Quiet

Oh how I wish it would stop, the endless whirling in my mind. How I pray for it to be quiet as the noise it’s beyond overwhelming. I have no idea where or why anxiety decided to use my mind as a playground, but I wish it would move on. It effects every decision I make and I so wish it did not. What’s ifs, control my life and my heart. Fear is behaving like my best friend staying over and keeping me awake all night. Stop, be quiet just for a moment please. Just give me a second to work out what is true in my thoughts, give me a minute to know my heart without the fear weaving in it’s ventricles renewing itself with every beat.

Please be quiet, please stay quiet, let me unscramble my thoughts, let me breathe deep again. Anxiety you are not welcome here, it’s as if my basic defensives are engaging constantly against me. Fight or flight, fight or flight. How about love and rest?

When people ask me what I am anxious about, it’s seem trivial to just answer life, but the truth is right now it feels like every decision I make or need to make is a thread of the tapestry of anxiety.

Nothing feels straight forward anymore.

People tell me we have lived through some scary times but the word “through” makes me feel like it’s finished yet my fear is still constant.

This pandemic has done a number on me that’s for sure. I’m not over it, I still feel very much in it. The fear hasn’t been for myself beyond me catching the virus and passing it on but for the others I love. For Daniel my little immunity fragile gift, how could I not be anxious?

We need to move forward and get back to normal but can I return to a person I am not any more. Should we walk backwards after growth? Even if the growing has been painful and hard it’s still a journey we have walked. Turning back just doesn’t feel the right opinion.

But how do I learn to breathe deep once more, how do I learn to find my quiet in my mind?

How do I learn to be?

How can I get my mind to be quiet?

Quiet please.