Who am I?

On July 24, 2022July 24, 2022 By rebelwithkindnessIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Who am I?

If you had asked me this question in March or even April I would have told you I’m a mom, a wife, a foster carer so in fact I would have told you who I am to other people. All moments or roles I love to be but I couldn’t see me. As a mom to a child with complex needs to forge yourself something beyond this is hard and if you have achieved this go you. But I was content and so so happy just loving and caring on my beautiful boy Daniel. Losing him has broken my heart but as well of the agony of grief and the endlessness of missing it has also thrown me into a pit of discovery. I’m using the word pit because (A) I didn’t want to be here and (B) I am literally having to climb out.

I don’t remember not caring for someone, it’s been probably the most obvious trait to describe me for decades. Some people get described by their sense of style, their humour, their fiery temper, me I care a lot, I love hard. Not something I’m ashamed of at all I’m proud of my ability to love hard but I haven’t ever explored a life where I didn’t hold that role.

Well until now.

Losing Daniel has changed me in so many ways. My heart is broken and that’s not going to heal anytime soon but it’s also made me face a decision I could never of imagined before. How to stop!

How i need to care for myself right now, how my heart needs to heal. Obviously I’m not going to change over night and of course I have three amazing girls and some equally lovely partners of theirs to love upon. But this is a love that doesn’t have a need attached to it. They are all so beautifully grown and independent so I get to love on them without having the dependance. Right now I have no one depending on me and it’s scary as hell but yet I am learning it can be liberating.

Just want to put a disclaimer here and say that I miss Daniel and Livvy with every piece of my heart, every ounce of my soul and I would give anything to have them back in my arms. Oh my I would give anything to have that gorgeous boy of many faces smiling upon me again. Or the girl with the mischievous spirit making me blush as she flirted openly with any man she felt was handsome. I would give anything and everything.

But life hasn’t played fair and this cannot be and until I meet them both again I have to learn to live again, live again for them but also because I deserve to as well.

So back to the pit climbing, here I am on a journey where I’m going to have to learn to live a life very different from the one I had planned. Slowly but slowly I am making my way out of the pit, sometimes I climb up and the walls give in and I end up smack back down at the bottom again but I will climb and I continue to climb , I don’t do giving in, how could I after the inspirational children I’ve had the blessing to learn from.

Right now I am facing so many different experiences, emotions, situations and at times they can feel overwhelming and scary. After working side by side with my husband for over 15 years we are now both separating out into different career pathways. Alan has been working hard and pushing his boundaries for the last few weeks. I have watched him struggle, to grief, to push forward and to prove to himself that he can and I’m so proud of him. I have just had a conditional offer on a position that will see me working in field I have wanted to work in since I was teenager, so yes quite a while. I still in fact have to pinch myself that I am going to work in this field as it has been a dream of mine for such a long time but always felt just out of reach. Even in this pit I can feel the excitement and anticipation of this new role. Yes the excitement brings me guilt but this grief journey is a right evil it never plays fair.

So who am I?

I’ve decided that right now I’m a work in progress. I’m a grieving mom this will me for eternity but I’m going to still strive for purpose, for joy. I’m still going to try and make the magic in the moments, partly to honour the gift of Daniel and Livvy but also because I know that’s what they would want for me and it’s what I deserve. I’m going to care that’s who I am, loving hard is my set position I won’t ever apologise for this. I am proud of this and as a wonderful wise woman told me loving hard also means I grieve hard and that’s ok my beautiful children are worth my grief, my pain, my missing. I’m going to strive for purpose but in a way that it doesn’t consume who I am anymore. People will always be able to depend on me, but not be dependent on me. I’m going to live life in which ever way that’s looks like, I mean right now if I’m honest I haven’t got a clue. But maybe the unknowing is part of the journey, who knows. I am blessed to be surrounded by wonderful people who are ready and willing to pull me out of the pit over and over again. Friends that really want to hear my heart, family who love unconditionally.

