You cannot rush grief

On June 9, 2022June 9, 2022 By rebelwithkindnessIn Dear Daniel, grief, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Ok ok I’ve made a rookie error. You know this grief business, well you would think I would be be an expert. Losing three children, one would assume I would have this grief journey down. I wouldn’t need the map or sat nav; this journey should be set in my sub conscious, innate directions.

So why oh why am I finding myself trying to rush through to the end. You know the part where you find some acceptance and maybe a little peace. Come on Sara you should know better that this, there are no short cuts and no quick way through. There isn’t even a toll road that costs you a fortune but cuts out half of the journey time. Nope, no chance,not happening.

No matter how much you don’t want it to the pain of grief has to be lived, the reason why is simple , we love.

Right now it’s perfectly ok and right for me to be lost in the pain of losing Daniel. It’s correct for me to find every breathe painful in missing him. My tears should fall and my heart should be broken because I loved my beautiful boy, I love him, desperately.

Changing the sofa around, painting the walls even maybe putting his toy box out of sight may be what I need to do just to calm the waves but a fresh lick of paint won’t erase the memories of Daniel giggling on the sofa, holding him on my lap, snuggling into my chest, nothing will.

There are no short cuts in grief. What is it the Going on bear hunt book says “you can’t over it, your can’t go under it, you have to go through it”.

I know why I’m trying to push through the pain, the truth is I’m scared I won’t survive it. I survived losing Livvy by the love and need of her sisters, I am truly scared I’m not strong enough to survive losing Daniel.

I’m actually really scared of this darkness I feel.

My whole world changed with Daniels death, my identity as his mom, his carer, his nurse, physio et etc all disappearing with his last breath. He was, my purpose, my joy and my reason. My life was planned with him, I still cannot comprehend a life without him. It’s like my mind just won’t go there, a robot stuck moving back and forth “I just can’t compute, I just can’t compute”.

Oh gosh I’ve sat here thinking how better it would be to be a robot with no feelings, no emotions, no grief ; yet I wouldn’t be happy. I’m a person that feels intensely, if you are loved by me, well you get loved my me. I don’t do half measures. I tell myself I will protect my heart again and again but if I had of done that then I wouldn’t have had the gift of Daniel. I got to love and care for my boy for 6 years, I got to wake up knowing cuddles awaited me, that smiles that would fill my heart would bless my day.

I have spoken and walked through child loss with a number of people over the years ( too many ) and the one thing I tell them is it’s ok to feel broken, it’s ok to feel the pain, because you loved. Give yourself time and to be kind to yourself. This wasn’t how life should be.

Missing someone you love will never be easy and it shouldn’t be. This pain, this agony that I feel now it’s worth it, because I got to love Daniel and if I had to live this pain all over again for just one more moment with my boy I would do so.

So right now all I have to do is be, to be whatever I need me to be, to hold on and allow myself to grieve. There is no rushing grief, it sets it’s own timetable just like love does, as it should because grief is the love we cannot give and I love Daniel intensely.

In the brokenness

On June 1, 2022June 1, 2022 By rebelwithkindnessIn Dear Daniel, grief, UncategorisedLeave a comment

I’ve never been one to follow the calendar. I often don’t know what day of the week it is let alone the date, this has especially been the case in the last two years due to shielding. I mean who cares what the date is, we aren’t going anywhere. Yet since Daniels death I have found myself coming slightly obsessed.

When April turned to May my heart was aching, a new month that Daniel won’t be part of and today we begin another month that won’t hold him in it, it’s so very hard and feels so wrong.

How do I do this life without my beautiful boy? I really feel the need for direction. Nothing makes sense , the things I loved are now too different without my son. Alan suggested I join him in keeping the house tidy but even thinking about it makes me tired. I mean we are just cleaning up our own things when I’m so used to changing beds because Daniel had peed on the sheets, often literally after I had just changed his pad. That boy loved a clean nappy. I should be cleaning up milk when I forgotten to clamp the tube. Weighing pads, chasing prescriptions and so much more. What i am not doing makes what I should be doing feel so out of reach.

I know it’s going to take time and it should, shouldn’t it. You don’t move on from losing your heart in a day, week, lifetime. I’m just so lost it’s crazy, I think that may be my forever statement. “I’m lost.” Then I think of one of Daniels favourite hymns “ i was lost but now I am found” maybe I will be found or find myself again.

Who knows?

Alan and I are struggling so scared about the future. It’s hard trying to make a life you so didn’t want. Everything is different, everything is hard, everything is missing Daniel. People keep telling us of the holidays we can now take, the places we can now visit, the freedom we now have. I know they mean well but this so called freedom came a high cost. Plus I never felt so free when I got to love on Daniel.

I remember so vividly when we lost our beautiful Livvy my anger, I was so angry that the world continued to turn without her in it. I feel that same anger with Daniel but with an extra element of bitterness, we lost him to what we tried so hard to protect him from. His life was stole by a virus the world wants to forget. He is just one in million statistics that we just have to accept. It’s shocking, it’s cruel and it’s so very wrong.

