Is it a bad thing?
For many years now I have felt it is.
I have held back my heart, my feelings, my emotions.
And I feel suffocated.
Years ago when I was a teenager my Nan told me that wearing my heart on the outside would get me hurt.
She was talking about my heartbreak over a boyfriend at the time and she was trying ease my pain.
She said that I needed to hold my head high and act as if it didn’t matter and that i was ok.
I know she meant well but I believe I took that advice a little to literally.
You see I do love hard.
Its as simple as that.
But over the years I have held back.
Tried to be someone I’m not.
Taking words as emotional, dramatic, as insults.
Changing who I am to please others.
Even when Livvy died I never allowed myself to let go.
I didn’t fall apart, scream at God or generally let rip.
I held on.
I could tell you that it was to be strong for my girls, or my husband but that would only be partly true.
I held on because I was scared to let go.
If I let myself fall apart would i be able to put myself together again.
Well I was praying about this last night and God gave me this beautiful image of a mosaic and he reminded me that some of the most beautiful things in life are made from broken pieces.
I have to allow myself to break,
Allow myself to really feel.
Holding back is suffocating me.
I can’t breathe.
I do love hard.
It is who I am
I am emotional
I am dramatic
I am all or nothing.
But I love with all my heart.
I will fight to the death for those I care about
and I will be by your side always.
Remember if I love you, I will love you hard.