days. 

All joking aside, ok moaning aside I do appreciate the end of a normal working week and that for many tomorrow and Sunday are days of relaxation but seriously stop rubbing it in. 

Please think of us exhausted parents those like me to who the weekend is just another day. In fact the weekend is actually a little harder as school does give me a little respite. 

I absolutely love my life and fostering a child with special needs is a great job but the reality of it is that it is 24hr, 7 days and week and 365 of the year. Being a mom of a complex needs child means exactly the same. So as a mom and foster mom of both I may be slightly shattered. Though as we enter the weekend of Mother’s Day I am so thankful for my boys. It just means at times I just have the urge to strangle those who write TFIF. 

How could I have forgotten? 

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Yesterday the world just didn’t make sense. My heart and my head just couldn’t stay on the same page. I screamed, I cried. I was angry, I was sad and for a while I didn’t know why. 

Why was this day so hard? 

Then I caught the date on my phone December 3rd, 

December 3rd 

As I read that number it hid home with a gigantic bang.

How could I have not realised, how could I have not remembered? 

What kind of mother am I ?

Forgetting the day I buried my daughter. 

If I close my eyes I can recall that December day. It was cold but yet the sun lite up the winter sky, warm rays dancing on the icy floor. 

Frost sparkling like a carpet of diamonds fit for a princess, my princess. 

You know It’s not in any parenting books, or  on any websites. There are no handbooks on how to bury your child.

You wander through it all in daze, making decisions you have no desire to make. The colour of the casket, the silk that lines it. What does she wear? Oh the irony of it all, does it actually really matter? 

Yet matter it did, from the brand new cardigan that Nanna travelled to fetch to the choosing of her special toys, it all mattered, it mattered desperately.

I wanted it perfect, I needed it to be perfect.

It was all I could do, all I had left to do. 

I don’t really remember the words that was spoken or even the memories we shared.

All I really remember is the weight, the weight that consumed me, my feet feeling lead lined not wanting to move. To leave, to leave my beautiful girl behind. 

I kept on at myself “she isn’t there” “she has already gone”. Yet in that casket laid my last physical connection with my daughter and everyone is telling me I have to move, I have to leave. 

I held on tight to my youngest hands as I left that chapel, scared to let her or her sisters out of my sight. Wanting to hold on tight to them and never ever let go. 

I was empty, I was lost. 

Walking through the pleasantries, shared moments, warm hugs. 

Yet nothing was ever going to be the same again. 

I would never be whole again. 

I left part of my heart behind in December 3rd 2008 and whilst the brokenness has started to heal I will also have a missing piece. 

A beautiful blond wild haired missing piece. 

My girl, my Livvy,

Forever in my heart, forever my daughter. 

Handmade in my heart.

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It’s amazing how having a baby changes your life, in all areas, in everything.

The last few months have been a shock to the system. I miss my sleep. I miss eating my dinner in one go and I really miss drinking my tea hot.

Yet all these changes are so worth it when the little one looks up at me and smiles.

How is it possible to feel so much love in such a short time?

I am smitten.

My heart was in need of baby snuggles.

My arms in need of baby cuddles.

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Our house has been turned upside down and it’s amazing. My girls are the most incredible big sisters I could ask for, from changing bums to just giving my arms a break they have been so wonderful.

Open arms, open hearts.

I cannot believe how something so tiny can make such big changes.

Even today I found myself buying some new clothes not only wondering about style and fit but also if they are baby proof or will hide baby dribble well.

I also cannot believe how vast the world of baby stuff has become, from food to clothes to equipment the baby market has gone wild and I am loving it. There is so many things that I just want to get him, my husband is already fed up of hearing the words of “he would look so cute” or “he so needs this”.

Yet still I love things that are handmade, items created just for your little one. They just seem that little more special and nothing is more special than this beautiful star blanket crafted by the wonderful Naomi at Mama Naii’s.

 

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I actually saw a photo of one she had made previously and just fell in love and knew little man needed one. So after chatting about colours and size we soon became the proud owner of this wonderful blanket and this adorable Gerald giraffe. I wish I could show how much he loves it. Watching him hold on tight to the giraffe is so cute and seeing him cuddled up tight in his blanket is priceless.

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Naomi crafts some truly beautiful things and is always willing to chat about what exactly it is you want. I already have my second order in and I’m planning my third too.

So if you are like me and feeling blessed to have a little one in your life maybe take a visit to Mama’s Naii’s Facebook page, or Instagram page and have a look for yourself. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

Thank you for making me a mom.

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I remember the days when your hands fitted in mine. When your legs would wrap around me as I lifted you in my arms. Holding on to mommy, never letting go. 

