Sweet Seventeen

I cannot believe that today you my baby are old enough to drive.

Where has those 17 years gone?

How quick does it seem since you were like this.

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You have faced so many things in your 17 years. Things no child should face, yet you has done so with such grace.

The last year hasn’t been easy for us. You fighting for your independence me holding on scared to let you grow, go.

You are an inspiration to me.

Your determination, your drive are all things are admire so much.

I love the way you sing everywhere, the shower, eating your dinner even shopping. I did say everywhere.

The next year is going to be one of many changes, A levels, university placement choosing.

Big changes.

Wherever and whatever the next year brings I will always be in your corner.

Love you lady to the moon, stars and back again.

Happy 17th birthday

My beautiful big girl.

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Fall – Five minute Friday

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It’s hard work at times being a Mom.

Watching you journey in this world and trying so hard to protect you.

It was so much easier when you were little. Holding your hands and keeping you safe.

Now you are well on your way to becoming young women.

Wanting to explore further a field.

Wanting your own independence.

I have to stand back a little now.

Like a mother bird watching her chick spread his wings to fly.

I can only watch and pray over you.

I have to trust you to the one that’s loves you so much too.

Trust you to the teaching and truth your father and I gave to you.

Whatever you go though my sweet precious girls remember this.

I am always on your team.

I am always by your side.

Life will be full of twists and turns.

Heart moving movements along with heartbreaks.

Again I promise you this

If you ever fall, I will be there to help you up.

…………………………………………………..

Again I’m joining in with Lisa Jo’s Five minute Friday

Writing for five minutes with no editing with the one word prompt. This weeks word being Fall.

Go check out the link and maybe join in yourself.

An inspirational night

On Saturday I attended a spring ball
held at the Queens hotel in Leeds a beautiful and very regal hotel. With stunning architecture and incredible rooms.
The reason I attended this ball was to help raise funds for charities that I am passionate to support, Special kids in the UK being one of them.

Yet this ball was extra special as it honoured a beautiful little girl Lucy Mai.

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Four years ago last november Dean and Annie and my husband and I faced the worst thing that could ever happen to a parent. The loss of a child. Within a week of each other we lost Livvy and they lost Lucy Mai.

Within a week our hearts were forever broken.

We began on the journey nobody ever wishes to start.

The year after our loss Dean and Alan invited Alan and I to the Lucy Mai’s Spring Ball. To join them as they raise funds in celebration of the life and the gift of Lucy Mai.

Now I can tell you that we didn’t attend due to money issues, child care etc but the truth is we didn’t have the strength.

You see to be part of the world of special needs when you have a child with disabilities is hard.

Yet to stay part of the world when your connection to it is lost is truly courageous.

And that is what Dean and Annie are , truly courageous.

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So four years on we finally found the strength to attend.

We were there on Saturday raising funds in memory of Lucy Mai. A beautiful young girl who was a gift to her parents and to all that knew her.

We there to raise funds to support charities that are lifelines to parents with children with disabilities. Each in its own way giving strength to many on this hard journey.

I know that Dean and Annie would tell you that they don’t do this all alone. That they have an amazing team behind them and yes to that team I say thank you.

But to Dean and Annie I want to say this.

“I’m sure Lucy Mai is looking down on you both with such pride.

You are a amazing couple who have faced heartache with such grace and courage.

I think I write on behalf of many when I say thank you for all that you do.

But I write on a personal level when I say that you both rock and that you both are inspirational”

Saturday night was a memorable night in so many ways.

I’m praying the night raised lots of money.

I’m also praying Dean and Annie realise how truly amazing they are.

Booksneeze – Grace

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I am a fan of Max Lucado’s books and have many including his children’s books so i was excited to read and review his book Grace.

I really found myself being challenged by this book, having to reread parts again wondering if I had really understood what I was reading.

Grace is something I have struggled with I try to earn it. Max drove home that Grace is given and by trying to earn it I’m taking away the beauty of this amazing gift.

My believing that I have to be perfect to receive God’s love is not understanding the enormity of the cross.

In this book Max doesn’t hold his punches, he takes my, our excuses and tears them into and shows them up as the lies of the enemy.

The book holds us to account over our overuse of the word Grace without any real understanding.

The study guide is an extra gift that I have enjoyed working my way through.

I recommend this book as another Max Lucado book worth having.

Struggling with Grace

I struggle with the promise of Grace.

In my life it has felt that nothing is given freely

Somehow or sometime or something is expected in return.

So trusting that Grace is mine isn’t easy for me to accept.

I’m still striving to earn it, to be worthy of it, to deserve it.

But you know what I mess up, sometime I mess up so bad I can’t understand how grace can be given.

Yet the bible tells me that my sins are already forgiven and my future ones too.

This messes up my mind,

Yet when I look to my daughters and no matter how much they drive me insane.

No matter how many disappointments I face

I never will stop loving them.

I don’t need them to earn my love, it’s unconditional

This is grace, Gods unconditional love.

The love of a father.

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The Early Days

I recently came across a blog called Sufficient Grace Ministries, is a place dedicated to supporting , encouraging and walking alongside women who have lost a child. I have found it a place where I can delve into the words of others who really understand, who know my heart.

