I married the Mr Men

I could have lost it right there and then.

He was asking me the same question he had asked only moments ago.

Doesn’t he realise how busy I am?

How much I have to do?

Can he not see I’m drowning?

No he wants to weigh me down to the bottom.

Marriage 

It’s not easy.

I’m tired of seeing photos of happy couples.

The perfect moment.

The romantic gestures

The whispered sweet nothings.

I get the Mr Men

Mr forgetful

Mr Grumpy 

And lets not forget

Mr Sleepy

mr men

Marriage that wonderful thing you enter in with dreams and hopes.

Then you realise it takes work.

Hard work. 

 

[Tweet ““A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” -Dave Meurer “]

 

My husband drives me insane.

He forgets so many things and goes off target at all times.

Yet he leaves me sleeping and gets the children to school. 

He falls asleep in company or totally misses the point.

Yet he cleans my kitchen so I can bake.

[Tweet “Marriage is two people living as one. “]

Two different hearts, dreams and inspirations.

It’s far from easy but it’s worth it.

It’s not about those picture perfect moments (though they would be nice now and again).

It’s about the one who sends you to bed when you feel ill.

The one who stays so strong when you fall apart.

It’s not about grand gestures.

It’s about the one who brings you coffee when you are buried deep In a assignment.

The one who paints the living room before your ladies event.

[Tweet “The one who believes in you when you don’t believe in yourself.”]

 

I am far from the perfect wife.

He is not the perfect husband

[Tweet “But we are the perfect pair.”]

[Tweet ““Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” -Franklin P. Jones “]

 

 

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Behind closed doors

I’ve been thinking recently about who we really know in our lives.

Are we sure we are seeing the real person?

Ask yourself the question

Who do you really know?

I imagine that the number is quite small.

Often you find that the public persona is not really the truth.

How many times have we be surprised by news headlines. Learning that a person we believed to be kind, great and fantastic is in fact a cruel hard abuser.

Pop starts we have worshipped being truly sick individuals.

Who we see is not always who we really are?

The mom at the school playground full of smiles and laughter goes home crying suffering from depression.

The wife who seems so happy and in love is actually a victim of spousal abuse.

We really don’t know what happens behind closed doors.

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I asked myself the question.

Who do people see when they see me?

My answer

I’m not sure.

I am a person who wears her heart on her sleeve. I am known to tell you my life’s story in the first five minutes of meeting.

But do I really share my all?

Do I confess that at times I feel like a complete failure. Motherhood is harder than I ever imagined and as much as I love it I desperately crave a break now and again.

Do I tell you the man that I married drives me insane with his RC obsession and that I’m tired of hearing lap times or speed controller turns and seriously if he forgets something once more I may go slightly insane.

Do I mention that friendship scares the pants of me. That I am convinced I will screw it up and that generally I’m not very likeable.

The truth is we all have hidden sides parts that lurk in the shadows. Yet those hidden sides effect our lives more than we realise.

Maybe it’s time we brought them
Into the light.

Building relationships that are true.

Letting people see who we really are.

I honestly believe this is the key to happiness. When you surround yourself with people who really know you it allows you to be.

To feel

To live.

So I’m saying this is me, I am mixed up lady and that is perfectly ok.

I’m tired of living behind closed doors.

Life is such a gift and I want to live it fully.

So join me open those doors swing open those windows and let’s embrace we are truly are.

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Build true relationships that are transparent.

And in our transparently let us find fulfilment.

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Belong

Sometimes I wonder about life, about the connections we are all supposed to make to survive.

Friendship, marriage and so much more.

 

I have these connections but somehow i find myself wondering of the truth of them all.

 

For so long I have wanted to be part of something.

 

Something so much more than just me.

 

A group, a set , a club

 

Yet the baggage of childhood holds me back.

 

You cannot belong

 

You aren’t good enough

 

They will see the real you.

 

Should that feel wrong “seeing the real me”

 

Would that be so horrible ?

 

Is who I am so terrible ?

 

This is a journey that at times feels like there is no end.

 

I am tired of being on the outskirts I want to enter in.

 

But fear holds me back

 

I’m so scared of rejection.

 

I guess the real question is this

 

Is my desire to belong greater than my fear.

 

I pray so

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Is ok to feel this way?

I’ve had a really strange week, my emotions have been on a journey full of confusion and guilt.

Yes I’ve been feeling guilty.

Guilty for not feeling fulfilled.

That this life just isn’t enough.

That I want more.

I know that I have four amazing children and a great job as a foster mom and I cannot say for a moment that I don’t love being a mom but at times it’s not enough.

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I also know I have a marriage that is so blessed and 18 years on we are still happy.

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Yet it isn’t enough.

Is it wrong to want more?

