Tag: Loss

Hello 2023

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Hello 2023 I’m not not going to even try and say “Happy new year” because the words get stuck in my throat, I choke on the sentiment of new beginnings, a better time blah blah blah. The date has changed on the calendar and like everyday since April 27th I start it with the pain of missing my boy.

When I lost Livvy in 2008 the turning of the new year destroyed my soul, I truly felt like I was leaving her behind and couldn’t comprehend a year that didn’t have her a part of, memories made that didn’t hold her within. So I guess the irony of losing two children is I now know I’m not leaving Daniel behind in 2022 I’m bringing him with me. Just like Livvy I may have left his physical in 2022 but his spirit, his love, my Daniel will be in everything I do in 2023. Alongside his big sister they get to be my heavenly cheerleaders and my biggest inspiration.

Now don’t get me wrong I am not tying the loss of my beautiful boy in an imaginary bow of “all is good,” far from it. 2022 you have been a hell of a year and losing Daniel well there are no words it’s just wrong and so fucked. He deserved so much more and whilst I will never understand why I had to lose him I will never not be grateful that I got to be his Mama, I am his Mama.

So what’s the plan for 2023, right now I’m just sticking with just survival. I know I have to work on being healthy, not the lose weight, get active healthy (though this wouldn’t hurt) but feeding my body decent fuel, hoping to stop tumbling from one illness to another and just working on caring for myself a little more, “walk the talk” is what a friend reminded me gently this week.

I also need to work on my mental health, getting a later in life ADHD diagnosis came rather as shock to me but it had as allowed me to understand my brain more than ever and this is allowing myself to be more honest with my feelings. I want to continue learning more about myself and my likes and dislikes and to stop trying to play the roles I think others want me to play and find my authenticity. Not going to be easy especially with CPSTD but working with some amazing people has really allowed me to start understanding it’s ok to like what I like and who I am. Like I said it’s a journey and I am definitely still at the beginning.

I start 2023 in a new career, it’s a field I have wanted to work in for, well forever. I didn’t want to have to lose my gorgeous boy to find myself here but maybe he sent me the job from heaven who knows. I’m hoping that I can find my purpose again and make a difference still in the lives of others. I truly believe we aren’t put on this earth for our own gratification but that true joy comes from service and enriching the lives of others. So I’m striving for growth, development and hopefully success in changing lives.

I want to see the world a little more, live in the moment a little more and breathe deeper a whole lot more. For as long as I can remember I’ve lived only shallow breathing scared so much of what could go wrong that I forget to see what could go right. The irony of writing this after losing my beautiful boy isn’t lost on me. But I guess when you are already so broken the only way forward is healing. I don’t believe I could fall any further into the darkness right now so the only way forward is towards the light.

I have no idea if any of this will materialise, I’ve learned that life will be whatever it’s meant to be. All I can promise is I’m going to try to live to honour all my children my earthly and heavenly blessings. To live each day knowing I’ve made them proud and myself too.

Hello 2023, I’m not ready for you but I also know you are coming regardless, so here we go.

As for 2022 “fuck you”.

I stand with nurses

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I try not to comment on political issues anymore mostly because it often brings so much hate and ignorance my way that right now I don’t have the strength to deal with it. Obviously I do things offline to support the causes and movements I believe in, but opening myself up for the keyboard warriors I do tend to avoid.

Yet today I have to speak up, across the country the heart of our NHS system is striking. For too long the nursing community has been treated with such disrespect by our government that it’s heartbreaking but also it’s intolerable.

I like everyone throughout the pandemic stood on my doorway and clapped and banged saucepans to acknowledge the courageous work our NHS staff were doing throughout this incredibly hard time. I watched nurses that I know and love come home broken and exhausted. Blisters on feet, scaring on faces from PPE and isolating themselves from their own families to save others. Yet as the pandemic went on clapping on a Thursday started to leave me with a bitter taste in my mouth. Not because I don’t love and respect those in the NHS but because it felt like a façade. Whilst we the public gave thanks the powers of be were ignoring the cries for a decent quality of living, for protection of those that were caring for us all.