None of us know how long we have left on this planet and I know and have experienced this only too well, but I’m going to live, learn and love.

So who am I?

Who knows?

Let’s wait and see.

Reflective practice

On October 4, 2015 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

At university we are studying the art of reflective practice and I am absolutely loving it.

“Reflective practice is a dialogue of thinking and doing through which I become more skilful.” Donald Schön

I think it’s should be taught everywhere in schools and especially to those getting married.

I mean how incredible would it be if our partners ( or ourselves) sat down after an argument and reality reflected.

What happened?

Why did it happen?

How did you react?

How did you feel?

What would you do if it happened again?

What if my darling (annoying) husband sat back after one our numerous arguments about him not remembering things and thought, this argument happened because I couldn’t be bothered to write a date in my diary. The wife was annoyed, I got defensive and shouted, I then felt like crap. So if I remembered to remember it may not happen again.

What if my girls who have now just screamed and shouted about how I’m ruining their lives reflected on this. I was asked to bring my bacterial growth experiments otherwise known as my bowls and cups from my bedroom down to the dishwasher. I was asked numerous times, the last time my mom warned me I would lose my mobile for an hour. I couldn’t be bothered to bring them down and now I have lost my phone. I feel angry and annoyed but on reflection next time mom asks I may just do it.

See how awesome reflective practice is.

To be truthful this is only scratching the surface, I am so looking forward to learning more about the practice as I think it’s an invaluable tool to be used. But I honestly think it’s something we could all really use in life.

Like right now as I’m sitting here feeling sick from the chocolate I have just eaten maybe if I had reflected on this a few weeks ago I may not again be sitting here feeling yucky, but then again it is chocolate so maybe not.

Twenty years on, do I love him like I did?

On May 23, 2015 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I was chatting to someone a few days back and they said something that really made me think. They told me they loved their husband the same as when they first met them. This got me thinking.

Do I love my husband the same way?
It’s been twenty years since our first date, do I love him like I did then?

My answer

Dear Alan

From the moment I saw you I think I loved you, no matter how hard I tried to deny it you were in my heart forever.
When you asked me to marry you my heart finally felt complete.

The day I became your wife I questioned if I could ever love another as I love you.

Still twenty years on I have to admit I don’t love you like I did then.

You don’t make my heart skip a beat anymore at the sound of your voice.

My skin doesn’t tingle when you reach out for me.

It’s not the same

It’s so much better

I look back over our 20 years, over all we have been through and how I know I couldn’t have survived it all without you.

My heart may not skip beats at the sound of your voice but my soul feels a peace it only knows from you.

My skin may not tingle at your touch but my whole body burns to be close to you, connected with you.

20 years ago I didn’t think I could love you more, but I do. Gone is the flirty lust filled love and in its place is a deep emotional connection.

We are so different you and I.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. My mouth opens quicker than my brain engages. I stress the little things, the big things and those in between.

It used to frustrate me how laid back you are, now I see you are the calm to my storm. You are the peace to my hurricane.

Life has blessed us and hurt us. I have found myself falling into the depths of despair only stopping in my freefall by the strength and love you have wrapped around me like a safety cradle keeping me safe.

I watch you grow each day. Taking on challenges, pushing yourself. It makes me so proud to call you mine. You encourage me to reach out for my dreams, always supporting me on the sidelines.

My heart is full from the way you care for our children. Ones ours from birth others ours by heart. Nothing is too much to make them happy. Your girls have you wrapped around their fingers. Your boy looks up to you his eyes saying “that’s my daddy”.

I think of the children we have still yet to meet, how lucky they will be to call you dad.

The last 20 years have been one heck of a ride. But if I had to do it all again I would in a heartbeat as long as you were there by my side.

Marriage is a crazy thing, I’m sure no one has all the answers. I’m just glad I got to face the questions with you.

I don’t love you like I did when we first met.

No I love you so much more.

Thanks for putting up with this crazy girl.

Here’s to the next 20.