The evenings we spend reading, each one of you slowly working the words out until letters became sentences, lines became paragraphs. Each growing and learning in your own unique wonderful way. 

I remember our random danceathons or when you all decided to play make up. 

I so remember your siblings arguments it was also someone’s else’s fault. You all raged against each other promising never to speak again only moments later you filled the house with laughter and each other’s arms with cuddles. 

I remember your kindness the way you all cared for your sister. Nothing was to much, holding her hand when she was seizuring to endless hours at her hospital bed. 

I remember your heartache, your brokenness at her loss. 

I truly remember your bravery each one of you choosing to reach out and love on others when it would have been so easier to stay closed and safe.

I remember how amazing my girls are. 

I know how incredible my girls are. 

I remember how blessed I felt when each one of you were born and I know how blessed I am today.

My girls you aren’t babies anymore, you are strong incredible beautiful women.

  
I am so proud of all that you have become and so excited for what the future holds for you all. 
I admire your strengths, your individuality.

All moving forward in your own direction, finding yourselves in this crazy world.

You are my heart, my greatest achievement. 

Kennedy, Eden, Brodie never forget how much I love you.

Olivia you are the missing piece of my heart. One day we will be together again.

To my beautiful incredible boys, you may not have been born from my body but you were certainly born in my heart. Thank you for allowing me to love you. 

Mother’s Day is special we celebrate our moms and all they do. 

I want to celebrate those that made me complete. 

Made me a mother.

My beautiful children. 

Sending the kids to the circus 

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Ok I’m fuming right now, last night on my Facebook page I shared this 
  
Photo Credit : Sue Fitzmaurice 

About 30 minutes after I posted I received an email telling me I should be ashamed. It seems that after losing a child I should never wish any harm to my others. I should know how special they are.

Now as you can see from the picture I didn’t wish any harm to my kids and maybe they may have enjoyed the circus.

But really !!!

I love my children with all my heart but I’m being totally honest when I say at times they completely drive me mad. 

As for saying I should know better, what the f*ck.

Livvy didn’t die because I threatened to send her off to the circus. She died because of a shitty neurological disorder named Rett Syndrome. 

As for my other three girls I am parenting them the way I feel best. At times like most moms I feel like I’ve messed up. I shout, scream and often lose my patience. 

Losing Livvy didn’t turn me into the perfect parent.

In fact what it did teach me was that I had to treat my girls like normal. I couldn’t wrap them In cotton wool and be scared of anything happening to them. It wasn’t easy the loss of a child does make you over protective and frightened of everything. But raising them in a bubble wouldn’t be fair to them. 

They have a life to live to the full. The whole world to explore, people to meet, memories to make.

And right now if that means a trip with the circus, so be it. 😜

I’m ok 

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Sometimes I wonder if I really should say how I feel? 

Do I upset others?

Should I pretend 

Thursday was epilepsy awareness day and I posted this photo. 

  

Everyone was so sweet and understanding but worried for me.

I hate that people worry about me.

You see I’m ok, 

I am broken and grieving but I’m ok.

I know that I have so much to celebrate every morning when I awake. 

My beautiful girls 

My adorable foster son 

My annoying husband 

I am so much to be grateful for.

I got to be Livvy’s mom, no I am Livvy’s mom. 

For nine and a half years I got to hold this sweet girl in my arms. I had the opportunity to grow and learn and change.

I believe that we all have a purpose in life and I know Livvys was to educate me on what really matters. 

The moments, those special moments that cannot be brought they are simply priceless. 

Livvy taught me to be strong, to use my voice for those who cannot speak. To fight for the rights of those that society chooses to ignore. To look beyond the normal and celebrate diversity as the gift it truly is.

Livvy awoke a soul that was in hiding. In her journey I found my own.

Yes Thursday was a hard day. One where grief sucker punched me hard. The images, infographics about epilepsy took me back to a time when my heart was breaking.

Livvy suffered from severe epilepsy, some days the seizures never slowed down. Endless medications, needles , drips to find her peace. 

These memories flooded my mind. They crushed my chest until I couldn’t breathe.

But I’m ok because no matter the darkness of grief the light will always shine through. 

Always 

People are like stained – glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

My greatest prizes

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Like most parents I celebrate the awards and achievements my children have earned from star reader to huggable hero I am proud of all of them. Yet when my child is celebrated for her kindness and compassion my heart fills that little bit more.

Kindness and empathy are two of the greatest qualities I hope for my girls. That they to look beyond themselves and to care and love upon others. 

My girls life experiences have led them to many opportunities to do just this and I am proud to say that they have never let me down they have always shown compassion even when they haven’t really wanted to.