Last year I watched as the clapping and the giving of thanks for the NHS turned to a campaign of blame in the media and public gratefulness turned to public abuse and frustration in A &E ‘s and wards around the country. Also I have personally witnessed this contempt and abusiveness before anyone comes for me.

Being a mom of a complex needs child I have often found myself in the hospital with my late son. I have watched the level of care and compassion given to patients and their families by the nurses. I have seen nurses who are ending a 12 hour shift yet to have a break for a drink or food due to caring for a patient or literally covering the wards. Staff giving up annual leave to cover for sickness and so much more. This wasn’t just in the midst of the pandemic it’s was before and after and is happening right now too.

Something has to change, we cannot keep taking the goodwill of nurses to keep our hospitals running. Quality nurses are leaving the service in droves unable to feed their families on the wages they earn. Having to leave healthcare completely taking their skills and experience with them.

I’m also aware that this is not the only public service that needs investment but right now l can only speak on my personal experience and what I have seen within the NHS.

I stand by everyone of those nurses that strike today. I understand how hard this decision was to make as it goes against all you believe in. Sometimes though you have to make a stand and this is yours. I also know that this isn’t just about the quality of life for yourselves and families, I have watched you as you have cried at the standard of care being given to your patients due to staffing shortages and lack of resources. I have seen you in A & E apologise again and again as you are being abused by those waiting to be seen. I have seen the tears when you didn’t think I could see.

I stand behind you all and hope and pray that your income finally comes some way in par with the service your provide. I stand behind you as you fight to save the NHS from falling further into privatisation oblivion.

I stand beside you because I love and respect each and everyone of you.

Nurses have saved my life, nurses have saved my child’s life. Nurses have become my dearest friends and some incredible nurses have walked beside and held me when my world crashed around me. They have loved me, cried with me and miss my beautiful boy alongside me.

I hope this industrial action will only be needed once. I pray that change happens swiftly.

Please everyone support your nurses today, whatever you feel about delayed appointments, missed treatments these failings do not fall at the feet of our nurses. Please don’t buy into the illusion and before your swallow the rhetoric that we all have to give a bit right now for our countries sake just take a little look at the reality of this. Just look a little closer at whose wages are rising, whose employment benefits are vast and whose expenses are out of control. Believe me it’s not those that are holding the hands of people in pain this evening, it’s not those who are treating your child right now and it’s not those who are the bedrock of our NHS.

I stand with nurses, today and everyday.

Sign today and tell the government that you Stand with nurses too.

https://action.rcn.org.uk/page/113118/petition/1?locale=en-GB

Being thankful

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I know I’m British and Thanksgiving isn’t our holiday but I will always take any opportunity to be thankful because if I’m honest I often find gratitude is one of my tools for survival. By being thankful I get reminded of the joy, not just the heartache. It’s easy to focus on the brutal and forget the beautiful. So today I do want to give thanks.

My heart is blessed and stands with the NHS although we lost Daniel to Covid I wouldn’t have had him for so long as I did without the care dedication and love he received from the Drs and nurses we encountered. Some of those people are now my dearest friends and while I’m not really part of the medical world anymore ( well besides my own dodgy health) I will stand by them as they fight for better pay and conditions. I can truly say nurses are the core of the NHS and without them it will not survive.

I’m thankful for fostering and for adoption for blessing me with one of my greatest gifts. Without these systems, so many children would not be loved and cared for. Again whilst I cannot stay in this world I am forever inspired and thankful for them.

My greatest gift

I’m thankful for the probation service especially my team, working in this service for the last five months I have witnessed some amazing dedication to rehabilitation and hope and I’m not just talking about for those we support. I have been lucky enough to be blessed with a manager that I really respect and who understands my brain (not always easy) but also a team that have taken a broken woman and reminded her of what she still has to offer. To listen to me when I have my Daniel moments and hug me when grief overwhelms. This wasn’t a thing I wanted to bring to my new profession but grief, well it plays by its own rules. I am so determined to learn, grow and move forward in this service following the examples of those I work alongside.

