Never the same

So Christmas is upon us and I am going crazy with lists, shopping, concerts, carol services and so much more.

Yet deep in my soul I am aching. Aching so deep the caverns in the earths core know my name.

The missing of Olivia at times is so very overwhelming that I cannot let myself go and fall into the whole spirit of the season.


My joy is tinged with a sadness that will not release me.

I buy presents for four children yet not for my blond haired blue eyes beauty.

I pack stockings but the one baring the name Olivia stays empty.

I’m trying to lift my head and be thankful for the season.

To remember the true reason for this celebration.

The gift of the birth of Jesus.

The hope in that stables birth.

Hope of eternal life.

Hope I can only find in my faith.

Peace in the promise.

Missing Olivia is so hard. Even now five years on the brokenness is so very raw.

I wait for it to become easier but it won’t!

How can it be?

How can my heart ever beat to the same tune of five years past?

How can I ever be the same again?

Will Christmas ever been the same again?

Will anything be the same again?

It cannot be.

Because simply


Panasonic ES-Sl4 men’s electric shaver -Review

With Christmas fast approaching you may be searching for that perfect gift for your husband, son, brother.

Maybe I can help you in your quest here is the Panasonic ES-SL4-A electric shaver with its Milano 3-Blade system A Wet & Dry Men’s Shaver with Arc Foil (Italian Design)


Imagine a shave so soft and close it feels like a kiss. Our new Milan designed ES -SL41 glides over the curves of your face giving you such a gentle shave. On the run, or under the shower, the „Milano“ Wet/Dry shaver offers a close, quick, comfortable shave. The Milano’s easy to clean, water-through head, ensures hygiene and functionality – giving you a fresh shave every day. Experience an exceptionally close shave without the scrapes and discomfort of traditional wet shaving. Start your day with an arousing Panasonic experience.

I was given one of these to review for Panasonic and considering I don’t have the facial hair required for the job I roped in the husband and he became my human Guinea pig.

The first thing Alan requested was that I allowed him a few weeks to test out this shaver it seems that your skin reacts differently over time and you have to allow it time to get used to the new shaver. That was fine and now a few weeks on here is Alan’s opinion on the Panasonic Shaver.

Alan’s verdict

“Using a triple blade system was new for me as I had been using circular blades previously but I was genuinely surprised at the closeness of the first shave.

I was also really impressed with how close to skin the razor was allowing me to shave more often without the dragging of my skin.

I found this shaver best to use on a daily basis and did struggle a little when I had a few days growth. But even then the shaver got there in the end.

I also liked having a wet shave with this shaver a pleasant change and left my skin feeling refreshed too.

One of my favourite things was the ease in which you can wash it, so simple.

Not a bad shaver all in all. But personally I think it’s more suited to the younger generation as at times my hair was too coarse for the blades.”

So a thumbs up from Alan.

So there you have it, fancy treating the man in your life this Christmas check out the Panasonic ES-SL41-A. Or browse the Panasonic website for some more great gift ideas for all the family.


OH my dear beautiful girl I have forgotten….


What you taught us on those endless hospital nights, when the wards seemed empty and all I could hear was the infernal beeping of those annoying but lifesaving machines and the gentle beating of your precious heart.


I’ve forgotten what I saw in those doctors eyes when the words they spoke were taking away all our tomorrows.


I’ve forgotten 


I close my eyes and try to remember, to just hear those sweet infectious giggles once again.


But I’ve forgotten.


Dad and I are tumbling head first into the world of forgetfulness, losing hold of the life that you taught us to live.


Forgetting to search for the gift that each day brings, the moment when that forever memory can be made.


I’ve forgotten 


We’ve forgotten 


Letting ourselves fall into the endless bog of circumstance and reality.


Forgetting to dance under the rainbows and search for leprechauns with a pots of gold.




Those days of random dances in the middle of a store because the song we loved was playing over the radio.


