A little tense

On July 8, 2015 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

My home is full of tension right now.

My eldest daughter is home from university and we are all slowly trying to find our places again.

Where we fit in the dynamics of the house.

I do feel for her, university was complete freedom. Pretty much getting to do want you want as long as you get your work done and maybe attend a few lectures. Having her own her own room, working to her own timetable.

I’m so proud of the way she has thrived at university. Completely independent with only the few “I need” phone calls.

So yes coming home to having to share a room with your sister (such hardship) must not be easy. Having to abide by family rules like , put your bowl in the dishwasher (strict parent here).

No truly I do appreciate its hard all sarcasm aside.

Yet still we all have to learn to give a bit.

Her sister needs to stop hating her for making her share a room.

My youngest needs to stop emulating her older sisters one stropping at a time is enough. I also want her to stay 14 for a while, she is my baby. OK I know 14 isn’t a baby but as my last own she always will be my baby.

I also know I have to learn to relax more.

Switch off from the arguments and stop trying to fix things and keep everyone happy.

I just want my home to be peaceful, to be a place my children what to return too, not the battle zone it feels like now.

To be truthful it’s getting to me.

My children are growing up and yes I raised them to be feisty independent women and now it feels like that is biting me on the butt.

I know growing up isn’t easy, hey I still struggle at nearly 40.

It’s hard finding your place in the world.

I understand it’s a life stage, that in a few years I will look back with laughter at the drama. It will become an affectionate memory just as the exhausting toddler years are now.

I know as a family we will survive this, we have already survived a hell of a lot more.

Still this mom is tired.

Tired of breaking up arguments.

Tired of feeling guilty that my home isn’t big enough for them to have their own rooms.

Tired of not being good enough.

So girls if you do ever read mom’s blog please know that I love you all with all my heart,

But seriously if the squabbling continues you all will be outside in the tent.

My daughter is at university and i don’t miss her.

On October 28, 2014 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Ok maybe the title of the post was a little inflammatory but it is partly true.

You see my daughter is at university and yes whilst I do miss her I am glad she is gone.

Why?

Its simple she is living her dream.

The destiny her father and I have wanted for her.

She is studying at the university she wanted to attend.

She is loving the subject of her degree

She has made some amazing friends and is having masses of fun.

I am so proud of all she has achieved.

I am super excited for all the future has in store for her.

She is living her life to the full and i am loving watching her grow and change into a beautiful woman.

She is independent and feisty and I love it.

I love her.

It’s not about missing her.

It’s part of parenting.

We raise them and hope and pray we have instilled in them wisdom and strength.

Then we let them go.

It’s the bird flying the nest.

The continuance of life.

It isn’t easy but its not about me, its not about us her parents.

It’s about my child who is now taking the next step on her life’s journey.

As a mother I wouldn’t want anything more than to see my child fulfil her dreams.

So yes I am missing her,

But I am so proud of her for living her dream.

Dear Kennedy, when your daughter goes to university.

On September 20, 2014 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Dear Kennedy

I can’t believe that we dropped you off at university yesterday.

I wasn’t sure how I would feel.

Its been a rocky road the last few months a lot of arguments and clashes.

I guess its the normal teenage desires to be an adult fighting with the mothering instinct to keep you safe.

I have jokingly said I couldn’t wait for this moment but I was wrong.

It was harder than I imagined.

Driving away from the university leaving you behind was awful.

It honestly felt as if i was losing control.

I guess I am.

From the moment I gave birth the instinct to protect you was paramount.

Every decision I make is about keeping you safe.

Now I have to let you go and just pray that i have raised you well and that you will keep yourself safe.

Arrrahhhh its hard.

Harder than I imagined.

Kennedy you are my first born, everything I have learned about being a mom has come from you first.

The sleepless nights, the endless feeding to the stroppy teenage tantrums and the “ I know betters”.

Enjoy this next stage in your life sweetheart.

Grab every opportunity and live life to the full.

At times you have drove me to distraction but I am so proud of you baby girl.

You have wanted to be a history teacher for so long and now you are on the first step towards your dream.

Work hard and have fun.

Know that although we are a distance away you are never far from my thoughts.

May this be your stepping stone to your dreams.

Love you to the moon, stars and back again.

Be safe

Mom xxx

A mom or a referee?

On July 9, 2014 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Sometimes I feel less like a mother and more like a referee.

