Another first

It is said that when you lose someone you love the hardest moments are the firsts. The first day without them, the first birthday, the first Christmas and the first holiday.

This is my first holiday, first without any children and most heartbreaking the first without Daniel.

The sun shines above me, the waves lap gently at the shore, the birds fly above me. Yet all I feel is this emptiness, the longing.

Longing for my boy.

I’m trying to tell myself he is with me, as I walk across the shoreline, he is with me. As I watch the birds circle the sky, he is with me. As I laugh when the sea gulls pooped on Daddy he laughs with me. Yet pretending is often as painful as the reality. I try to imagine him listening to the waves, feeling the wind as it blows through his hair and his smile, oh his beautiful smile it lights up when he hears the birds in the sky. I’m trying but I’m failing, it hurts so desperately.

I walked into a shop the other day, I saw this beautiful jumper covered in sea life. I found myself searching for a size 7-8 years and the jumper was in my hand before reality hit. Oh how I cried, sobbing in a clothes shop another first for me, but for that spilt second Daniel was with me. For just that moment life made sense once again. Yet the truth fell upon me as the tears fell from my eyes.

Oh my heart I miss him so much.

Alan and I are so lost, finding things to do is easy but it shouldn’t be. I should be checking out accessibility, places to change Daniel and so much more. It took me no time to pack, that isn’t right and our car wasn’t bursting at the seams with equipment and medications. It’s all wrong and I just don’t like it.

I’m honestly tired of people telling me “it’s our time now” the assumption that we didn’t live as we cared for Daniel. The truth is far from that, we lived fully due to our gorgeous boy. We saw the world in more detail as we described it all to Daniel. We got to see the beauty in nature. To hear the dancing tunes of the wind. I don’t care for this new life at all and I feel I never will. This wasn’t my choice, this is far from the reality I dream off. This is painful, an agony in the missing and so very strange. I’m so lost in the surroundings that once were so very familiar.

“You can do all the things you wanted to do” no I can’t because my plans, my dreams all involved Daniel. Yes I could go do them but they won’t be as I wanted them to be.

Different and wrong, broken in the missing.

So as I watch the sunset I try and embrace the beauty. I try to give thanks for the time I had with Daniel, I try because I’m not there yet. I’m so thankful but it wasn’t enough. No where near enough.

So as the sun disappears into the ocean I breathe deeply as I face another first.

My first sunset without my beautiful boy beside me.

Another heartbreaking first

Another first without my beautiful boy.

Please tear down the curtain.

Give yourself time, be kind to yourself, the pain will ease. I know people mean well and I love them for it, but in all honesty I don’t want time, I don’t want to be kind to myself and the pain, well shouldn’t I always feel it? They say that grief is the love we cannot give so this agony feels right,

As it should be.

I know I’m not helping myself but right now I don’t want to. I’m missing Daniel with such an intensity that I can barely breathe. Everything I see, every room I walk in his absence is suffocating. Everything reminds me of him and how my heart is forever broken missing him.

I just want to scream at God to bring my boy back.

Please.

If you have a faith the pain of losing one you love often lands you in two camps of thought. The first is closer to God, you feel him closer, you find your comfort in his promises. You know that Jesus catches ever tear you cry. You know with a certainty that you will see you loved ones again.

Or the second camp, you are angry, so angry that you cannot believe God had taken the one you love. You tell yourself you cannot believe in a God who does this. One who is all powerful but didn’t save the one you hold in your heart. Faith becomes lost in the pain.

For me I think I’m actually going to make a camp number 3. One where I love God and I know Daniel is with him but one where I really am angry that he didn’t save my son. How or why is my beautiful boy gone from me.

I was thinking as I was writing this that often people speak of a curtain between us. That to trust that Daniel is still close to me and it’s only a curtain that separates the living from those gone before us. Yet I often thing of the scripture when it tells what happened when Jesus was crucified that the curtain was torn in the temple. I want my curtain to be torn. I want Daniel to be here not behind a curtain or in another room, I want him here in my arms.

I want that curtain torn down.

I want to kiss the top of his sweet head and I want to feel his heartbeat next to mine. I want to hold him in my arms once more. I want it as it should be.

I want

I want

I want.

Please

“At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom. The earth shook, the rocks split. “

Matthew 27:51

My forever eco warrior

Ouch it hurts, an email, a simple email has left me sobbing into my pillow. No names nothing personal so why am I so heartbroken? I will tell you why, it’s because of what should have been.

Let me explain I opened up my Email and clicked the first one it’s become such a second nature thing to do I didn’t even check before I opened. It was Fatface the lovely, gorgeous brand Fatface telling me all about the new collaboration between themselves and the Marine conservation society. The email says something like ( I deleted rather quickly) “let your little one help save the seas”. Well along those lines, it was hard to read through the tears.

You see Daniel loved nature, he watched documentaries from Steve Backshall on the sharks and he got so cross at the damage we were doing to the oceans and even his Easter bonnet design was going to be a Save our Seas one, complete with plastic rubbish and a trapped turtle. But we didn’t get to make it and unfortunately I won’t be getting to buy him these clothes and support this fantastic cause. So I cried and to be honest I’m still crying. Seven isn’t enough time and no matter how thankful I am for the years we had together, they will never fill the void of how much I miss my beautiful boy.

So here I am sharing this campaign not for any obligation and I’m not working with the brand but because I know Daniel would want me to. Take a look and if this isn’t your thing or isn’t suitable for you just remember we can all do something simple to help save our oceans and do it for Daniel because Daniel was and always will be my little eco warrior.