To smile at people in the street as you chuckled away from your wheelchair.


To hug each other so tight until we cannot breathe anymore.


We’ve forgotten 




When was the last time I laid back and watched the clouds


When was the last time I tickled your sisters until they cried.


My baby, my precious baby, I’ve forgotten.


I’ve let the anger of loss slowly eat away at my heart.


Getting colder and colder until the icicles formed.


Ive forgotten 


To let the tears just fall and let the heart wrenching sobs escape my soul.



I need to breathe again


I need to trust again.



But I’ve forgotten 


We knew we didn’t have forever but we had today and that was enough, but now yesterday seems so far away and this moment isn’t enough.


I want to dance in the rain again


Catch fairies as they fly through the air


I want to breathe so deep and not feel the ache thats buried there 


I haven’t forgotten



How can things be the same?


How can the world keep on turning and why wont it stop and let me off?


The newspapers keep on printing and the radio keeps on playing.



You taught us all so much and in those nine precious years you gave a lifetime full of love.


Joy was a gift that was available to us, all we just had to do was unwrap this present they call life.


Whose knows what tomorrow may bring, I certainly don’t


But I can live for today.


I can tell everyone I meet how special they are


How wonderful it is that I’ve met them


That they are not forgotten


Just by being in your presence people felt love, your smile could make someone’s day.


I want to tell people to embrace the moment, not in a morbid you may die tomorrow way, but in a hey today is so beautiful way.


Our motto for you was Never say never


You defied the odds until our luck ran out


But you are the gift that keeps on giving


You are the heart that now beats in others.


Your love lives on in me, you dad, your sisters and anyone who knew and loved you.





I miss my old life so desperately 


But I will not forget what you taught me


Each day is a gift a new beginning 


So I’m going to start unwrapping the presents that I’ve been given


Stop wishing the days away


Stop holding on to the past


I’ve not forgotten 




How can I forget,



You are right here in my heart reminding me.

In my heart.

Today is my birthday

Today is my birthday.

How different it is when you get older. Birthdays becomes less pretty and sparkly and more practical.

To be truthful, I’m not really keen on my birthday. It’s not the getting older that stresses me, just the memories of birthdays gone past.

Growing up money was tight, I have some memories, some good some bad.

I remember my 8th birthday vividly I had one of those plastic handbags and a fame outfit. I was so proud of that purple skirt and top. I danced for hours believing in the dream. I was so excited to be going to school to tell all my friends about my special day. Then my mom called me closer, “Measles” no school today. My birthday was on the Wednesday and as the week progressed by Friday I was diagnosed with German measles and the mumps. My goodness I was poorly.

So birthdays were days that came and went, my 18th was spent drunk for a week,on my 21st I was pregnant and married.

Then they began to change as my children got older the excitement returned as I celebrated my day through their eyes. The morning ritual of being woken with bouncing children on my bed. Presents and cards being thrust eagerly into my hands. Chorus’ of happy birthday ringing throughout the house.
Livvy screaming with excitement grasping at my gifts to rip the wrapping paper. Brodie trying her hardest to place them out of her reach.

Laughter returned to my day, their joy was the biggest and best birthday gift I can ask for.

Yet today is my fourth birthday without Livvy. Somehow we are struggling to bring back the sparkle to the day. We will work our way through the motions all so aware of the empty space on the bed and un ripped gifts.

So strange

So silent

So lost.

I will smile and enjoy my girls today. Cherish the love and kisses they will bestow on me. Open their gifts with the excitement they deserve.

I promise I will try.

Yet as they say, it’s the elephant in the room that tears at my heart.

I close my eyes and hear her sweet giggles and know kisses are being sent from heaven and one day our birthdays with be celebrated together again.

Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away- Unknown


Woo Hoo, I’m Going To Brit Mums Live 2012

WOO HOO, I have fantastic news, I’m going to Brit Mums Live 2012.


