Gentle?

Oh my goodness when I read the word prompt for five minute Friday this week I just smiled at the irony, gentle on a day that was far from gentle for our saviour.

He was beaten

He was mocked

A crown of thorns placed on his head.

The nails hammered through his hands,

The spear pierced through his side.

Not gentle, not kind, not right.

Yet this man so gentle and kind bore this pain, bore this torture, died for us.

I struggle through Good Friday, I mean how can you find the words to honour this sacrifice. To breathe life into the holiness of the love Jesus had for me. I often find myself looking forward to Easter Sunday excited to celebrate the resurrection. Yet this time inbetween needs to be felt, this closed tomb needs to be understood.

How often in life do we focus on the good that’s coming. A journey is always about the destination, but is it? Shouldn’t we sometimes slow down and view the world that we pass As we start towards our end. Maybe we would see some wondrous sights or maybe not , yet to look is never a waste, to rush is to miss.

So as we sit in this in between time I often think of those that loved Jesus. How did they feel? Did they know without doubt that he would return? Did they trust? What would I have done, I mean I know I will be reunited with my daughter one day but I still grieve. This time in between feels hard. I know that come Sunday the tomb will be empty but this space is hard.

Yet I know without a doubt that I will hold my girl again.

Because of a gentle man who suffered a horrific death

because he loved me.

Jesus the gentle breath than fills my lungs with salvation. From nail pierced hands to my promise of eternity.

Not a gentle love, a saviours love.

Join in with five minute Friday. Write for five minutes on the word of the week. This is meant to be a free write, which means: no editing, no over-thinking, no worrying about perfect grammar or punctuation. Just write.

Grief

I am beginning to wonder if someone within five-minute Friday is reading my heart as the word choices over the last few weeks have cut close. At first, I feel shocked but then wonder if God is reminding me that hiding is not an option and that it’s also not healthy. How can we process emotions when we don’t acknowledge them? Yet ‘grief ‘I am not sure if this is an emotion that can be processed ,its definitely not one that we can work through, well its one I haven’t personally worked through and the end well I’ve come to the conclusion that the end of grief is heaven. 

November is one of the hardest months for me and this year has been no different, I have to face the anniversary of my daughter’s death but also this year has brought so much pain my heart aches just thinking about it. 

Yet I know grief isn’t just synonymous with death.

noun

keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.

a cause or occasion of keen distress or sorrow.

Right now, the world is lost in grief, many of us cannot see past the what should have been’s, the normal, the plans being cancelled, people we cannot visit and I know it’s hard. As one who has faced a lot of what should have beens’s I get it. I did not expect my child to be born with a severe neurological condition, I didn’t expect to not be able to travel due to illness, to spend birthdays and new year’s in hospital.

I did not expect to lose her.  

I have faced so many of what should have been’s. 

It’s hard. 

Yet sometimes “what is” can be rather special, 

No, I did not ever imagine having a child with a devastating condition, it never crossed my mind at any point. Yet she was one of the best things that life has ever blessed me with. I learned through her that life was to be lived for the moment that the reality is we are never promised a long duration, so we need to live in the present. We need to focus on the here and now and celebrate the moments. 

Expectations can be exciting, but they can also bring restriction. Sometimes we have to let go of what should be and celebrate the what is. 

Grief is hard and for me there is no earthly end, but I will never lose sight of the gift. 


“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”


― Jamie Anderson

If you are grieving now hold on to the why. The wonderful people you miss desperately but love so hard. 

Focusing on the blessings isn’t easy and grief sometimes become a curtain which hides the gifts from us. But try, try in this season to tear back the curtain and celebrate the moments that made the memories and appreciate the memories yet to be made. 

Familiar

 

I miss the familiar, the knowing that this is what happens and how it happens. The routines, the traditions, the moments that make sense.

I find comfort in these, in the knowing and the expectation.

My familiar is changing, whilst I have craved for its continuity it merges like the seasons, Spring into Summer, Autumn into Winter.

This was my normal, this became my new normal and now well, I’m still in the process of adjustment into another new.

I miss those that aren’t in my life anymore, the familiar sibling teasing, annual disagreements and over played songs.

I know life is ever changing but sometimes I just wish It would stand still just a little.