I am thankful to some amazing people who have been working with me to heal, to honour my pain and also to celebrate my determination. How I love our deep spiritual conversations even when they keep me away thinking upon them. You are all so incredible .

Of course I’m so thankful for my family, we have faced more pain than any family should ever have to face yet we know and hold on to how lucky we were to have Daniel and Livvy of course in our lives. Again whilst our family life is so different we will rise from the ashes and remember and honour Daniel by living like he did with laughter and giving the best hugs ever.

My Daniel, how i will always be so thankful for you. My dear beautiful boy how lucky I was, I am to call you my son. You taught me so much and my heart misses you so more than words could express but I am trying to live as you taught me, authentic and vulnerable, these are the super powers you reminded me I had inside of me. I miss you my gorgeous boy.

So yes whilst I’m not American I am incredibly thankful on this Thanksgiving day.

Sometimes it’s good to take stock of our blessings and give thanks. Gratitude is good for the soul.

What are you thankful for today?

Doing

On By rebelwithkindnessIn griefLeave a comment

How am I doing?

A valid question I guess but I don’t have a answer unless it’s ok to just say “doing”. I wake up each morning to a life I don’t want, a life that’s missing so much that it hurts from the first moment my eyes open. I’m trying to be better, trying to behave like life is still worth it, but right now it’s not. I hate that I feel this way, hate that I cannot find the old me who could find joy in anything. No that’s a lie, the old me pretended to find joy.

Faking is my superpower I guess.

I miss my beautiful boy, how hollow are these words, they just feel empty because the depth of my emotions cannot fit into the space of these letters.” Missing Daniel “ doesn’t really comprehend the devastation and the brokenness.

I’m living a life I had never planned for, it’s not a bad life, I like my job and I do wish to progress and grow but it’s hard to enjoy when the reason you are there wasn’t your choice. The reason you aren’t in your happy place loving on your boy wasn’t your choice. You,me, my life. How easy is it for me to feel like a spectator in my own existence. On the outside looking in, not consciously attaching myself to the weirdness of a world that shouldn’t exist, a world without my beautiful boy.

It’s normally about here where I try to reach for the reason, reach for something, or to somehow make it right but there isn’t any right. There isn’t any silver lining, if there are lessons for me to learn well the teacher can go do one, losing one child gave me the opportunity to painfully learn and grow, two has fucking destroyed me.

I don’t feel like there is a way back anymore, the Sara I was has gone, broken pieces are just left behind. Will those pieces come together to reform, knit together to create someone new, I have no idea. Right now they, no i am just broken.

Broken

“You are doing it wrong”.

On By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorized4 Comments

I’m getting tired of unwanted opinions, you know the ones. I’m chatting on social media, which a quick side note, does not give people free range regardless what some trolls believe, you are responsible for your words in real life or online.So when someone feels the need to tell me I’m wrong. When someone feels the need to tell me I’m grieving all wrong. Erm what the hell?

I was chatting to someone about the realisation I’ve had about why I cannot or will not fill all this extra time I have in my life since Daniels death and how recently with help I have finally realised that it is because the only thing I really want to fill my time with is my beautiful boy. My reluctance to go back to familiar places etc is because my boy won’t be with me. It wasn’t and isn’t guilt about moving forward ( I know Daniel would want me to) but simply me just wanting my boy back and refusing consciously or unconsciously to accept that he won’t be coming back. Maybe it’s the anger wave or the refusing of the acceptance one but no, I’m sorry I don’t want to go shopping or for a walk because I want to be sitting down cuddling my beautiful son watching the Yorkshire vet. Right now I cannot even watch the programs we used to share because I’m broken hearted and damn right angry that he isn’t there.

The thing is this realisation was something I needed and whilst what I was doing wasn’t wrong (in grief nothing is wrong) it’s not healthy for myself and for those that love me. Also the reality is Daniel cannot be with me right now so how long would I hold on to this dangerous hope and what and how will my mind cope as time goes on. I have to find a way to live life with Daniel in my heart and mind just not here physically.

