Countdown to 40

40

 

I realised last night that in under a month I turn 40. This is a major milestone in my life but one I am so excited for.

Growing up I remember thinking 40 was really old, I mean it seemed that my mom was 32 forever so I was sure I would stay this way. Yet time has moved on and I have been slowly creeping towards this age.

I remember when I turned 30 I was really freaked by it all, I didn’t feel ready to be 30 years old I was uncomfortable and not happy in my own skin. Life wasn’t easy and I had just started to show signs of the illness that changed my life. I look back to those days when I was chasing after 4 children under 10 and teaching dance. I remember just not feeling complete as if I wasn’t living life to the full.

Fast forward the last ten years and my goodness a crazy amount has happened. I have walked through some of the darkest moments of my life. My heart has been broken, tore up into millions of pieces and then trodden on. I never imagined at 30 that I would have to bury a child let alone two. I would have never been able to comprehend surviving the loss of my daughter and my foster son. Never in a million years. Yet somehow I have survived, my heart may never be complete but it is learning to love on, learning to beat strongly again and I am learning to live life to the full again.

I know deep down that 40 isn’t really a special age. I mean I preach often about celebrating every day we have here, but still I am rather excited for the day.

This may sound big headed but I like who I see in the mirror now. I may not be a dance teacher or able to fit my bum into a size 12 but I truly love my body and I’m so grateful to it. It has given me four amazing girls, completely different, independent ,inspirational girls. It allows me to foster two truly awesome boys, each a blessing in their own special way. My body may be a little battle worn but it’s not been beaten and I am so thankful for this.

I look back to the person I was 10 years ago and I know I have been on a journey. I use the term “self discovery” loosely  as is the only way to get close to describing  the transformation I feel I have faced.

I love who I am (yes I may have said that before) but I seriously do. I love my emotional side, no more will I apologise for my random tears or unexpected hugs. I’m empathic and I care and this is something I am proud of now. No more calling myself soppy and pathetic, I actually rock.

I love my courage, I am more willing to put myself out into the danger zone, being vulnerable, feeling scared but still moving forward.

I love my brain, it’s ok that I am a little geeky at times, that sometimes the idea of a good book wins against a movie or a night out. That I appreciate my own company and yes at times I get lost in my own mind.

I love myself and I love my life.

As I head towards this birthday milestone I do so with so much gratitude.

Over the last years I have had people walk into my life that have blessed me in so many ways. Friends that love me for me, deep true friendships that can pick up after a time apart just where we left off. Friends I can laugh with, friends I have cried on. I am so grateful for each and every one of them.

I am so thankful for my family, my daughters and my sons each so unique and so beautiful. Getting to watch them grow and learn and experience life is such a wonder, such a gift. My Dad, my Step Mom, my inlaws, my aunts, uncles, cousins, relantionships that I truly value and people I truly love.

My husband, I am completely in love with this crazy man, after nearly 20 years of marriage I still get that flutter in my heart when he walks into a room. He makes me laugh, he drives me insane, but he truly is my soul mate.

I am so thankful that I miss my Livvy, because missing someone is the recognition of an amazing love, a truly unbroken bond. My girl and I will be together again one day, but until then I am going to try and live as she did, fully and with all my heart.

So the count down to 40 begins and I’m so excited. I’m so ready to celebrate the 40 years I have been here with all my family and friends. An evening full of laughter, music and hopefully a gorgeous outfit.

Yet 40 is only the really the beginning, the start of a new stage in life, one I hope will be full of love and laughter and the people that really make my life truly amazing, my family and friends, because with them and because of them I actually love myself more at 40 then I ever did.

 

40 looking good

Twenty years on, do I love him like I did?

I was chatting to someone a few days back and they said something that really made me think. They told me they loved their husband the same as when they first met them. This got me thinking.

Do I love my husband the same way?
It’s been twenty years since our first date, do I love him like I did then?

My answer 

Dear Alan 

From the moment I saw you I think I loved you, no matter how hard I tried to deny it you were in my heart forever. 
When you asked me to marry you my heart finally felt complete.

The day I became your wife I questioned if I could ever love another as I love you.

Still twenty years on I have to admit I don’t love you like I did then. 

You don’t make my heart skip a beat anymore at the sound of your voice.

My skin doesn’t tingle when you reach out for me.

It’s not the same 

It’s so much better

I look back over our 20 years, over all we have been through and how I know I couldn’t have survived it all without you. 

My heart may not skip beats at the sound of your voice but my soul feels a peace it only knows from you. 

My skin may not tingle at your touch but my whole body burns to be close to you, connected with you.

20 years ago I didn’t think I could love you more, but I do. Gone is the flirty lust filled love and in its place is a deep emotional connection. 

We are so different you and I. 