Always negotiating, enforcing rules.

ID-100252343 — *Image courtesy of vectorolie / FreeDigitalPhotos.net*

Everyone warned me that it could be like this but I never expected a war zone to be found in my living room.

I love my girls and while I accept that growing up and finding their freedom is part of life’s journey. I’m not happy that they have decided each day is an opportunity for a battle.

How can they go from being best friends to worst enemies?

Seriously it’s driving me mad.

I am proud I have raised such independent spirited young woman but hey please let them take on the world and leave their poor mama alone.

I am tired and emotionally shattered with this parenting stage.

Reminiscing and yearning for the days of night feeds and dirty nappies. I may have been exhausted back then but at least they didn’t answer back so much.

I know its a stage that all go through and one day my beautiful kind caring girls will return and the dragon headed all knowing beautiful monsters will disappear but its so not easy.

*Image courtesy of AKARAKINGDOMS / FreeDigitalPhotos.net*

I recognise this year is going to one of big changes, university, college it certainly is going to bring a new dynamic to the relationships of the girls.

A new dimension in their sisterhood.

I’m praying a little space will make hearts grow fonder.

Who knows?

I guess until then I will resign myself to the role of mediator for a little longer.

So does anyone have a whistle?

Spreading their wings.

On April 22, 2014 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I’m throwing in the towel.

Where school holidays and the older two teenagers are concerned.

I seriously give up.

Nothing ever pleases them.

Nothing is right.

One doesn’t want to go out.

One doesn’t want to do childish things.

So I’m giving up trying to find things that make all happy.

The older teens can just bog off and that’s me being polite.

My younger two have the right to do things they enjoy and what the older two used to enjoy before they grew up into annoying pains.

So no more.

We are going to have fun without them.

Their choice not mine.

It’s not easy letting go but its time.

They need to spread their wings and I need to allow the younger two to be young.

I knew this time would come.

Just wish I was ready for it.

My greatest decision.

On January 3, 2014 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, Uncategorized3 Comments

My twelve year old daughter lies beside me. Her gentle snores whisper through the night. Cuddles and stories have led to her falling asleep beside me. It’s so very special and so very missed.

Nights of stories and cuddles were swapped for iPhones and DVDs.

Telling me all about her day changed to a closed door and the tapping of keys.

My girls are growing up and I’m afraid. Afraid they will no longer want to sleep in my arms.

Share their dreams and adventures.

My eldest reaches adulthood this year and my heart is filled with fear.
I have to let her go, watch her spread her wings and fly. University, leaving home, independence.

I am so proud of my girls even when their teenage tantrums drive me insane.

But letting go isn’t easy.

Motherhood is the greatest gift I have ever been given.

But as I watch my daughter sleep I realise something. I’m not losing my daughters as they grow. I’m gaining young beautiful woman who will set the world alight in whatever they wish to do.

With their sweet hearts they will love on others and bless this world.

They will grow and age but they will also live and learn.

The whole world is there for them to explore. Life becomes the greatest adventure.

And I will be their biggest fan, watching, waiting, supporting them in all they wish to achieve.

Yes there comes a time when they have to leave home.

But

They will never leave my heart.

And as for cuddles at bedtime my arms are always open wide for my beautiful girls.

My greatest decision

Sweet Seventeen

On June 19, 2013 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, Uncategorized2 Comments

I cannot believe that today you my baby are old enough to drive.

Where has those 17 years gone?

How quick does it seem since you were like this.

You have faced so many things in your 17 years. Things no child should face, yet you has done so with such grace.

The last year hasn’t been easy for us. You fighting for your independence me holding on scared to let you grow, go.

You are an inspiration to me.

Your determination, your drive are all things are admire so much.

I love the way you sing everywhere, the shower, eating your dinner even shopping. I did say everywhere.

The next year is going to be one of many changes, A levels, university placement choosing.

Big changes.

Wherever and whatever the next year brings I will always be in your corner.

Love you lady to the moon, stars and back again.

Happy 17th birthday

My beautiful big girl.

My baby is now a senior

On September 5, 2012 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

That’s it no more school run!

My baby is now officially a senior.

I can’t believe how grown up
She looks all dressed up in her uniform.

My eldest is now in 6th form, my 2nd in year 10 and my baby in year 7.

How did this happen?

No playground duty, no school drop offs or pick ups.

I only have to wave them off.