Anyway the opinion I got was “I’m doing it all wrong” and the person helping me realise this was wrong too. Now I would never tell anyone how to grieve but when someone firstly wasn’t asked into the conversation but secondly who has not walked my journey has an opinion that makes me out to be wrong, well that does make my blood boil.

Now if I was saying “let’s go out and party and forget all about Daniel because he is dead and he doesn’t matter anymore” I could understand a little but what I was saying is that I need to realise for my own mental health that no matter how many invitations I turn down, or places I don’t visit or even programmes I won’t watch I cannot bring Daniel back. This really sucks and it hurts like hell. But in this crazy waiting period I’m aware of damaging relationship’s and hurting the ones I love, whilst also losing myself into to darkness. Because you know what whilst my grief is individual to me I know I am not the only one grieving my beautiful boy. Would I want to see his sisters give up on life, would Daniel, of course not.

So I guess what I needed to realise is the why behind the no’s, the fear that I felt regarding acceptance. Was it that I felt guilty laughing and having fun again without Daniel, answer to that is no. Daniel brought me joy and I know he would want me to continue to find joy, especially in the things we shared together. Was I just so sad that I couldn’t face these things and if that’s the case should I be seeking further help? For me the answer was simply (not that simple) I was place holding. You remember when we were kids and we would hold a place in line for our best friend, well I was holding a place for Daniel. I wanted him back and I was holding this space until he would be there. I wanted him back more than anything and I was so angry at life that I was refusing to fill the place where he should be. I don’t want to do this or that, I want Daniel.

Whilst that may sound like spoiled brat behaviour it’s grief and I think I felt that if I accepted, if I accept his loss I would lose him completely. But the harsh truth is I have physically lost him and I do have to accept this but I will never really lose him. Not whilst my memories hold him, whilst my heart still beats to love him. Love isn’t constricted by the physical realm.

Deep, crazy thinking which I do hope I am make some sense explaining.

So I guess the thing about the unwanted opinion is those words shared at me, were firstly ignorance, because I’m sorry without losing a child you have no idea how it feels. It’s not like losing your parents, sibling or pet (all completely valid and painful I’m not taking away from that) but losing your child the one you thought you would outlive, the one who you had dreams for, the one you raised, cared for. The one who holds your unconditional love it’s different. So whilst I will happily take thoughts, gestures and love unless you have walked this journey I will not accept someone telling me I’m doing it wrong. Grief is a journey and whilst many will walk through similar stages grief is unique to the individual. Heck it’s unique to both the individual and the one you have lost. I mean I thought I knew grief when I lost Livvy but this journey of grieving Daniel is completely different. It should be, I had a different relationships with them both, Livvy and Daniel were different people and my life looks different now and of course I’m different. I’m not the same person I was in 2008 who would be?

I am in no way pretending to be an expert on child loss and grief and to be honest I’m rather p*seed off that I’m having to live this pain again. Believe me, Jesus and I have had words. But I do know me and that means I know how my brain works and what it needs or I know (in this case) to find someone who will allow me to walk through this with support and guidance and patience to allow me space to work through it. I am well aware I’m not a easy person to walk with at the best of times, if there was an Olympic sport in overthinking I would be gold medalist for sure. But even if I was making a complete mess of my journey that’s my mess to create and unless you are pulling me from the edge of the cliff don’t you dare tell me or anyone that they are grieving wrong.

So back to opinions, look we all have them, I’m sure I’ve offered a few unwanted ones. The thing is I hope I do them in love or at least a shared understanding. Yet even when asked for advice on grief i can only offer my own experience. You see grief is unique, it’s mean and unpredictable and whilst it comes from love it often feels like hell. You have to live your own grief journey and I have to live mine.

Yet even beyond grief I wonder if In a world that allows us quick access to others. Where in a minute we can share our thoughts and feelings with others, what if we stepped back just for a minute or two and ask ourselves a few questions

1. Firstly am I speaking in love?

2. Do I have personal experience?

The main one should always be

3. Was I actually asked to share?

Maybe if we all did this the world and especially this online world would be a lot nicer of a place.