I wear my heart on my sleeve. My mouth opens quicker than my brain engages. I stress the little things, the big things and those in between. 

It used to frustrate me how laid back you are, now I see you are the calm to my storm. You are the peace to my hurricane. 

Life has blessed us and hurt us. I have found myself falling into the depths of despair only stopping in my freefall by the strength and love you have wrapped around me like a safety cradle keeping me safe.

I watch you grow each day. Taking on challenges, pushing yourself. It makes me so proud to call you mine. You encourage me to reach out for my dreams, always supporting me on the sidelines.

My heart is full from the way you care for our children. Ones ours from birth others ours by heart. Nothing is too much to make them happy. Your girls have you wrapped around their fingers. Your boy looks up to you his eyes saying “that’s my daddy”.

I think of the children we have still yet to meet, how lucky they will be to call you dad.

The last 20 years have been one heck of a ride. But if I had to do it all again I would in a heartbeat as long as you were there by my side. 

Marriage is a crazy thing, I’m sure no one has all the answers. I’m just glad I got to face the questions with you.

I don’t love you like I did when we first met. 

No I love you so much more.

Thanks for putting up with this crazy girl.

  
Here’s to the next 20. 

Sara xx

Memories cherished as memories are made.

I have just returned from a wonderful week in beautiful Wales.

I have loved every minute of it, from the beautiful sunsets to the endless beaches.

Its been a truly wonderful week.

It was a week I so needed, time to recharge and refresh my mind.

Time to allow the words to form and the passages to write.

I am feeling stronger that ever.

My heart and mind are on the same path.

This holiday was the first time I have gone back to this area of Wales without Livvy.

I honestly believed that it was going to have to be another first without her.

Yet it wasn’t because as I have enjoyed the views, cherished the sunsets and loved the ocean I have felt Livvy everywhere.

Memories cherished as memories made.

Dogemals 2015 Newquay 2015 west wales 2015

True love

Our love isn’t found in the three simple words “I love you”
It’s your actions that makes my heart beat to the lovers drum.

The way you care with all you are.
No only when it’s easy but even more so when it’s hard.

The world is full of red roses and flowers but true love isn’t found in these things.

It’s the fresh cup of coffee you leave quietly for me each morning as you wake to the children.

It’s the popping out to the shop when you are tired and just want to relax.

It’s the way you raise your daughters, with so much love and understanding.

Taxi service and cash point with only a little scowl.

 

True love is staying quiet when you know i’m being unfair.

Or when you simply haven’t a clue what started my rage.

Listening to the same old worries because i’m struggling to reach a decision.

Or listen to the same old stories because I’m simply harping on.

 

Loving is when its too hard,

When your heart is broken and your soul is screaming no more.

Finding the strength to be brave when I cannot.

Holding me night after night as I cry into the early hours.

Watching my missing as you ache also.

 

True love is painting my toe nails on a ward full of laughing nurses.

Of holding my hair as I vomit into the toilet bowl.

Of changing hundreds of dirty bums without more than the occassional moan.

The acceptance of the being the porta loo changer even though I had said we would share.

 

True love is loving me before i knew how to love myself.

Teaching me that promises do get kept.

Of being my constant in a world that keeps changing.

 

True Love is you my dear husband.

From that first bar room meeting nearly 20 years ago.

You have been my everything.

 

Happy Valentine’s Dear Alan.

Heres to a lifetime of me driving you slowly insane.

My friend, my lover, my heart.

I love you, today, tomorrow, forever. xxxx

valentines alan and i

 

 

 

 

 

As the year comes to an end…..

So its the end of another year.

A lot has happened in the last 365 days.

I became the parent to all teenagers

Then a few months later I became the parent of an adult. (crazy)

I also then had to wave the said adult off as she left for university

It has truly been a crazy year, at times it has felt my feet have barely touched the ground.

We are still fostering a handsome young man with special needs and he is certainly keeping us on our toes.

Livvy’s Smile is doing well, we have held some fantastic memory making days and been busy fundraising. We have also had our story featured in a weekly woman’s magazine.

Personally I have had my writing published in a book and also walked the catwalk as a plus size model.

It’s honestly been a go go year.

As I wave 2014 goodbye I do so with two emotions.

Pride and exhaustion.

Proud of all we have achieved.

Exhausted, well simply by achieving all we have achieved.

I am super excited for 2015 though.

I have so many hopes for this forthcoming year.

In September I start at university, this is something I have dreamed of for such a long time and I cannot tell you how excited I am.

I’m also modelling again at Style XL and have a couple of photo shoots already lined up.

We may be adding another foster child to our family, and the girls are still trying hard to drive me completely insane.

So yes 2015 I am looking forward to you.

But while I am not making any new year resolutions I am making myself some promises.