I’m never going to be the same person again and I don’t think Alan will either. Sometimes the spotlight is too powerful to not see the truth. I don’t want to stay bitter but the brokenness of my heart allows it to creep in.

My wonderful friend reminded me at Daniels celebration of the Japanese art of embracing brokenness, Kintsugi. Kintsugi teaches you that your broken places make you stronger and better than ever before. When you think you are broken, you can pick up the pieces, put them back together, and learn to embrace the cracks. Kintsugi teaches you that your broken places make you stronger and better than ever before. She reminded me that I had once before filled my brokenness with gold and that I will do again.

I’m beginning to think I may end up with a bowl full more of gold than china but that’s ok every crack, every bit of brokenness was made because I was blessed enough to have loved and to be loved.

To be so very loved.

The biggest gift for Mother’s Day

On March 15, 2015 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I keep promising myself that this year will be different.

That I will find myself genuinely excited for this day .

But here we are on Mothering Sunday and I am finding it hard .

Mothering Sunday or Mother’s Day is a day to celebrate the joy of being a mother.

I find this hard when I am missing a child.

I know I was blessed to be Olivia’s mom and I know I have four amazing children here to celebrate this day with but my goodness my heart aches for my girl. It cries out in the missing.

I also know that I have the gift of my job. I get to care and love on children who through no fault of their own find themselves in the care system. In need of a home, in need of love and support.

So while Mother’s Day is hard for me and I may have a little cry or ten I am so fulfilled in my heart.

My faith gives me the promise of forever which is something I hold dear. Something that lifts the darkness.

But the true light, the true fulfilment is found in my children those I gave birth too and those that birthed in my heart.

Happy Mother’s Day to you all.

May you cherish your biggest gift today.

Your children

I was scared I had forgotten.

On December 4, 2014 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, Uncategorized2 Comments

Last night I was struggling to sleep my mind was on overdrive and my thoughts were raging.

I had tried to remember a trip I had taken 6 years ago, the memory spurred by a friends comment.

But I couldn’t remember, I knew the day had happened and I had fragments of moments but the whole day was just slipping over the corners of my mind.

I cried.

No that’s a lie I sobbed.

You see I cannot forget.

I cannot lose those moments of time.

Times when I had four daughters by my side.

When the quartet was whole.

My memories are so precious, they are all I have to hold on to of Livvy.

All I have to wrap around my heart.

I cannot forget.

So last night the tears fell.

I searched every corner of my mind for this day, for those moments.

But still they didn’t come.

Then in pure exhaustion as I closed my eyes to sleep the day returned.

The memory sprang from Its deep hiding place and gave me peace.

The laughter.

The joy.

The gift of my memories.

Life is so fragile.

We often don’t realise this until it’s gone.

So I say to all, make those memories now.

Share those moments.

Because someday your memories will be the greatest gift you have.

Or the greatest gift you could give.

Happy Fathers Day

On June 14, 2014 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Today is Father’s Day the day where we celebrate the men who have raised us and those who help us raise our children.

I hit the jackpot in both these situations.

I have an amazing dad who means more to me than I think he actually knows.

Although he didn’t actual raise me he did inspire me in so many ways.

He has worked so hard to make a good life for himself.

Trying hard and setting a great example.

My dad is also the best Grandad a girl could ask for.

He idolises his grandchildren those of blood and those of love.

From the moment my girls entered this world they knew their Grandad loved them.

I love watching them all together.

They have him completely wrapped around their fingers.

From school concerts to exam results he encourages and supports them continually and I know they appreciate that so much.

I also know he misses one little girl so desperately at times that the pain is sometimes etched on his face.

Dad I do wish we had more moments from my childhood to share.

But as I have become an adult you have been there for me at every moment.

You have listened when I have struggled and held me when I have cried.

You are an amazing dad and an fantastic Grandad.

I Love you so much.

Then there is my husband Alan the father of my four girls and foster daddy to our foster son.

Alan You rock.

Never could I have wished for a better father for my children than you.

From the moment we found out we were expecting your priority has been your children.

You work so hard to provide for them and I love your wish to give them the world.

From night time feeds to vomit filled beds you have done it all.

You are one of the reasons I love being a mom, because I get to raise them alongside you.

My children and I are so very lucky to have these two amazing men in our lives.

So from me and the tribe.

Happy fathers dad

Xxxxx

My baby is a teenager.

On March 3, 2014 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

My baby is 13 today.

How in the world did this happen?

The cute little miss is now heading into the teenage years.

How I love this beautiful girl.

Her sweet kind heart brightens many a day.

Her loving nature is such a gift.

I’ve watched her grow and struggle over the last few years. Losing her sister left such a scar on this precious heart. Yet her kindness and courage has been paramount on our fostering journey.

Her desire and heart to care for others is simply inspiring.

Her energy is infectious and exhausting. She throws herself into everything with such zeal. School sports teams, drama and of course singing her beautiful voice blessing us all.

I cannot believe we have reached this milestone already.

Can I hold on to her a little longer?

My beautiful new teenager, never doubt how loved you are.

Never forget what a gift you are to us and how proud we are to be your parents.

