My Mothers Day Wish List.

So this coming Sunday is Mother’s day here in the UK and the shops are simply full of many wonderful things.

So this week’s wish list is based on this special day.

Medium Anatomical Skull Ring

First off I absolutely love this Anatomical skull ring from the awesome

The Great Frog London. I already have a ring from this company and the style and quality is amazing.

 

Second on my list is this beautiful Suede Hobo Bag from Simply Be. The colour of this is just so stunning and perfect for spring.

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Third is this beautiful dress from Voodoo Vixen,  Emmie is modelled by my beautiful friend Sarah who looks stunning as always. Though to be honest I love most of the range.

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Fourth on my list is a print subscription for the amazing Slink Magazine, I love this plus size fashion magazine and the quality of its content.

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Fifth and final on my list is this pretty outdoor planter from Next. Spring colours to brightened the day.

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Lets be honest, I’m not expecting any of these for Mother’s Day and that fine as I have the best gift of all and that is simply my beautiful children.

Now if only heaven had a postal service.

Hope all you Mom’s, Step-moms and Grandmas have an amazing day.

 

Life buoy please

Every time I visit my daughters grave I feel a little more wrecked inside. The pieces that were starting to heal shatter again.

Will it ever get easier?

Why do I have to visit my daughter at her grave?

Why is laying flowers the only thing I can do for her now?

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I’m angry today

It feels so unfair

So unjust

When there is so much evil in the world why did we have to lose such innocence?

I know it’s crazy but somedays I can ride the sea of grief but today I am drowning.

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Image courtesy of Victor Habbick at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Anyone have a life buoy?

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Image courtesy of cbenjasuwan at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Searching for Tinkerbell

Four and a half years ago I laid my beautiful 9 year old daughter to rest.

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As we placed her ashes in a grave I promised that it would be one of the prettiest graves ever. That may sound silly but it’s the only thing I can do for her right now.

It’s a place for us really. A place where I can go to love upon her. Each week we place roses and flowers. Celebrating her life. Celebrating our love for a beautiful girlie.

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When we laid Livvy’s stone we placed a Tinkerbell ornament upon her stone.

For many years Livvy’s nickname has been Tinkerbell.

It could have been because of her wild blonde hair.

Or it may have been because of the way she flitted off to Neverland with her seizures.

Whatever the reason it suited her to a tee, the mischievous little one.

So the ornament was perfect for her.

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Unfortunately over the years the elements have left Tinkerbell looking worse for wear and I want to replace her with a new one.

The problem is I cannot find another one.

I have a saved searched on eBay for nearly a year. I’ve searched amazon and every site google has offered up and I’m at a lost.

So I am turning to you my friends across the Internet.

Please help me locate another Tinkerbell for Livvy’s grave.

Please keep an eye out at your local garden centres, online sites etc.

This is so important to me.

Thank you for reading this and helping me on my quest.

The song of loss

As I sit on the bench at Livvy’s special place. I just watch as people come to visit their loved ones.

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The elderly man who comes everyday to visit his wife. He bends tentatively to the ground laying his flowers for the lady he cared for through the last years of her life. The woman he had loved for over 50 years still loving upon her now.

The middle aged woman who tends the grave of her parents with the kindness they shown her throughout her life. Missing her moms sweet laughter ,her fathers sage advice.

The woman who tends the grave of her son who lies across from Livvy. She is there everyday still looking over him as mothers do. Her heart aching for a son who is now out of her reach.

All of us from different places from different lives but united in grief.

Our pain is there in our eyes for the whole world to see.

As we tend the graves of the ones we miss so desperately. Our hearts beat yet each missing a piece.

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Trying to move on in a life we can never fully connect too. A life that is full of shadows of the ones we grieve for.

I lay Livvy’s yellow roses and as the sweet smell reaches my nose my heart is burning. Burning with the missing.

I look at her photo, that smile that I ache for everyday.

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Those eyes so full of mischief never to hold my gaze again.

I look up with tears as the old man gently taps my arm.

It’s doesn’t get easier” he says. I cannot answer for the words are lost in my throat.

No it doesn’t get easier. Over time I guess we learn to carry our burden a little higher.Hiding the pain in a way that makes people think we are healing.

But a broken heart doesn’t heal. It just beats to a different drum.

The grief march.

A tune no one wishes to learn.

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Yet one that once you know will haunt your soul.

The notes of missing

The notes of longing.

The notes of pain.

The song of loss.