Thank you for making me a mom.

I remember the days when your hands fitted in mine. When your legs would wrap around me as I lifted you in my arms. Holding on to mommy, never letting go. 

The evenings we spend reading, each one of you slowly working the words out until letters became sentences, lines became paragraphs. Each growing and learning in your own unique wonderful way. 

I remember our random danceathons or when you all decided to play make up. 

I so remember your siblings arguments it was also someone’s else’s fault. You all raged against each other promising never to speak again only moments later you filled the house with laughter and each other’s arms with cuddles. 

I remember your kindness the way you all cared for your sister. Nothing was to much, holding her hand when she was seizuring to endless hours at her hospital bed. 

I remember your heartache, your brokenness at her loss. 

I truly remember your bravery each one of you choosing to reach out and love on others when it would have been so easier to stay closed and safe.

I remember how amazing my girls are. 

I know how incredible my girls are. 

I remember how blessed I felt when each one of you were born and I know how blessed I am today.

My girls you aren’t babies anymore, you are strong incredible beautiful women.

  
I am so proud of all that you have become and so excited for what the future holds for you all. 
I admire your strengths, your individuality.

All moving forward in your own direction, finding yourselves in this crazy world.

You are my heart, my greatest achievement. 

Kennedy, Eden, Brodie never forget how much I love you.

Olivia you are the missing piece of my heart. One day we will be together again.

To my beautiful incredible boys, you may not have been born from my body but you were certainly born in my heart. Thank you for allowing me to love you. 

Mother’s Day is special we celebrate our moms and all they do. 

I want to celebrate those that made me complete. 

Made me a mother.

My beautiful children

There is good 

Have you ever wanted to hide away from the way you feel.

As if your mind cannot actually face what is happening around you. 

I know I have felt this way numerous times. 

When I lost Livvy for sure. I remember the doctor talking to me but I don’t remember the words. I just couldn’t handle what they were saying. 

Sometimes I feel this way about the world, with the news full of war, disease and politics. 

When I hear of heinous things humans are doing to each other.

Hearts broken

Lives taken 

Souls destroyed.

I really don’t get it.

How some can ignore the pain of others?

How can the lives of some hold less value that others.

Its blamed on religion, ethnicity and so much more but to me it’s simple.

It’s wrong.

We are all the same.

We are all one.

If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? 
William Shakespeare

I cannot stay focused on the evil of this world. 
My mind just cannot handle it anymore.

I need to stay focused, more forward and leave the negativity in the past.

There is good in this world and I want to celebrate it. 

I want to fill my heart and my head with the celebrations of life. 

The kind, the happy and the joyful.

  

Feeling reflective

Sometimes we have to accept that life isn’t going to go according to plan.

That people aren’t going to stay in your life even if you want them to.

Life moves on, circumstances change and people grow apart.

This doesn’t mean you feel any ill will or wish any harm.

It’s just the acceptance of the ever evolving crazy thing we call life.

 

I’ve been thinking a lot about my future and what I want for it.

Devising my plans, aims and goals.

Yet as always as I look forward I to find myself looking back.

Being reflective isn’t a bad thing it helps you understand your journey and how you got to where you are now.

But allowing the past to hold your future to ransom is never a good thing.

 

So today I am being reflective.

I am sending out love and thanks to those I have met along the way.

I am also aching a little (a lot) for those that are missing.

But I am stepping forward.

Stepping into the great exciting place we call the future.

Excited for the journeys I have yet to take

For the people I have yet to meet

and of course for the memories I have yet to make.

Painting with brighter colours.

I have been avoiding the news for the last few days.

I just cannot take the horror anymore.

Terrorism, diseases, murder, and so much more.

It’s not as if i don’t know its happening of course I do.

I guess i just want to hide away a little.

I watched an episode of Criminal minds the other evening and the investigators were talking about their desire to watch cute videos of little kittens, cute puppies and baby hippos.

Their need to switch the horrific images their jobs brings with cute innocent ones.

I get that.

Not that my job is anything as graphic.

I just understand the need to believe in cute fluffy unicorns for a while.

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I personally don’t subscribe to the sweet animal images.

I prefer messages and videos of hope.

Thats why this week I have been watching videos like this…

 

 

 

Viewing images like these…

 

And

Reading about amazing teenagers like this.

And wrapping myself up in the good in the world.

 

Your attitude is like a box of crayons that colour your world. Constantly colour your picture grey, and your picture will always be bleak. Try adding some bright colours to the picture by including humour, and your picture begins to lighten up.

Allen Klein.

 

 

So this week I am not actually taking time from the world.

I’m just choosing to paint my life with bright beautiful colours.

 

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Abstract Watercolor Hand Painted Background” by bearvader

Sometimes you have to fight to be happy.

Someone once told me that “happiness is a choice”.

I’m not sure if I fully grasped at the time what they meant but over the last five years I have had to choose.

Choose to be happy. 

You see emotions are like waves, sometime’s they can be calm and peaceful.

Yet at moments they can be raging against the elements, wild and unforgiving.

waves

 

Grief especially is a whirlpool.

It tries it’s hardest to suck you down into the depths of despair.

So I have had to fight.

Fight to be happy.

And you know what thats ok.

I’ve learned a great lesson in life

That happiness isn’t a given.

You have to look for it

At times you really have to search for it.

You have to remind yourself that darkness is only the absence of light.

So you have to look for that light.

I call that light hope.

I find the light in my children’s laughter.

Listening to their plans and dreams for the future.

It’s there in memories that I hold dear to my heart.

Never forgetting the strength and courage of the one I have lost.

I find my light in the knowledge that life is for living.

That I have to make each moment count.

It’s there in the promise that one day I will hold my daughter again.

Sometimes life gets does get hard and I find myself fighting against the waves.

Frightened that I’m drowning.

But I still search for the light.

The promise of a new day.

The chance to make another memory.

I remind myself that although the whirlpool will never leave me.

I don’t have to let it consume me.

Keep swimming

Ride the waves

Tomorrow is always a chance for hope.

tomorrow

Choose happiness 

 

 

 

January blues

Crap crap and crap, I have the January blues.

It’s been a weird start to 2014 and I do have a hell of a lot to be grateful for, but besides all this Right now I’m feeling a little low.

I’m reading a lot of articles, blogs, status’s and tweets full of exciting new year plans and all I can think is “yeah whatever”

My get up and go has certainly got up and gone.

I need some direction right now. A deadline, a plan. Just something to give me the gigantic kick up the bum that I need.

I have started my new fitness plan, I’ve been in the pool twice this week and loved it.

But to be honest I don’t think its about the external more the internal.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this week and sometimes that isn’t a good thing.

Dreams I had as a child, the hopes, the expectations.

Questioning what I have achieved.

Missing what I have lost.

January blues

Please go away you aren’t welcome here.