How i remember my girls taking their first baby steps. Kennedy completely bypassed crawling she was up on her feet before she was one. I mean she wasn’t going to get her dresses dirty rolling around on the floor. Eden was a crawler she walked early but wasn’t fussed how she got somewhere as long as she got there and Livvy well she was a late walker but could crawl faster than the speed of light ( slight exaggeration there but you get the picture.) and of course my baby girl Brodie, her want for
50 pairs of shoes had her up and running early too . I guess what I’m trying to say is we all go at our own pace and we have to allow ourselves time to make those baby steps.
Oh don’t I sound so calm and wise yet the reason I’m writing this is because I was so angry at myself today and felt like I have failed but now on reflection I don’t think I did.
You see I tried to return to church today, we haven’t been in the building since before the pandemic and I knew my anxiety would be high returning but that was when in my plans Daniel was with us. Walking in there today without my beautiful boy was agony. Daniel loved church, he especially loved the worship he would just shout out not always to the tune of the song but who carers he was telling the world how much he loves God. I remember his cheeky way he tried to take over the service when our leader was talking, how the more I tried to quieten him the louder he got. I miss the way he would pull into me when we prayed, when we loved on those that needed prayer and those that didn’t realise that they did. At home Daniel would sit in my lap and when we prayed he would pull me closer to him. Listening intensely to make sure he heard the words, the need.
So yes today was hard but I had been determined to go to church and I mean if you are going to fall apart it’s best to do it with family. I did okay I appreciated my hugs and wishes I was calm and ok well until the worship started. As James’s voice lifted up my heart shattered into pieces. Where was my boy, why wasn’t he here, his voice not there for me to here broke me. I tried and I really did try but be it the words of the song or the emptiness of my arms I had to leave. You know the moment when your crying becomes beyond control your sobs become loud and shallow yes that was the one. So I left, I just had too. Our church leader came and chatted with me and Alan and I calmed myself down but I was so cross at myself , I was cross I couldn’t find comfort in a place that brought Daniel lots of joy. But I just could not.
But you know what, baby steps.
After we left the church we decided to go to the food festival in Lichfield, our plan had been to go yesterday but my grief had other plans. Instead I sobbed until I gave myself a migraine, wasn’t the best of a plan really was it, oh well. Anyway off we went, it was super stressful even parking made me want to turn round and just go home. It wasn’t helped by my husband’s aggravation at the lack of parking spaces and definitely those who do not use indicators. I honestly thought he was going to combust. It’s strange how anxiety can make you feel, Alan gets cross at people, I start apologising for breathing.
Anyway we parked and we walked around the food stalls. I’m not going to say I enjoyed it,the vast amount of people was beyond overwhelming and after shielding for over two years having that many people around me was too much. But it was the missing that got me, now don’t get me wrong there is no chance Daniel would open his eyes at that festival it would have definitely been sensory overload but his missing presence was felt in so many ways. Firstly we just got out the car and left, no checking of bags unclipping of wheelchairs, making sure we have blankets and so on. Secondly we realised today that we used Daniels wheelchair as a ram, pushing through the crowds with the wheels getting knocked not us. It was just so strange even the knowledge that the only reason we could actually be there was because Daniel was gone. Crap that hurts.
So I managed as long as I could, Alan enjoyed a burger which he described as “the best ever”. I got overwhelmed by the choice and came home for my cornflakes.
But guess what I went and tried and last week I couldn’t have done that so as they say , Baby steps.