I am a secret

Okay here goes, i confess I’m a secret Speidi fan. For the first time ever I have actually found myself addicted to Celebrity Big Brother ( oh the shame).

Now I know Speidi are the couple everyone loves to hate but I am so fascinated by them.

Maybe its because they are doing what I have secretly wanted to do.

Have you ever found yourself in a group not of your choosing and sat there really wanting to say “please go away”.

But you don’t either through professionalism or politeness, you have simply played nice.

I know I have and it has left me frustrated inside as I can not stand falseness but at times I think its becoming the normal.

I mean take facebook for example, how many have people that follow them on there, even comment on a post but if there were to see you in the street would walk on by.

Also lets be honest about human nature, we all have an element of competition in us. Desire to win, be the best. I personally believe Speidi are the only housemates being honest about their desire to win.

Of course in the real world behaviour like Speidi wouldn’t be acceptable but lets be honest CBB isnt the real world and “its just a game”.

Maybe you all think that I’ve finally lost the plot and maybe you are actually right but at times I just get so fed up of playing nice to the falseness of life.

I would love a little of Spencer’s audacity, the courage to say what I really feel. Life sometimes feels a little like CBB like its just a game.




Can you care too much?

I sometimes wonder if I was born onto the wrong planet. So much of life is beyond me. I feel lost and suffocated by the expectations of this world.

I know I need to learn how to switch off. A news story can leave me in despair. A book about a charity, people in need leaves me feeling helpless.

The whole world is in need but I don’t know where to start.

I feel that I should be doing something but I haven’t a clue what. It’s this lost feeling that builds up frustration in my soul.

So many nights I have prayed to God, show me my purpose. Where do you want me? What can I do?

But I’m either not hearing the answer or it’s yet to come.

Last night I was trying to explain to my husband how I feel. He answered “you care to much” but is that possible. If we all cared enough the world wouldn’t be as it is. Children wouldn’t be dying of hunger, people wouldn’t be dying of diseases we can treat and so much more.

I was eavesdropping on a conversation the other day a woman was telling her friend about the plight of children in Africa. Then two minutes after talking about extreme poverty the conversation was on about a new dress she wanted.

How, why??

I know I’m being unfair there are so many people in this world who do care. Who have given up their luxuries, freedom lives for others. I also know I am hypercritical when I desire things I want but don’t really need.

I know the frustration is mine. I need to do, to be. Yet I don’t know where to start.

I need a sign, some direction, a mission a calling. Something that makes me understand why I am here?