I’m not liking it at all.

What do our children have to grow up?

End of an Era

On July 19, 2012 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, Uncategorized2 Comments

I watched my daughters school play today, it was based on the Olympics and was really good and very humorous. My husband, I and my mom had a great time.

Yet as I was sitting there watching the stage full of year 6 I was struck by the fact that this week brings an end to an era for us known as primary education.

This week I have watched my last primary school play, will attend my last leavers service and will soon be doing my final school run.

All my babies are actually now fully fledged senior school children. How in the world did that happen?

It only feels like yesterday I was crying on the school playground as I watched my daughter enter the classroom for her first day at school, 7 years on, here I am.

Now I’m going to say this all loosely because as you all know I dream of adoption so if my dreams become reality one day I will be doing this all again, though of course a little different as I will hopefully one day adopt a special needs child.

But I’m regressing again in the here and now this is a big thing for me, no more school runs, no more school playground politics this it.

I will be waving all four off at the door in September.

What shall I do with the time?

Will I use the time saved by not having to do the school run to stay on top of the housework?

Yeah like thats going to happen.

Maybe I will get my paperwork in order and blog posts out on time.

Errrrmmm, we will see.

I haven’t a clue, to be honest the time will probably get lost in the norm.

The real thing I have to get my head around is that my baby is no longer a baby.

She is off to senior school.

Not sure I like the idea of her being in that big place surrounded by those evil beings we call teenagers.

No seriously ,I’m not that worried she has had plenty of practice with her sisters.

Senior school is going to be a great thing for Brodie, her desire to learn is great so hopefully this will encouraged and nurtured.

As for me I will be a brave mommy and wont cry as I stand on that playground for the last time. Wont blubber all the way through the leaving service even when she sings her solo.

I will be a brave mommy who looks forward to the freedom of no school runs and the opportunity to stay in my pjs all morning and catch an extra hour in bed.

Ok maybe thats a big fib, I will be sobbing and refusing to accept my baby is growing up, but isn’t that a mothers right?

My Sleeping Gifts

On July 4, 2012 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I watched my daughters school play today, it was based on the Olympics and was really good and very humorous. My husband, I and my mom had a great time.

Yet as I was sitting there watching the stage full of year 6 I was struck by the fact that this week brings an end to an era for us known as primary education.

This week I have watched my last primary school play, will attend my last leavers service and will soon be doing my final school run.

All my babies are actually now fully fledged senior school children. How in the world did that happen?

It only feels like yesterday I was crying on the school playground as I watched my daughter enter the classroom for her first day at school, 7 years on, here I am.

Now I’m going to say this all loosely because as you all know I dream of adoption so if my dreams become reality one day I will be doing this all again, though of course a little different as I will hopefully one day adopt a special needs child.

But I’m regressing again in the here and now this is a big thing for me, no more school runs, no more school playground politics this it.

I will be waving all four off at the door in September.

What shall I do with the time?

Will I use the time saved by not having to do the school run to stay on top of the housework?

Yeah like thats going to happen.

Maybe I will get my paperwork in order and blog posts out on time.

Errrrmmm, we will see.

I haven’t a clue, to be honest the time will probably get lost in the norm.

The real thing I have to get my head around is that my baby is no longer a baby.

She is off to senior school.

Not sure I like the idea of her being in that big place surrounded by those evil beings we call teenagers.

No seriously ,I’m not that worried she has had plenty of practice with her sisters.

Senior school is going to be a great thing for Brodie, her desire to learn is great so hopefully this will encouraged and nurtured.

As for me I will be a brave mommy and wont cry as I stand on that playground for the last time. Wont blubber all the way through the leaving service even when she sings her solo.

I will be a brave mommy who looks forward to the freedom of no school runs and the opportunity to stay in my pjs all morning and catch an extra hour in bed.

Ok maybe thats a big fib, I will be sobbing and refusing to accept my baby is growing up, but isn’t that a mothers right?

Do you remember the moment you first lay your newborn down to sleep?

Did you stand there and watch the gentle rising of her chest?

Just wallowing in the wonder of parenthood.

That beautiful precious child is yours.

A gift from God

I still wallow in this gift.

I stand and watch my girls sleep and revel in the innocence of the land of dreams.

No stress of exams or SATs of boys and friendships.

Just peace.

I love checking in on my girls and night and seeing them like this.

My babies, my world, my gifts.