Loving hard

Being emotional.

Is it a bad thing?

For many years now I have felt it is.

I have held back my heart, my feelings, my emotions.

And I feel suffocated.

 

Years ago when I was a teenager my Nan told me that wearing my heart on the outside would get me hurt.

She was talking about my heartbreak over a boyfriend at the time and she was trying ease my pain.

She said that I needed to hold my head high and act as if it didn’t matter and that i was ok.

I know she meant well but I believe I took that advice a little to literally.

 

You see I do love hard.

Its as simple as that.

But over the years I have held back.

Tried to be someone I’m not.

Taking words as emotional, dramatic, as insults.

Changing who I am to please others.

 

Even when Livvy died I never allowed myself to let go.

I didn’t fall apart, scream at God or generally let rip.

I held on.

I could tell you that it was to be strong for my girls, or my husband but that would only be partly true.

I held on because I was scared to let go.

If I let myself fall apart would i be able to put myself together again.

Well I was praying about this last night and God gave me this beautiful image of a mosaic and he reminded me that some of the most beautiful things in life are made from broken pieces.

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I have to allow myself to break,

Allow myself to really feel.

Holding back is suffocating me.

I can’t breathe.

 

I do love hard.

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It is who I am

I am emotional

I am dramatic

I am all or nothing.

But I love with all my heart.

I will fight to the death for those I care about

and I will be by your side always.

Remember if I love you, I will love you hard.

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A good place.

You know what I’m in a good place right now.

The beginning of this year has brought me many changes, hard decisions and a lot of heartache.

I have doubted who I am, stood in judgement on myself.

It wasn’t good and for a while there I was scared.

Scared of falling into the darkness.

Thankfully I didn’t, even in the midst of it all I held on for the light.

And it came.

I’m happy.

Yeah that feels so good to say that.

I’m happy.

I don’t find it easy to be in that happy place. I struggle so much with guilt, fear and just the burning desire to be liked.

Happiness isn’t my natural go to point.

But finally I’m in that place where I want to shout out.

HEY YOU KNOW WHAT, IM GOOD

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It doesn’t have to be inevitable

The other night I sat and watched the film “Rabbit Hole” starring Nicole Kidman and Aaron Eckhart. I wasn’t too sure why I wanted to watch a film dealing with the emotions around the loss of a child. To be honest its a little to close to home. I guess it was just curiosity, wondering how others had faced the heartbreak, coped with the pain. (yes i know its just a film).

The film was extremely well acted and at times I found myself walking through the emotions with the cast.

The desire to change everything.

The need for space.

The anger,

the raw unadulterated anger.

The emptiness inside.

“The only way out is through

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There is a moment in the film when in a bereavement support group another parent speaks about the separation of her marriage and that it was “Inevitable”. The grief books often state that “many or most marriages cannot survive the death of a child”.

This statement didn’t surprise me, all the research I had done all the self help books I had read all say the same thing.

It’s inevitable.

Grief is such a individual journey, everyone travels the road in different ways and at different times. Even when you lose the child together your grief is unique to you.

I experienced this in my own marriage,my husband deals with things quietly and internally. This at times has left me feeling alone and rejected, not the way he ever meant for me to feel. But the way it did, alone and hurting.

Exhaustion also is such a big part in all, the weight of the pain can be so heavy that even getting out of bed requires effort. Let alone finding the energy to be there for others.

Circumstances too play a major role, many times bereaved parents find themselves having to go back into work not long after their loss to an environment that requires them to be a professional not a grieving mother or father.

Its not easy and I know that, even now four years into this journey it still isn’t easy.

I also know I am one of the lucky ones, I had a husband who tried so hard to make it as right as it could be. Tried to understand, showed me compassion without no bounds even when he was struggling too. He sat and listened as I tried to digest the reality of our loss. Held me tight when the reality finally hit home and my heart shattered into millions of pieces.

He held me then.

He holds me now.

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Marriage is hard and it requires more work than you possibly could imagine. It didn’t come with instructions. So when a marriage faces such a loss and the two people in the union suffer the utmost heartbreak its hard to keep it together. It is simply easier to walk your grief journey alone. It may seem selfish but its about survival.

We struggled, we still struggle. There is a hole in each of our hearts that can never be filled. We lost our beautiful daughter and nothing can fix that.

Yet as the catchline off the film states “The only way out is through “.

In life we all face things we never could of imagined, pain we don’t think we can survive. Whatever, whenever situations arise the truth is simply “The only way out is through ”
You cannot hide, you cannot go around it. Believe me I’ve tried.