As for me I’m going to continue on my journey, I know it’s going to be messy, hard and painful I mean it’s life after all. Yet regardless of the pain I’m yet to face and the heartbreak that is right now ripping into my very being, I am so thankful. Thankful that I got the gift of loving my beautiful boy, so blessed to call the cheeky monster my son.

Daniel you Mommy misses you so so much. Xxx

Dear Daniel

On By rebelwithkindnessIn Dear Daniel, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Dear Daniel it’s been over three months since we lost you to the evil know as Covid. Three months since our world when dark, where I fell deep into the pain of missing. Life is so different and not in any way we like, yes we can go out when we want, sleep as long as we want but none of them mean nothing. My joy was found in caring for you, seeing your cheeky smile when you decided it wasn’t time for sleep, or watching your cheeky grin before you closed your eyes and pretended to sleep so you didn’t have to engage with others. Gosh I miss you.

I received a phone call today, a Secetary wanting to book you in for your appointment, having to explain to her that you had gone broke me into a million different pieces. Saying the words “my son has died” burned on my tongue. I cannot say this without the waterfall of tears that follow. I’m dreaming of waterfalls recently, I’m stood under the drop and the water falls on me, sometimes it beats at my body, I lose the air to breathe, it’s fast and it’s strong and it those moments I can think of nothing, my mind is full with the moment, the water wipes my mind. Then some times it’s slows to a trickle and as I wait for it to drop gently on my head, my mine is full of you. If you fancy working the meaning out Daniel let you mommy know.

I still haven’t got the hang of living without you in fact although my brain knows it my heart often refuses to accept it. I feel like shouting at God, “what the f@ck wasn’t one of my children enough? How many times do you want to see my heart broken”. Still waiting in his answer, still waiting.

You were my North Star and now I’m without direction. I mean you know you mom doesn’t remember her left or right so without you here to guide I feel like I have no chance. It would help if I knew were I’m supposed to be going.

I hope you are having some fun there, have you convinced Jesus about the need for a farm, have you got Livvy helping you with the animals. Like you Livvy loved the donkeys especially when they pooped.

Anyway my beautiful boy give your sister and big hug for me. I miss you both beyond words, I don’t understand why I had to lose you, but I hold you both in my heart, i wish it was my arms but my heart it will have to be until I’m there with you.

Dance on the rainbows and bounce on the clothes my beautiful boy.

Mommy misses you so much it physically hurts.

I love you to the moon and stars and beyond my sweet boy.

Always

Mommy xxx

Do you get ice cream in heaven?

On By rebelwithkindnessIn Dear Daniel, griefLeave a comment

My phone vibrates, it’s a reminder to tell me it’s the Derbyshire county show today. I remember vividly adding the date to my calendar. Telling Daniel about how much fun we were going to have. The animals we would see. Describing how loud and full of so many different sounds, how I hoped the highland cow class in the show ring was going to be on again. Daniel sat eyes wide open listening to me, cuddling in closer as I went on telling him about the horses the tractors. He wasn’t happy that his favourite vet and wife wasn’t going to be there but we were going to have a wonderful day, I’m sure of it.

How I wish I was back there in that state of ignorance. Not knowing how less than a month or so later my world would be in pieces, shattered completely by my broken heart.

How I wish that I could have got up this morning and got Daniel ready for our day of animal heaven, not a day of grieving him in heaven.

How I wish

How I wish.

I hope Daniel visited the show today, that he and Livvy watched the show rings and guessed at the winning animal. I hope they danced to the music playing, flew high on the fairground rides, enjoyed ice-cream and candy floss. Do you get ice cream in heaven? I hope so.

I on the other hand have spend the day in tears, valid of course but overwhelming and so so painful. I truly feel like my future is over, I just have no idea what to do or who to be. I did wonder about going today but decided I couldn’t. The pain would have been too much and actually finances wouldn’t allow it. I do really need to find a job.

