Never the same

So Christmas is upon us and I am going crazy with lists, shopping, concerts, carol services and so much more.

Yet deep in my soul I am aching. Aching so deep the caverns in the earths core know my name.

The missing of Olivia at times is so very overwhelming that I cannot let myself go and fall into the whole spirit of the season.


My joy is tinged with a sadness that will not release me.

I buy presents for four children yet not for my blond haired blue eyes beauty.

I pack stockings but the one baring the name Olivia stays empty.

I’m trying to lift my head and be thankful for the season.

To remember the true reason for this celebration.

The gift of the birth of Jesus.

The hope in that stables birth.

Hope of eternal life.

Hope I can only find in my faith.

Peace in the promise.

Missing Olivia is so hard. Even now five years on the brokenness is so very raw.

I wait for it to become easier but it won’t!

How can it be?

How can my heart ever beat to the same tune of five years past?

How can I ever be the same again?

Will Christmas ever been the same again?

Will anything be the same again?

It cannot be.

Because simply


Its nearly over woo hoo.

So am I the only one breathing a sign of relief now that Christmas is nearly over.


I find it all so stressful, the wrapping of the presents the writing of the cards, the remembering of everyone names and the names of their children. It all sends me to the verge of insanity and lets not even mention the Christmas dinner.


At times i  have actually felt physically sick with all the stress and as you can imagine stress effects my illness and my body seems to just surrender to any virus’s going around. So far i’ve had the sickness bug twice and the flu, migraines you name it I will list it.


Of course the joy on my kids faces on Christmas morning was worth it. Even the teenagers were happy for a couple of hours.


But I am tired to my bones.


Its been a strange one but a good one, as i mentioned the teens have been bearable, the husband helpful and the two little ones well hyper doesn’t seem to come close to describing them. I admit to wishing they had an off switch over the last few days. Why does excitement have to be so loud and Autistic melt downs well they certainly wasn’t on my Christmas list.



So now I could do with just some down time, I’m slightly fed up of Christmas trees and flashing lights, toys going off randomly, gifts left in the living room as the bedrooms are full to bursting. Bins overflowing and half eaten selection packs.


Kids requiring food at least three times at day. ( I miss school dinners).


Television full of Christmas specials of soaps that i never watch throughout the rest of the year. Films that have been watched numerous times before.


Relatives visiting. (of course they were very welcome).

But ……

I  just need my order, my routine and just some peace and quiet.


So yes Christmas was lovely but yes I am ready for it to be over.


Am I alone in feeling this way?

The Polar Express – Review

Over the Christmas period we have tried to wind down in the evening with a good dvd, and thanks to my Christmas box from Warner Brothers last night I finally sat and watched  “The Polar Express.”

To be honest it did receive a mixed reaction from my household, with the majority of us loving it but the hubby wasn’t that impressed and fell asleep half way through. Personally i don’t think this had anything to do with the movie and more to do with him being a lazy bum.


Anyway back to the film, not to spoil the story but it is based on a young boy who has started to lose faith in Santa Claus growing up has him deciding to only believe in what he can see.


Enter in a magical train and a trip to the North Pole.

I love the magic of Christmas and while I have never made to much emphasis on the legend of Santa I love the season for its cheer and good will and this film has them in abundance.


The effects on the film are outstanding, at times the animation was so real that sometimes i forgot it wasn’t real.


It is a fantastic story which would be perfect to settle down to with the kids on Christmas eve or any night to be honest.


My youngest loved it and to quote my eldest daughters teenage boyfriend “its a classic”



Santa stories

Ok it’s that time of year again when we cannot avoid mentioning the man in the big red coat and hair all white.

Yes that right a week today Santa will be coming to visit us all.

Now I love Christmas but with two teenagers and two pre-teens the magical essence is beginning to wear off slightly.

In fact the horrible creatures are actually spoiling it for me.

It seems its uncool to sing carols anymore.

It is super uncool to wear tinsel in your hair and when I suggested a visit to Santa’s grotto they pretty much wet themselves. Did I mention they were horrid children!

So it’s back to my memories I go to my very first Santa visit with my first born. To be honest she was only 6 months old and I may have been just a little presumptuous taking her but visiting the local city and checking out the fantastic grottos of John Lewis and Rackhems. I had some of my most special childhood memories made there and of course like any loving mother ( yeah I know sick bucket required) I was desperate for my child to feel that magic and have wonderful memories of their own.