Firstly I’m going to learn how to take time for myself.

Allowing myself space to breath, stop feeling guilty about wanting time out.

Also working on my health and fitness, continue with my swimming and working on my diet, as in healthy food not weight loss (not that I wouldn’t mind shifting a pound or twenty). I’m also going to try and stop stressing about things i cannot change and stop letting others have power over me. Anxiety has had me for the last 38 years, no more.

Secondly I’m going to work harder on my marriage.

It’s so easy after 19 years of being with the same man to take him for granted. To take each other for granted. I want to work on cherishing each other, spending quality time together and having fun. Reminding my husband that I still love every inch of him and that i find him sexier now than ever.

Thirdly Im going to work on believing in myself more.

For too long I have let myself down, rejected compliments or turned away opportunities because I didn’t believe I could do them.

This next year is going to be different.

I am a bright, intelligent woman and I am going to embrace all that I am. Negativity and self disbelief can stay in 2014 where it belongs.

This woman is going places.

Fourthly I’m going to have fun and make more memories.

This year I want to be more spontaneous and just enjoy the moment.

Let go and just take each day as it comes.

Play more with the kids and generally try not to stress as much as I do.

 

So there you go, my 2015 promises to myself.

Still before this year comes to an end i want to thank all my readers for the support that they have given me.

Blogging has afforded me many opportunities but the greatest of all these has been the people I have connected with in real life and here in the virtual world.

Your comments, emails, tweets have all lifted me when I was low.

Inspired me when I was lost and loved me when I was lonely.

I started blogging in 2008 for different reasons than I write now, but as always in 2015 this blog will be my heart.

What you read is simply who I am.

Heart on my sleeve

Words on the page.

So with that I would like to say…….

BLOG NEW YEAR

I married the Mr Men

I could have lost it right there and then.

He was asking me the same question he had asked only moments ago.

Doesn’t he realise how busy I am?

How much I have to do?

Can he not see I’m drowning?

No he wants to weigh me down to the bottom.

Marriage 

It’s not easy.

I’m tired of seeing photos of happy couples.

The perfect moment.

The romantic gestures

The whispered sweet nothings.

I get the Mr Men

Mr forgetful

Mr Grumpy 

And lets not forget

Mr Sleepy

mr men

Marriage that wonderful thing you enter in with dreams and hopes.

Then you realise it takes work.

Hard work. 

 

[Tweet ““A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.” -Dave Meurer “]

 

My husband drives me insane.

He forgets so many things and goes off target at all times.

Yet he leaves me sleeping and gets the children to school. 

He falls asleep in company or totally misses the point.

Yet he cleans my kitchen so I can bake.

[Tweet “Marriage is two people living as one. “]

Two different hearts, dreams and inspirations.

It’s far from easy but it’s worth it.

It’s not about those picture perfect moments (though they would be nice now and again).

It’s about the one who sends you to bed when you feel ill.

The one who stays so strong when you fall apart.

It’s not about grand gestures.

It’s about the one who brings you coffee when you are buried deep In a assignment.

The one who paints the living room before your ladies event.

[Tweet “The one who believes in you when you don’t believe in yourself.”]

 

I am far from the perfect wife.

He is not the perfect husband

[Tweet “But we are the perfect pair.”]

[Tweet ““Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” -Franklin P. Jones “]

 

 

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Different can be fun.

Having a touring caravan normally means our holidays involve towing, pegging and aqualoos.

It also often involves wet clothes and cold feet.

The British weather is known for it’s unforgiving rain.

As any parent will tell you it starts to pour the moment someone says  “it’s the school holidays”.

Yet despite all this we do love our caravan.

The nights spent out on the campsites listening to the quiet still evening sounds

Or the early morning alarm Capella style from the birds.

I love them

Yet still when rain ruined play this week we decided to do something a little different and  book ourselves over night into a guest house in good old Llandudno.

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It was a blast, the guest house was simply amazing. The owner was super welcoming and so helpful. Honestly nothing was to much for him.

The guesthouse itself was beautiful and spotless. The bathroom was that clean my husband noticed and that’s saying something.

Oh and the breakfast it was simply yummy, the selection was great from fresh fruit to a fry up.

I honestly would recommend the Alvastra for a stay.

 
So we may not have got to sunbathe on the beach this holiday but we did get to watch the boats, travel to the top of the Great Orme and walk the pier.

llandundo 2014

It was a fun trip.

Llandudno holds many memories for us as a family from nappy losing (yes Eden that was you) to pier vomiting (Livvy) it was nice to remember  and smile but it was also lovely to create new ones as well.

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It really isn’t the length of a holiday or the exotic location that makes it special, it’s those you share it with.

So my two cold windy days in Llandudno were truly special as I got to spend them with those that I love.

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What more could I have wished for.

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