I’m excited to see what the future holds for you and so sure you will bless this world in all that you do.

I love that your biggest ambition is to help others.

Enjoy your special day my beautiful girl.

You are my baby and will always be my baby.

Love you my little wise owl.

Happy 13th Brodie Lea xxxx

A beautiful day on the water

On July 15, 2013 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

On Sunday I had the joy of spending a day with those I love in a beautiful setting.

We spent the day on a barge travelling down the Llangollen canal.

To be truthful I was nervous about this trip for two reasons.

One having an autistic child on a barge may not be a restful idea.

Two the last time I took this trip we were celebrating the birthday of my beautiful Livvy.

Yet I shouldn’t have worried.

Yes it was exhausting my foster son was up and down like a yo yo but he was also fascinated by the barge, the scenery and especially the friends we were lucky to spend the day with.

Yes my mind was on Livvy a lot throughout the day, I could see her on the barge blowing out her candles trying to kiss her fireman Sam cake. Hanging over the barge sides watching the water as we travelled. I could also see her driving the boat and remembered how much joy she had from that day. Priceless memories.

Yet I didn’t need to worry about these memories as my friends blessed me with chance to share them to openly talk about her and what I was feeling. I cannot tell you what a gift that was.

It certainly made my day extra special.

The barge trip was truly beautiful. The sun shone upon us and the trees protected us in their shade.

The company was wonderful.

The food delightful

The barge was filled with laughter and joy.

Truly beautiful.

If my words don’t convince you maybe my photos will.

It was a wonderful day and I am so thankful for the friends I got to share it with.

* I did have all three daughters with me but my number two was feeling camera shy xxx

It’s the wrong season for snow

On March 25, 2013 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I can’t believe we are nearly at Easter and everywhere is covered in snow. It’s making me crazy. Not that I hate the snow I just think spring really isn’t the season for it. It has its place at Christmas for example.

But with Easter approaching I want to see new life being created.

Buds sprouting through the ground.

Leaves starting to fill out on the trees.

Lambs being born.

Ok ok you get the picture, it’s a time for the new.

Most people see New Year as their new beginnings but for me it’s Easter that has that new start meaning about it.

The reminder of the ultimate sacrifice.

The gift of the cross.

It challenges me to do better.

To be better.

To throw away my overcoat of excuses and to step out of my comfort zone and into the unknown.

Maybe I hibernate in the cold seasons. Maybe I’m solar powered.

Who knows ?

But as the seasons change and time moves on I need to cherish every moment.

Every second, every hour are filled with the breathe of promise.

The gift of creation.

The anticipation of dreams.

New buds, new ideas, new life, new challenges.

The evolution of the seasons.

The evolution of our souls.

Baker days – Review

On March 12, 2013 By rebelwithkindnessIn reviews, Uncategorised1 Comment

Cake it’s one of those things that can be eaten on all occasions.

We have wedding cakes

We have christening cakes

Birthday cakes, engagement cakes, new job cakes, new house cakes, graduation cakes and so on.

Cake is universal and pretty much needed at all times.

I mean a cake with a cup of tea can turn an afternoon into an occasion all by itself.

So when I was approached by Baker Days about reviewing one of their cakes I certainly wasn’t going to say no.

Also with mother day approaching I did have a valid excuse to spoil myself.

Baker Days offer a personalised home delivery service for cakes for all occasions or no occasion. You can chose from one of their gorgeous designs or create your own. Add a photo and message and you have created a beautiful personal gift. They have over 500 designs.

Cakes to say I love you

Cakes to say thank you

Congratulations, farewell and so many more.

I chose this beautiful Mother’s Day design.

So I have to be honest when the cake was delivered through my letterbox I wasn’t sure what to expect. Although the site does state it’s a petite letterbox cake with 3-4 servings I was still surprised by the size of it.

Yet although it was tiny I was struck by the beautiful detail and as you can see the design was even better in real life.

The girls though the cake was super cute and couldn’t wait for a taste. I nearly ended up with no photos of it as they had the carving knife out super quick.

We tried the Madeira cake which was just so yummy, soft and with a lovely taste.

I think Baker Days offers a great service and it’s a great idea to send as a gift for any occasion.

The website is so easy to use and you can even have your cake delivered the next day if you order before 2pm.

It’s well worth a try and its something different.

Birthdays are special

On February 19, 2013 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I’ve been thinking about birthdays recently and how sometimes we don’t realise how special each one is.

I guess as you get older the excitement wears off, I mean who really wants to be old.

But I believe that we look at it the wrong way.

A birthday marks the passing of another year that you were blessed to be here.

Now I don’t wish to sound maudlin or miserable far from it, I want us to realise the celebration of life.

When my children were younger every birthday had a party, we celebrated with family and friends. It was a celebration a real time to rejoice, but as we all get older its becomes less so.

I think often of Livvy and the fact that we only had 9 birthdays to celebrate with her. I give thanks that we celebrated each one in style.

But it shouldn’t take the fear of loss to make us celebrate each other. Each year we get to spend together is special, it is a gift and should be rightly appreciated as such.