So there he was Santa dressed in all his Christmas finery open armed to receive on to his lap this beautiful chubby six month old angel. He is holding her close posing for the perfect photo, all the parents in line gushing about how cute she looks when disaster strikes, that cute adorable little girl takes hold of Santa’s beard and with a vice like grip yanks that beard with all her might. Letting the whole world, ok maybe just the line of waiting children know that Santa is in fact a clean shaved twenty something year old.

Oh my the shame, the tears, the tears. A line of children sobbing into their parents arms “Santa isn’t real” “Santa isn’t old”, “mommy that isn’t “Santa”.

It was certainly one of those moments when you want the ground to open up and swallow you whole.

I also wish the whole episode ended there but the adorable six month angel/devil refused to let go of Santa’s beard for at least 5 minutes more and eventually had to be bribed with chocolate buttons (bad mother i know)

And as she reached for those buttons I’m ashamed to say she did so with a handful of white pretend beard hair.

Oh the joys of parenthood.

Anyway please tell me I’m not the only one who has experience grotto nightmares.

I mean two years ago my youngest when asked by Santa what she wanted for Christmas replied “you know what Santa I don’t think you are real but my friends and I are going to play along for our moms ok”.

My 2nd oldest once informed the man in the red coat she was just covering all the bases. And that she had also asked Santa for something that wasn’t on her list, if she got it then she would know he was real if not oh well.

The joys of Christmas

As for dodgy looking Santa’s check my hubby stepping in to play the role when our own Father Christmas got stuck in a snow drift.


I love Christmas

Panasonic ES-Sl4 men’s electric shaver -Review

With Christmas fast approaching you may be searching for that perfect gift for your husband, son, brother.

Maybe I can help you in your quest here is the Panasonic ES-SL4-A electric shaver with its Milano 3-Blade system A Wet & Dry Men’s Shaver with Arc Foil (Italian Design)


Imagine a shave so soft and close it feels like a kiss. Our new Milan designed ES -SL41 glides over the curves of your face giving you such a gentle shave. On the run, or under the shower, the „Milano“ Wet/Dry shaver offers a close, quick, comfortable shave. The Milano’s easy to clean, water-through head, ensures hygiene and functionality – giving you a fresh shave every day. Experience an exceptionally close shave without the scrapes and discomfort of traditional wet shaving. Start your day with an arousing Panasonic experience.

I was given one of these to review for Panasonic and considering I don’t have the facial hair required for the job I roped in the husband and he became my human Guinea pig.

The first thing Alan requested was that I allowed him a few weeks to test out this shaver it seems that your skin reacts differently over time and you have to allow it time to get used to the new shaver. That was fine and now a few weeks on here is Alan’s opinion on the Panasonic Shaver.

Alan’s verdict

“Using a triple blade system was new for me as I had been using circular blades previously but I was genuinely surprised at the closeness of the first shave.

I was also really impressed with how close to skin the razor was allowing me to shave more often without the dragging of my skin.

I found this shaver best to use on a daily basis and did struggle a little when I had a few days growth. But even then the shaver got there in the end.

I also liked having a wet shave with this shaver a pleasant change and left my skin feeling refreshed too.

One of my favourite things was the ease in which you can wash it, so simple.

Not a bad shaver all in all. But personally I think it’s more suited to the younger generation as at times my hair was too coarse for the blades.”

So a thumbs up from Alan.

So there you have it, fancy treating the man in your life this Christmas check out the Panasonic ES-SL41-A. Or browse the Panasonic website for some more great gift ideas for all the family.

The White Company – Promotion

I love quality things,

I love classic things

I love items that are timeless

So it’s obvious when I was offered a discount gift code for The White Company I got rather excited.

I first came across this company about six years ago when a dear friend brought me one of their beautiful robes as a Christmas gift. The quality of the robe was outstanding then and now six years on it is still in fantastic condition.


So with Christmas upon us I’m excited to be able to share with you this gift code for an amazing 20% off with free delivery.


So seriously if you are after a beautiful gift for yourself or a loved one please go check out The White Company.

Also while you are there check out their new Christmas range, I have already got my eye on some of the tableware and decorations.