I’m so excited and its all down to a fantastic company called The Gift of Words.


As you all know I’m a great lover of words, it’s a running joke in my home that I follow the philosophy of ‘why use one word when four will do’.


Words can cherish, words can inspire, words can uplift. 


A letter is something you can reread over an over again.


What a perfect gift! I know its something I would love to receive. It a simple but magical gift.

So when I asked for sponsorship for Brit Mums Live I was excited to receive an email from Melissa offering me all I needed to attend this event.


So this blog post is about two things.


Firstly a great big thank you to Melissa and all at The Gift of Words for my sponsorship.


Secondly I just wanted to state that while my sponsorship came with no terms attached it is my pleasure to endorse the wonderful company The Gift of Words.


For that special mother’s day gift, the thank you to an inspiring teacher. The love letter to the man of your dreams. Check out the site, I heartily recommend it.


Vast as the universe

I realised something today, something I knew deep in my heart but not something that I really had taken on board.

You can’t go back!

It’s a simple statement but the repercussions from it are far from simple. They are as vast as the universe.


I have spend so much of my time looking back that I’ve stopped appreciating or even experiencing the now.

The irony of this statement is that Livvy the reason I look back so often actually taught me the value of the moment. The need to live in the now, the gift of the present.

She must be up there in heaven thinking “mom I’ve taught you better”.

And she would be right, she did teach me better.


Each day we live is a gift

Each morning coffee with a friend.

Every cuddle with your loved ones.

Every burst of laughter as your children play.


The joy of the moment.

The gift of that smile that lights your face when you receive a text from your dear but crazy friend.

The savouring of the fullness of your stomach as you finish your meal.

The relief of someone doing the washing up.

I have so much to be grateful for in my life. So much in the here and now. My past will never be forgotten its stays here in the present in the love of my heart.

But life isn’t meant to be lived backwards, so today I’m driving myself forward.

Into the wonder of now

The joy of the future

The promise of eternity.


Christmas overwhelms me

I’m nervous about Christmas it’s a time of year with overwhelms me. The pressure to have the perfect decorations the perfect dinner and if course making sure that the gifts are perfect for all the ones I love.

The noise level goes up at Christmas. The annoying carols that play in every shop you visit. The constant stream of adverts telling you “this is the must have toy for your child”.

Everywhere you go you are faced with bright lights and trimmings that sparkle so bright straight into a headache for me.

Cards to be written, having to check your lists twice making sure that some distant relative isn’t going to be forgotten.

Presents to be wrapped and hidden. Receipts to be kept safe, endless roles of sellotape and batteries added to the shopping list.

Christmas time is exhausting!

Yet I love the sharing of presents, the warm feeling I get inside when I see the genuine smile on someone’s face when they open their gift. And Yes the worry of the last few months does disappear in the chaos of giggling children ripping open their presents.

The destruction of the living room is one of my favourite parts of the holiday. The floor covered in spend paper and opened cards.

The beautiful sounds of hymns being sung at the church carol service. The peace found in the telling of the Christmas story on Christmas eve. The warmth of the church as we all sit together and prayer as we remember the real reason of Christmas.

For only a day life seems to go on warp mode for the months before. Each year I make myself the promise of being prepared earlier yet all of a sudden December is knocking at my door.

My husband tells me I wouldn’t change it for the world but truthfully I would a little. I would like to be able to put less pressure on myself. To accept that no everyone will get the perfect gift but the fact that I have given in love should be enough. Accept that my Christmas dinner will never look like Delia Smiths but my family all enjoy it and if anyone is missed of my Christmas card list then maybe we need to stay in touch a little more.

Perfection isn’t going to happen in my home, but happiness and love will be a plenty.

I remember the true meaning of Christmas and that is completely overwhelming in a truly special way.


If you would like to overwhelm someone with love and caring this Christmas consider making a gift in their name to the Compassion UK Christmas Appeal . Help Compassion release children from poverty.