Someone once told me “that life was an adventure”. But every adventurer has to have a time of rest, of recuperation.

Who can endlessly search the oceans, or travel the world?

Who can endlessly swing from moment to moment,
without pause, a breath?

I want to breathe deep right now. I wish I could breathe deep into the smell of Olivia’s freshly washed hair. Breathe deep into the familiarity of what used to be.

But I’m breathing,

My lungs are inhaling the new. The season of thankfulness is upon us and I am so thankful, so very blessed by my new.

My heart it sings for my little man, how the excitement of a an advent and the celebration with him as mine.

My new son, is slowly becoming my familiar.

His blond gentle waves and curls than won’t lie down. The little cusp of his lip that raises with his cheeky smile. The softest of his fingers as he reaches out for my hand. I’m loving my new familiar.

Past, present and future all the combination of my heart. Part of me longs for the moments gone yet another is just so thankful for the now.

I’m torn between the then and the now,

So I close my eyes, open my heart and embrace the familiar.

 

Bare

Sometimes I wonder if anyone sees the real me

Sometimes I wonder if I actually know the real me under the fronts I use for protection

The mom

The wife

The daughter

The friend

I wonder if anyone can see me stripped down and bare.

Would anyone like what they see?

I start the day with a smile that hides so many things, worries, fears.

Exhaustion, exhilaration

But am I really bare without the roles I play.

Or are my roles pieces of the jigsaw that is in truth who I am.

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Joining in again with Lisa-Jo’s Five minute Friday

Quiet

What a week!

How can one experience so many emotions in a period of only seven days.

Joy, sorrow

Tears, laughter

The anniversary of Livvys death has knocked me about but how can you show your pain when her sister is conquering her fear and singing a solo in a school concert.

You smile you quieten down the voices in your head and you smile.

Life is a gift but for the last week, months its been a noisy exhausting gift.

This weekend I just pray for quiet.

Not “shush” lets not say a word quiet but just the peace of silence in my mind.

I don’t want to think,

I don’t want to stress

I don’t want to remember

I just want to be

Be quiet

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Again I’m joining in with Lisa Jo’s Five Minute Friday.

The Race

I have been ill for the last week or so fibromylcia has been like  a snake bite spewing venom into my body.

Yet while the physical has been awfu,l spiritually I have been much worse.
I have forgotten to be thankful.
I have moaned an groaned about my pain and physical discomfort yet forgetful to be thankful that I am here that  I am not fighting a terminal disease. That my mind is still working.
I have grumbled at my husband forgetting how blessed I am to have him.
I have moaned about lack of quality time with him yet i take for granted the gift I have having him alongside me each day.
I have worried about finances yet not realising that the truth is I have more than enough.
I have allowed my girls to drive me to the brink of insanity with their teenage angst when I still cry out for the one who never got to be a teenager.
I have allowed myself to become of this world when the truth is I am not.
Sometimes I fail so miserably, I want, I desire, I crave yet I have so much. To say that this human nature is not an excuse. 
I need to be thankful in all that I do to remind myself of the gifts,the joys that bless my life.
I am so blessed and sometimes I need a gigantic kick to remember this.
The truth is I get caught up in the race of life that I forget to slow down and enjoy it.
I stop seeing the wonder in the nights sky, the lyrical majestic wandering of a well versed song or the ribbon curling of a gentle breathe.
I need to stop not just looking but seeing the beauty of God’s creation
I need to slow this life race down from the 100 metre sprint into the marathon. 
Enjoy, be thankful, be blessed.

  This post is a link up with Lisa-Jo’s Five minute Friday 

Enough

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Another five minute Friday post joining up with Lisa-Jo Baker

No more biting my tongue when they don’t understand.

It seems being sensitive is a crime nowadays.

It’s ok mom she says, it’s over, I’ve finished, I’ve left.

Yet I’m still left with a taste of bitterness in my mouth.

I’m praying the senior school will be where she finds her place.

She tells me she isn’t lost.
“God will always be my direction
He is my heart and I won’t change that to fit in.”

Those who tell me she is too sensitive, too weak.

Hear her heart as it beats with the strength of love, the warmth of compassion and the kindness of empathy.

My baby is enough
My baby is more than enough
She is one of God’s amazing creations and he makes no mistakes

This is Enough