Through it is the only way.

For my marriage talking was our saviour,

Ephesians 4.26 “do not let the sun go down on your anger,” became our daily scripture.

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There were so many times I was angry at my husband and he was angry at me and we were both so angry at the world. But we worked hard to communicate. Worked hard to cherish each other.

We had lost so much, losing each other wasn’t an option.

Separation doesn’t have to be inevitable.

Epilepsy awareness day

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Today is Epilepsy awareness day, a day where people across the world, share,educate and inform people about this condition.

I am too aware of epilepsy as it was condition that Livvy suffered from severely. A condition that played a big part in her death.

Livvy suffered from uncontrollable seizures, one time we counted over 106 in a day. We tried many medications and fought hard not to let them to control her life.

Lets just say it was an ongoing war,one which sometimes we won the battle other times we lost.

Epilepsy can be scary for both the one having the seizure and the one watching.

Epilepsy is also surrounded by myths, not that long ago sufferers were accused of being demons. Thankfully times have changed but still the need for awareness is there.

So I ask you today to click this link and learn more about this condition.

My Baking Week

So I’ve been baking again this week.

 

What a surprise, I’m loving my new hobby and I have so many things I want to try.

 

This week I have baked a

 

Lemon yogurt cake

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This isnt’ the actual image, my husband took a bite before I had a chance to photograph it. Lets just say he enjoyed it.

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A vanilla traybake

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Chocolate chip muffins for my daughter to take to school. To sit and drink tea while discussing Philosophy and Ethics

I am really enjoying baking and I am now finding myself lusting over cookbooks and bakeware. I’m also working hard on the hubby for a mixer, having an big mixer will allow me to add breads to my list.

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Pretty please, xxxx 

Dive – Five minute friday

I wonder if i live in a permanent state of denial. Simply the refusal to accept.

 

I know that one day I will see my daughter again but the truth is i have another lifetime to live without her.

 

Sometimes it just doesn’t make sense, I want to line up the facts and some how, someway  find a reason for her loss.

 

But the equation has no value.

 

Rett syndrome doesn’t always mean death.

 

So sometimes I pretend

 

I dive into the world of make believe.

 

I imagine her at school, playing with her friends, ignoring the requests of her teachers.

 

I can picture her in detail even down to the remnants of her dinner of her blouse collar.

 

Her sweet smile lighting up the classroom, her teachers trying so hard to be stern but giving in to the mischievous grin she shows them.

 

Her hands, her smooth soft hands, clapping in eager anticipation.

 

Denial???

 

Creative ???

 

Imaginative ???

 

Survivalist ????

 

Whatever you call it for me that split second is my stairway to heaven.

 

My gateway to my daughter.

 

My dive into eternity.

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Watching them grow

My big two have been away this weekend and I have really missed them.

The house was so quiet, no arguments, no dodgy music blaring from each bedroom competing with each other.

I even managed to get into the bathroom on my first attempt.

Yet in the quietness I was struck by two things.

Firstly I prefer noise, I love the hustle of a busy home.

Secondly they are growing up, how many more years will they be at home. K is 16 this year, E is 15, they are both heading towards adulthood at a alarming pace.

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It only feels like yesterday life was a merry go round of baby appointments and toddler groups, now it’s youth groups, parties and boyfriends.

I knew it was going to happen one day but truthfully it has snuck up on me.

There came a moment quite suddenly a mother realized that a child was no longer hers. … without bothering to ask or even give notice, her daughter had just grown up.-Alice Hoffman

They are great girls, they have visions and dreams for the future and are determined to see them come true. Bright, beautiful, annoying and totally amazing each in their own unique way.

I’m not ready for all of this. I’m not ready for them to be grown ups.

I need to be needed. I want to go back to being the centre of their world.

When I had my first daughter my mom said “cherish these moments as they don’t stay little for long”. I didn’t understand at the time, I thought I had forever, but they do grow In a blink of an eye.

My advice to any new mother is as my mom said, cherish every moment.

I guess I’m going to have get used to them growing up, admiring the young woman they are becoming, but the ache is still there in my heart. I know they still need me but it’s different. They turn to friends, boyfriends for advice now also.

It’s not easy being a parent, at first you wonder if you will ever survive those sleepless nights, now it’s the fear of letting go.

Saying all this I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I love being a mom and my girls rock.

As for poor B my baby maybe I’m just going to lock her away and keep her my baby forever. The curse of being the youngest I suppose.

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