Not in a great place

Compassion, empathy two things that can bring comfort to many.

Yet when you know the pain people are facing it can also bring a reality you don’t want to face closer.

Knowing that people you love are hurting is hard to face.

The pain of loss is like no other and I pray I could bring some comfort but for this there is none.

I just cannot get to sleep tonight, my mind is whirring. Later on today I am attending a funeral. The laying to rest of a beautiful young lady who lost her battle to Rett Syndrome, only 13, too young to die.

I have to stand and watch the pain on the faces of her devastated parents. To watch them try to hold it together.

Is it selfish to wish I didn’t know their pain, to not understand the brokenness of their heart.

It was only four years and six days ago I was those parents, staring in disbelief at the wooden box holding my baby girl.
Praying I would wake up from this nightmare.

I didn’t

I haven’t

And I’m struggling now to understand this life and this crazy world.

Why are young beautiful girls losing their battles?

Rett Syndrome sucks.

My head is so full of questions and my heart is overflowing with anger.

Its not a great place to be.

But nothing makes sense anymore.

I am so lost right now.

Will I ever find my way back?

Do I want to find my way back?

Right now I just don’t know.

Losing my way

I haven’t blogged for the last few days. I wish I had a valid reason but I don’t, I just needed time out for a while.

Sometimes I get lost in a abyss of stress and frustration trying to answer the questions of “who I am ?”and “what do I want out of life?”

I don’t know why these things happen, some say depression, some say hormones I just simply say “life sucks”

But you know what that’s okay because at times life does suck an its okay you just take a step back and reassess, re-evaluate , what is it you want and what is it you need.

It’s simply a process that we all go through.

Please tell me it is, I’m sure I’m not the only one to feel this way at times.

fulfillment, fulfilment
a feeling of satisfaction at having achieved your desires
More General:
– satisfaction

Fulfilment, satisfaction, happiness are all completely oxymorons to me at this time.

I’m searching but to be honest I haven’t a clue what for.

How silly does that sound?

So please bare with me for a while. I’m hoping that I will do what my mom always tells me to do and “snap out of it”. But mostly I hope I do simply find my direction again.

My way

Explaining Me

I’ve been thinking a lot about scripture and how some verses just cling to your hearts. They pop up in your thoughts at given times.

When you are exhausted you can one think of one with strength.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
(Psalms 46:1-1, NIV)

When you are lost, one reminds you of direction.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
(Psalms 32:8, NIV)

When you are scared one reminds you to trust.

Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal.
(Isaiah 26:4, NIV)

I have many that inspire, consume and replenish my soul.

The verse you see below was the inspiration behind naming this blog it is one I hold dear to my heart. I know my life has been blessed many times by angels.

Remember to welcome strangers because some that have done this have welcomed angels without knowing it. Hebrews, 13.1

Yet the last 6 months I’ve been searching for something that will explain me.

I get a lot of people asking me how I do what I do, how I’ve survived what I have.


This simply explains it all. I don’t do it alone , all that I do, all that I achieve is because of and through Christ Jesus.