Maybe it’s just pre- birthday blues, I don’t know. Yet as I turn 37 tomorrow I am feeling lost and unfulfilled?

Is it ok to feel this way?

Or should being a mother and wife be enough?

Is it wrong to want more?

To want something that’s mine?

When I was younger I used to spend afternoons reading and chatting with my grandad and he always told me to never settle for just enough, always reach for your dreams.

Those afternoons I spend dreaming of my future. The dreams I held.

To write a book.

To stop poverty.

To change the world.

I guess I was an idealistic kid, and slowly my naivety disappeared. But deep down inside of me a little of those dreams still hold on.

Being a mom, being a wife they are all such gifts which I hold dear but it’s as if they are pieces of an unfinished puzzle.

I’m searching for that missing piece that will make me complete. Make me whole.

I’m searching.

I want more.

Is it ok to say that ?

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It doesn’t have to be inevitable

The other night I sat and watched the film “Rabbit Hole” starring Nicole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart. I wasn’t too sure why I wanted to watch a film dealing with the emotions around the loss of a child. To be honest its a little to close to home. I guess it was just curiosity, wondering how others had faced the heartbreak, coped with the pain. (yes i know its just a film).

The film was extremely well acted and at times I found myself walking through the emotions with the cast.

The desire to change everything.

The need for space.

The anger,

the raw unadulterated anger.

The emptiness inside.

“The only way out is through

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There is a moment in the film when in a bereavement support group another parent speaks about the separation of her marriage and that it was “Inevitable”. The grief books often state that “many or most marriages cannot survive the death of a child”.

This statement didn’t surprise me, all the research I had done all the self help books I had read all say the same thing.

It’s inevitable.

Grief is such a individual journey, everyone travels the road in different ways and at different times. Even when you lose the child together your grief is unique to you.

I experienced this in my own marriage,my husband deals with things quietly and internally. This at times has left me feeling alone and rejected, not the way he ever meant for me to feel. But the way it did, alone and hurting.

Exhaustion also is such a big part in all, the weight of the pain can be so heavy that even getting out of bed requires effort. Let alone finding the energy to be there for others.

Circumstances too play a major role, many times bereaved parents find themselves having to go back into work not long after their loss to an environment that requires them to be a professional not a grieving mother or father.

Its not easy and I know that, even now four years into this journey it still isn’t easy.

I also know I am one of the lucky ones, I had a husband who tried so hard to make it as right as it could be. Tried to understand, showed me compassion without no bounds even when he was struggling too. He sat and listened as I tried to digest the reality of our loss. Held me tight when the reality finally hit home and my heart shattered into millions of pieces.

He held me then.

He holds me now.

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Marriage is hard and it requires more work than you possibly could imagine. It didn’t come with instructions. So when a marriage faces such a loss and the two people in the union suffer the utmost heartbreak its hard to keep it together. It is simply easier to walk your grief journey alone. It may seem selfish but its about survival.

We struggled, we still struggle. There is a hole in each of our hearts that can never be filled. We lost our beautiful daughter and nothing can fix that.

Yet as the catchline off the film states “The only way out is through “.

In life we all face things we never could of imagined, pain we don’t think we can survive. Whatever, whenever situations arise the truth is simply “The only way out is through ”
You cannot hide, you cannot go around it. Believe me I’ve tried.

Through it is the only way.

For my marriage talking was our saviour,

Ephesians 4.26 “do not let the sun go down on your anger,” became our daily scripture.

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There were so many times I was angry at my husband and he was angry at me and we were both so angry at the world. But we worked hard to communicate. Worked hard to cherish each other.

We had lost so much, losing each other wasn’t an option.

Separation doesn’t have to be inevitable.

With love xxx

Today is the day when the world gets filled with love. We bring gifts to the one we love, we remind them how much we love and cherish them.

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My heart is with my husband today and everyday.

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Love isn’t just for valentines day it’s for eternity.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

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English Standard Version

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Sixteen Years

Today I celebrate 16 years of marriage.

 

16 years ago I married a gorgeous man I get to call mine.

 

Its been a turbulent 16 years, we have experienced incredible highs alongside some devastating lows.

 

Love has been shared with pain

 

Laughter lost to tears.

 

Life has tested us in so many ways, but together we have passed with distinction.

 

When we first met so many people said we wouldn’t last,

 

We are so different,

 

Yet at our core we are so very alike.

 

We love with all our hearts

 

Our children are our world

 

and loyalty has no ends.

 

I know without a doubt how blessed I am to have Alan as my husband.

 

God gave me a great gift in him.

 

I don’t know what the future holds

 

But I do know that Alan and I will face it together.

 

Today, tomorrow, forever

 

Alan I love you.xx