They have a place on this blog called Walking with Grace, where others get to share stories, memories and moments of their journeys. This time we are asked to share the early days of our journey.

Here is my story, my early days…

I can remember the day like I was yesterday. Everything was planned, we were going to an ice skating competition with our daughter Eden. Livvy was well, it hadn’t crossed our mind as we awoke that morning that this day would be the worst day of our lives.

It was so early 4am in the morning, my parents had drove over to care for Kennedy, Livvy and Brodie while we were gone. All was fine but I just couldn’t leave without my kisses, it was going to be a long day I needed my kisses off my girls.

I entered Livvys room opened the doors to her bed and kissed her, she was so still, so very still.

To be honest from here on its becomes a blur I remember screaming for Alan and that we started CPR and an ambulance was called. The paramedics were working on her and quickly loaded her up into the ambulance. I couldn’t breathe, it all felt like some crazy nightmare that I was desperate to wake up from.

The journey down to the hospital felt like it was forever, I just wanted to get there and hold my baby. Alan had travelled in the ambulance but I hadn’t been allowed so my stepfather drove me.

Ushered into a small room i just sat there holding Alan’s hand for dear life, praying so hard. Please please God save my baby, save my precious daughter.

As the Doctor walked in to that room the look on her face was enough, “I’m so sorry.”

I think I screamed, I think I begged, I know I fell apart.

My baby she was only nine, she hadn’t been poorly, she had been ill before but the drs had always saved her. Please save her again.

It wasn’t to be, as I entered the room where she lay I didn’t want to believe she had gone, she looked so peaceful so happy. It was this peacefulness that brought me an inch of comfort, you see her illness had robbed her of complete peace all her life, Rett syndrome the monster.

I stroked her curly blond hair, I couldn’t get over the smile on her face. She looked so happy. I’ve offered wondered at this, knowing as I do that she is with Jesus the joy she must have felt as she walked towards our saviour. Was this the reason for that smile?

The longer I sat there the calmer I began to feel,in was the numbness, the shock hitting my soul. My heart broke there and then a piece missing never to be complete again in this lifetime.

My mind started wandering to her sisters, I had left them at home with my mom, what did they know?How were they coping? I was torn between two places being there with Livvy or going home to her sisters.

The dr then told us we had to leave, although Livvy had this evil syndrome her death was unexpected, tests had to be run.

I had to go, I had to leave. It took all I had to walk away, not knowing when I would see her again. Eternity seemed too far away.

I think I switched off more and more with each step as I walked away from Livvy. Part of my soul was dying, the old me slipping away never to be found again. I was a grieving mother, I had lost a child. Could I ever come back from this? Would I survive it?

The next days seem to just melt into moments and falling tears. I just held on to my girls for dear life, didn’t want them to leave my side. Throwing myself into research on the best way to help children face loss. I had to save their souls, they were to young to face such pain, to young to lose hope.

I needed to show them that Livvy wanted them to laugh, to love. To hold on to our precious memories and to smile at the blessing Livvy had been to our life. Reassure them that she was safe in Jesus’ arms.

Livvy had shown so much courage in her short life, I only prayed I could show a little myself.

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Three years on its still raw, maybe I didn’t allow the emotions out then, maybe it’s the way it is.

I’m confused at the theory behind the five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I have days of each of those, today it’s acceptance, tomorrow it may be anger. It’s a journey I never planned a life I never chose.

I hold on to the promise of eternity and to Jesus’ words. That’s my tool for survival.

It’s simply one moment at a time. Walking in his grace.

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Empty Corridors

I walked through the entrance and already the pain was overfilling in my heart, seeping out through my veins straight to my mind. My heart was racing so quick the ache burning deep into my soul.

Flashes of images in my mind of what should have been. Anger at what wasn’t to be.

The dear lady showed us round, it’s a wonderful place. You can feel the children’s joy, you can see their happiness in the colourful artwork that adorns the walls.

Yet all I can hear is the distance echo of footfall that will never be heard in these corridors.

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I’m doing ok, the false smile plastered across my face, the school is wonderful so much to offer, so much to give.

Then my heart stops mid beat, there on the lockers before me are photos of her two best friends. They were once a trio now only the duo is heard.

“each child has their own locker” I’m told. “not mine” I scream silently.

Our visit comes to an end, did she feel my pain as she shook my hand?

I stumble to the car before the tears are allowed to fall. “drive please” I beg my husband.

My heart opens and gut wrenching sobs escape. I cannot breathe for the heartache.

“she never went there”. Alan states, “we have no memories here”. It’s true, his words are the truth. Yet that’s why the anger consumes me. Why the knives are stabbing deep into my soul.

So many places she didn’t get to go, so many things she didn’t get to do.

The “why ” forms on my tongue but not spoken. “why not” I guess is my answer.

Why not my child!

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I hold on tight to the grace of our Lord, I know he hears my anger ,catches my tears.

I give thanks for the life she got to live. The places she got to go. The memories I have to cherish.

My heart aches so desperately but I remind myself that this life is just a blink of an eye in the truth of eternity.

Yes it was a wonderful place I visited today, but it cannot compare to the beauty of heaven. I allow this knowledge to become the healing balm for my soul.

I give thanks.

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