So yes this last Friday night found me bursting with pride when my youngest  daughter  Brodie  was announced as a winner of a Mayor Civic Award.  

As we sat there in the Town hall hearing stories of incredible achievements from amazing people we honestly was just  happy to be there. My daughter in fact was surprised to even be considered against some of these inspiring people. So imagine her shock when she was named overall winner of her category. I wished I had my camera as she asked “did they really call my name”.

  

The evening was truly special good food, great company and this award was lovely but my biggest prize came in the journey home when my daughter turned to me and said “this award is lovely mom but getting to be Livvy’s sister is the biggest prize  ever”. 

Livvy is and always will be our inspiration but as a mom I know I have been blessed not only to be Livvys mom but to also call her sisters Kennedy, Eden and  Brodie “my daughters ”  they are all my prizes 

A mom or a referee?

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Sometimes I feel less like a mother and more like a referee.

Always negotiating, enforcing rules.

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Image courtesy of vectorolie / FreeDigitalPhotos.net 

Everyone warned me that it could be like this but I never expected a war zone to be found in my living room.

I love my girls and while I accept that growing up and finding their freedom is part of life’s journey. I’m not happy that they have decided each day is an opportunity for a battle.

How can they go from being best friends to worst enemies?

Seriously it’s driving me mad.

I am proud I have raised such independent spirited young woman but hey please let them take on the world and leave their poor mama alone.

I am tired and emotionally shattered with this parenting stage.

Reminiscing and yearning for the days of night feeds and dirty nappies. I may have been exhausted back then but at least they didn’t answer back so much.

I know its a stage that all go through and one day my beautiful kind caring girls will return and the dragon headed all knowing beautiful monsters will disappear but its so not easy.

Image courtesy of AKARAKINGDOMS / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Image courtesy of AKARAKINGDOMS / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I recognise this year is going to one of big changes, university, college it certainly is  going to bring a new dynamic to the relationships of the girls.

A new dimension in their sisterhood.

I’m praying a little space will make hearts grow fonder.

Who knows?

I guess until then I will resign myself to the role of mediator for a little longer.

So does anyone have a whistle?

 

Messy

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Oh I had this image of the mama I wanted to be.

The clean house, cake making, hug giving kind of mama.

My children were going to grow up safe, secure ready to take on the world.

I didn’t prepare for disability

I didn’t prepare for loss.

I didn’t prepare for life.

How can I expect them to be ok?

Who is actually ever ok?

Does ok really exist?

We are a world full of rising mental health issues.

Where are we going wrong?

 

Perfection

perfect

This is what the media wants us all to believe. 

You have to be perfect.

From the perfect new born mother with linen wipes and organic baby food.

To the teenager starving to fit in the new fashions,

We cannot be perfect

No one can

But that does not stop the world trying make us believe otherwise.

 

I am a messy mother.

I mess up.

I shout, I scream, I forget to wash sports kit or sign permission slips.

I lose my patience when I’m tired and crave some peace and quiet.

 

My husband is a messy father

He forgets to listen properly and is surprised when they kick off.

He laughs at boy troubles not in mirth but in ignorance.

Scared that they are growing up.

 

Then my girls 

They are the most perfect imperfect children alive and i love them for it.

From the stroppy tantrums to the banging of the doors.

From the constant arguing to the solitary against the parents.

The demanding of attention to the leave me alone moods.

They are messy

and thats perfectly ok.

 

Life is a constant lesson

Each day brings with it a new piece of knowledge and new understanding.

Yet how can you learn if you know everything?

How can you form if you are already perfect?

It’s time we ignored who others wish us to be.

Turn off the televisions and leave the magazines on the shelves.

Lets grow into who we wish to be not what is expected by others.

Let us all be beautifully imperfect 

Lets all be messy

 

 

Fifteen

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Fifteen

What !

How in the world would you be fifteen?

Time is flying away from me at such a rate.

I want to press stop and then rewind.

I’m trying hard to imagine you as a 15 year old.

I think you would give your sisters a run for their money in the stroppy teens department.

What kind of clothes would you wear?

Would your hair be as wild?

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So many questions that will never get an answer.

I want to say it’s unfair.

Stamp my feet in a rage.

But it’s gets me nowhere.

It’s doesn’t bring you back.

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So I’m going to honour you my sweet beautiful girl.

I’m going to do as you did everyday.

Be strong

Be brave

And smile.

I going to host a party in your name.

Invite your friends old and new.

We shall laugh

We shall cry

There shall be fun

and there will be joy.

Memories made and cake eaten.

Just as you would have wanted.

In honour of your birthday

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In memory of you

My beautiful Olivia

Happy 15th Birthday Livvy xx</strong<

We Love you sweet girl

To the moon, stars and back xxxx

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