No one warns you about the loss of identity that comes with grief, with the loss of your loved one you lose the role you were to them. If you lose a parent you stop being their child, if you lose a child you stop being their parent. I don’t mean in name but in what your day consists off. Losing Daniel I stopped being his mom , carer, nurse, advocate my favourite role, the cuddler all gone with my beautiful boy. Of course I’m still Daniels mom but right now he doesn’t need me and oh my I loved being needed by my boy.

Along with the county show today I have many more moments, appointments that I don’t have to attend any more. My days are empty and I’m finding this hard to navigate. What the heck do I do with myself, 24 hours are now endless and empty.

As I’ve said I’m job hunting but even that has me at a lost. I haven’t spend the last years planning, working on my future career. I had my plans perfectly set before me. I would live to love on Daniel, to spend my time caring for him. Using my time to advocate for Daniel and any one with disabilities who are facing so much discrimination right now.

I had my plans

Did God laugh at them?

I don’t think so

Covid just stole them.

Another first

On By rebelwithkindnessIn grief, Uncategorised2 Comments

It is said that when you lose someone you love the hardest moments are the firsts. The first day without them, the first birthday, the first Christmas and the first holiday.

This is my first holiday, first without any children and most heartbreaking the first without Daniel.

The sun shines above me, the waves lap gently at the shore, the birds fly above me. Yet all I feel is this emptiness, the longing.

Longing for my boy.

I’m trying to tell myself he is with me, as I walk across the shoreline, he is with me. As I watch the birds circle the sky, he is with me. As I laugh when the sea gulls pooped on Daddy he laughs with me. Yet pretending is often as painful as the reality. I try to imagine him listening to the waves, feeling the wind as it blows through his hair and his smile, oh his beautiful smile it lights up when he hears the birds in the sky. I’m trying but I’m failing, it hurts so desperately.

I walked into a shop the other day, I saw this beautiful jumper covered in sea life. I found myself searching for a size 7-8 years and the jumper was in my hand before reality hit. Oh how I cried, sobbing in a clothes shop another first for me, but for that spilt second Daniel was with me. For just that moment life made sense once again. Yet the truth fell upon me as the tears fell from my eyes.

Oh my heart I miss him so much.

Alan and I are so lost, finding things to do is easy but it shouldn’t be. I should be checking out accessibility, places to change Daniel and so much more. It took me no time to pack, that isn’t right and our car wasn’t bursting at the seams with equipment and medications. It’s all wrong and I just don’t like it.

I’m honestly tired of people telling me “it’s our time now” the assumption that we didn’t live as we cared for Daniel. The truth is far from that, we lived fully due to our gorgeous boy. We saw the world in more detail as we described it all to Daniel. We got to see the beauty in nature. To hear the dancing tunes of the wind. I don’t care for this new life at all and I feel I never will. This wasn’t my choice, this is far from the reality I dream off. This is painful, an agony in the missing and so very strange. I’m so lost in the surroundings that once were so very familiar.

“You can do all the things you wanted to do” no I can’t because my plans, my dreams all involved Daniel. Yes I could go do them but they won’t be as I wanted them to be.

Different and wrong, broken in the missing.

So as I watch the sunset I try and embrace the beauty. I try to give thanks for the time I had with Daniel, I try because I’m not there yet. I’m so thankful but it wasn’t enough. No where near enough.

So as the sun disappears into the ocean I breathe deeply as I face another first.

My first sunset without my beautiful boy beside me.

Another heartbreaking first

Another first without my beautiful boy.

You cannot rush grief

On By rebelwithkindnessIn Dear Daniel, grief, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Ok ok I’ve made a rookie error. You know this grief business, well you would think I would be be an expert. Losing three children, one would assume I would have this grief journey down. I wouldn’t need the map or sat nav; this journey should be set in my sub conscious, innate directions.

So why oh why am I finding myself trying to rush through to the end. You know the part where you find some acceptance and maybe a little peace. Come on Sara you should know better that this, there are no short cuts and no quick way through. There isn’t even a toll road that costs you a fortune but cuts out half of the journey time. Nope, no chance,not happening.

No matter how much you don’t want it to the pain of grief has to be lived, the reason why is simple , we love.

