My word for 2015

So as we start the new year I have been thinking a lot about the word I wish to lead me through the next 365 days.

The word that will represent all my hopes and prayers for 2015.

It isn’t easy finding one word which fits all your plans and ideas.

Still after thinking  hard for a while I am going to go with the word.

 

dream

2015 is going to be my year of dreams.

This is a big step out of the ordinary for me.

You see I have never really allowed myself to dream.

Broken promises, painful situations and a lot of disappointment made me believe that dreams were for others and not for me.

It was something I accepted as just life.

I could hope but I couldn’t dream.

I was never the girl who dreamed of her wedding day.

Of the children she would have or career she would achieve.

Anxiety and disbelief stole away my dreams.

I cannot get excited for an event or a holiday until I am actually there and as for promises, well maybe we shouldn’t go there.

But this year is going to be different.

I am going to allow myself to dream and I’m going to see my dreams fulfilled.

I am going to dream that I can and will achieve my goals.

I will attend university.

I will move forward with this blog.

I will further my writing career.

I will put myself forward more.

I will look in the mirror and like what i see.

I will believe in me.

2015 you are my year to dream.

Its scary but it’s time.

Crap Happens

“Crap Happens’ is what they say,yet why is it always on me is how I feel.

I can’t breathe anymore, the pretence Is suffocating me. Trying to be normal, the fake smile is making my face ache.

‘She’s a coper that one?’ ‘always strong’ ‘there for others’ ‘great at picking up the pieces’.

‘Get lost’ is what I want to scream. I’m not coping I’m surviving and only just. Dark thoughts are like snakes slivering in to my brain.

I don’t want to be strong, I’m completely fed up of having to carry on. Curling up into a ball sounds bliss.

Am I depressed I don’t know today I may tick all the boxes tomorrow It may be different. I don’t want a label I want understanding.

I want people to see it hurts, that my soul is aching and I want that to be ok. I need time, patience and respect. Feeling down isn’t a crime. Wanting to shout ‘enough’ isn’t weakness just the mind trying to protect itself.

It’s the expectations of others that do the damage. Telling me how to be, how to move forward.

I just want to feel now!

To wake up tomorrow and be hopeful for a new day.

Maybe it will be. Today I’m not coping I’m just surviving.