Connections

I was sitting down last night wishing I could tweet anonymously so I could be completely honest with the world. That I could stop pretending that everything is ok and just be true. But then I realised that the whole concept of hiding isn’t truth. 

Sometimes I find this world so hard to understand and to fathom. It’s as if people don’t want to see others happy and enjoy in hurting and harming. It often feels that the selfish need of one is always more important that the needs of many.

Maybe I am as I was once told too emphatic?

Maybe I need to find a way to switch of my compassion. Or maybe I just need to find a peace between my mind and the world.

Does that sound crazy? It could, but sometimes I feel as if I am from another planet. As if my connection to this world is weak and failing. 

Oh my goodness listen to me, connection to the world how far out do I sound. 

But let’s be honest, isn’t the connections we make in this world part of our own definition. We come into this world connected, a son or a daughter born to a mother and a father, connections. Are we a sibling, a niece and nephew. Connections form from the moment of birth without any really effort on our behalf. 

Inheritance of birth is connection

These connections are our foundation, what forms us. Whilst we may not follow or at times understand the beliefs, reasoning of our parents but it’s these connections that educate us to grow, to question.

Friendship forming new threads of connectivity within the world. School pals, work colleagues and so many more.

Some connections are brief and tenuous whilst others become lifelong and strong.

Yet every connection defines us in some way. The realisation that we are not alone in this world comes with what should be the realisation that we are also responsible for others.

Yet this is the internal struggle I am facing right now. The endless battle that my mind wages against the world. 

How and why can suffering happen? 

How and why do people allow it? 

Why does it feel like humanity is losing the world to greed? 

I’m tired of being faced with selfish behaviour some my own.

I’m exhausted with people holding money over life.

Judgement not compassion.

Control not freedom.

Bigotry not acceptance. 

I want to hide away from it all right now. Behind the anonymity of untruth. I want to not care for a while. To not worry about the feelings of others. To be selfish but free.

Yet I know I cannot not, because as much as I want so desperately to find peace in my mind it’s never going to be found in untruth.

I have to venture on, somehow finding a new place of truth whilst desperately seeking a way to find harmony for my mind. 

Any suggestions? 

Belong

Sometimes I wonder about life, about the connections we are all supposed to make to survive.

Friendship, marriage and so much more.

 

I have these connections but somehow i find myself wondering of the truth of them all.

 

For so long I have wanted to be part of something.

 

Something so much more than just me.

 

A group, a set , a club

 

Yet the baggage of childhood holds me back.

 

You cannot belong

 

You aren’t good enough

 

They will see the real you.

 

Should that feel wrong “seeing the real me”

 

Would that be so horrible ?

 

Is who I am so terrible ?

 

This is a journey that at times feels like there is no end.

 

I am tired of being on the outskirts I want to enter in.

 

But fear holds me back

 

I’m so scared of rejection.

 

I guess the real question is this

 

Is my desire to belong greater than my fear.

 

I pray so

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It won’t stop you.

I took my daughter ice skating this morning. As I watched her skate I could see something wasn’t right, she was far from the focussed individual she normally is.

As she left the ice after her lesson she called me over. The reason I found for her struggling was the fact that her chest was tight.

Eden, Brodie and I are all asthmatics and to be perfectly honest I was rather cross. The reality is that she does know better and she is aware of the need to manage her condition.

I asked her why she hadn’t come off the ice and used her inhaler, her answer “Ice skaters shouldn’t have asthma”

This really surprised me that this had been mind; her asthma is well-managed and rarely causes her any problems. Yet she still believes that asthma would stop her from achieving her dreams.

Asthma is a condition that affects the airways – the small tubes that carry air in and out of the lungs.

  • 5.4m people in the UK are currently receiving treatment for asthma.
  • 1.1m children in the UK are currently receiving treatment for asthma.
  • There is a person with asthma in one in five households in the UK.

Asthma is an incurable illness. However, with good treatment and management there is no reason why a person with asthma cannot live a normal and active life.

This afternoon I did some research to prove to Eden that many asthmatics have gone on to achieve their sporting goals.

Paula Radcliffe – world record holder marathon

Dennis Rodman – professional basketball player

The one that really helped me get the point across:-

Kristi Yamaguchi – Olympic medalist, figure skating (one of Eden’s heroes)

Asthma isn’t the best thing to have happened to us, but we cannot and will not let it limit our lives. Yes asthma is something to be taken seriously as it can be fatal but as I quoted above with good management you can live a normal life.

Thankfully Eden has seen that asthma won’t stand in the way of her dreams.

If you are affected by asthma or would like to learn more about it check out http://www.asthma.org.uk/index.html for professional and helpful advice.

Broken Links

Since my daughter died I have wore her ring on a chain around my neck.

I remember the day, the moment the hour we brought this ring. We were holidaying in Tenby and Eden had let Livvy wear a pretend ring she had won. Livvy was so happy about wearing it we decided to treat her with a real one.

She was so excited when we entered the jewellers, bless her she knew exactly which one she wanted. A beautiful silver band with a simple Amber stone.

The ring fitted perfectly as if it was made for her.

All around Tenby and for the following days Livvy would show anyone and everyone her new ring. She was so proud and happy.

The gift of memories!

Well back to the chain around my neck. This weekend it got broken.

I’m not sure how I felt, at first the shock made me numb. I hadn’t removed this chain for over 2 years. My neck felt so empty.

Then I slowly came to the realisation that the broken chain was a physical connection. My heart was full of the emotional connection.

I don’t need physical items to hold my daughter close I have the memories that are deeply buried in my heart in the depth of my soul.

My heart aches with the missing but I realise as I look at the broken links of the chain that I am forever connected to my baby.

The bond between a mother and a child is eternal.