Right now it’s perfectly ok and right for me to be lost in the pain of losing Daniel. It’s correct for me to find every breathe painful in missing him. My tears should fall and my heart should be broken because I loved my beautiful boy, I love him, desperately.

Changing the sofa around, painting the walls even maybe putting his toy box out of sight may be what I need to do just to calm the waves but a fresh lick of paint won’t erase the memories of Daniel giggling on the sofa, holding him on my lap, snuggling into my chest, nothing will.

There are no short cuts in grief. What is it the Going on bear hunt book says “you can’t over it, your can’t go under it, you have to go through it”.

I know why I’m trying to push through the pain, the truth is I’m scared I won’t survive it. I survived losing Livvy by the love and need of her sisters, I am truly scared I’m not strong enough to survive losing Daniel.

I’m actually really scared of this darkness I feel.

My whole world changed with Daniels death, my identity as his mom, his carer, his nurse, physio et etc all disappearing with his last breath. He was, my purpose, my joy and my reason. My life was planned with him, I still cannot comprehend a life without him. It’s like my mind just won’t go there, a robot stuck moving back and forth “I just can’t compute, I just can’t compute”.

Oh gosh I’ve sat here thinking how better it would be to be a robot with no feelings, no emotions, no grief ; yet I wouldn’t be happy. I’m a person that feels intensely, if you are loved by me, well you get loved my me. I don’t do half measures. I tell myself I will protect my heart again and again but if I had of done that then I wouldn’t have had the gift of Daniel. I got to love and care for my boy for 6 years, I got to wake up knowing cuddles awaited me, that smiles that would fill my heart would bless my day.

I have spoken and walked through child loss with a number of people over the years ( too many ) and the one thing I tell them is it’s ok to feel broken, it’s ok to feel the pain, because you loved. Give yourself time and to be kind to yourself. This wasn’t how life should be.

Missing someone you love will never be easy and it shouldn’t be. This pain, this agony that I feel now it’s worth it, because I got to love Daniel and if I had to live this pain all over again for just one more moment with my boy I would do so.

So right now all I have to do is be, to be whatever I need me to be, to hold on and allow myself to grieve. There is no rushing grief, it sets it’s own timetable just like love does, as it should because grief is the love we cannot give and I love Daniel intensely.

Please tear down the curtain.

On By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorized2 Comments

Give yourself time, be kind to yourself, the pain will ease. I know people mean well and I love them for it, but in all honesty I don’t want time, I don’t want to be kind to myself and the pain, well shouldn’t I always feel it? They say that grief is the love we cannot give so this agony feels right,

As it should be.

I know I’m not helping myself but right now I don’t want to. I’m missing Daniel with such an intensity that I can barely breathe. Everything I see, every room I walk in his absence is suffocating. Everything reminds me of him and how my heart is forever broken missing him.

I just want to scream at God to bring my boy back.

Please.

If you have a faith the pain of losing one you love often lands you in two camps of thought. The first is closer to God, you feel him closer, you find your comfort in his promises. You know that Jesus catches ever tear you cry. You know with a certainty that you will see you loved ones again.

Or the second camp, you are angry, so angry that you cannot believe God had taken the one you love. You tell yourself you cannot believe in a God who does this. One who is all powerful but didn’t save the one you hold in your heart. Faith becomes lost in the pain.

For me I think I’m actually going to make a camp number 3. One where I love God and I know Daniel is with him but one where I really am angry that he didn’t save my son. How or why is my beautiful boy gone from me.

I was thinking as I was writing this that often people speak of a curtain between us. That to trust that Daniel is still close to me and it’s only a curtain that separates the living from those gone before us. Yet I often thing of the scripture when it tells what happened when Jesus was crucified that the curtain was torn in the temple. I want my curtain to be torn. I want Daniel to be here not behind a curtain or in another room, I want him here in my arms.

I want that curtain torn down.

I want to kiss the top of his sweet head and I want to feel his heartbeat next to mine. I want to hold him in my arms once more. I want it as it should be.

I want

I want

I want.

Please

“At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split. “

Matthew 27:51