Christmas present.

On December 23, 2021December 23, 2021 By rebelwithkindnessIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

I cannot believe it’s Christmas in a few days. I have struggled with Christmas for as long as I can remember without going into details I have finally started to understand how childhood trauma can create a fear that may not seem reality to most but to those who have PTSD can be often overwhelming.

This is me.

I’ve tried for so many years to create the perfect Christmas to break the patterns of fear in my mind and to make sure those patterns were never created for my children. I wanted their memories of Christmas to be filled with wonder and excitement. I believe for them I have done this for myself it’s still a game of pretend.

Whilst I love the illusion of Santa I have never played the you better be good card on my children. The gifts they receive on Christmas Day are those bought by those that love them. We honour the tradition of Santa but also we celebrate the birth of Jesus. Yet there is no guarantees on what will be under the tree, yes we have listened to your wishes but also it is what can be afforded etc etc. But for me it’s about teaching the children about the love of the season, not making promises I cannot keep.

I listen to my children and live to see their faces when they receive something that had mentioned a while ago, it’s not about the gift it’s about the being heard.

This Christmas I’m struggling, it’s seems fear is the only thing I’ve managed to wrap and place under my tree. My anxiety has been on steroids I’m so tired of being fearful. So fed up of the nightmares of Christmas past I really wish Jacob Marley would just past to the light and leave me alone.

Christmas spirt just seems to be further away then ever. Yet for some reason this year my acting skills have left me I cannot pretend anymore I’m broken. Please don’t ask me what I want for Christmas I cannot cope with expectations. I was working on them but that Covid bitch stole my progress along with everything else.

I just don’t want to engage with the excess of Christmas I just want to hold Daniel in my arms and read him stories, watch some Christmas films and just be. I don’t want the noise, I want the calm and the peace. I mean Christmas is the celebration of the birthday of the prince of peace so why shouldn’t it be tranquil and gentle.

What do we have to go big and loud?

Why does it have to be too much?

Why does it have to be so full of fear?

Covid of course has done a dirty again on the season along with Christmas carols came the rising numbers. New variants, new restrictions and a new dose of blooming fear. I mean can Santa even visit if he has to quarantine after every sleigh flight? Seriously though how can people build joy without knowing what will happen.

It’s sucks it all sucks.

Yet I’m going to try and fight back, fight through the memories and try and change my own thought patterns. Try to learn to love the season again. Maybe understanding and acknowledging the past will allow me to fully embrace the future. Obviously working hard on your mental health in the middle of a pandemic hasn’t been easy but what else do I do with all this down time it’s not like I’ve been able to go anywhere (yes there is bitterness there). Covid is like a dodgy ex you think he is going away but no comes back with all the extra drama, showing up when unwelcome, bringing chaos and pain with it.

Yet allowing myself to feel has been worth it, sometimes the memories and emotions have felt more than I can face, but face them I have and although I may have boxed a few for another or never time, I have learned more about myself than ever. I know who I am deeper than ever before. Which is a mixture of bad and good, I mean we all have things we wish to change about ourselves.

So I am going to enjoy Christmas not in the excess way of the tv adverts or holiday promotions say it should be but our way. I am going to curl up under a blanket with Daniel and so many stories to share. I am going to veg out on the sofa and watch Christmas films that are cheesy and full of hope. I’m going to enjoy good food without the expectations of fancy tables and decorated plates. I’m going to cook extra and bless my elderly neighbours with a Christmas dinner I hope they enjoy and I’m going to breathe deep.

I’m allowing the past to wash over me and build myself memories that are different. The past doesn’t have to haunt you, you are allowed to leave it when it belongs in the days gone before you.

So bog off Christmas past and hello Christmas present, please leave the chains behind you.

Christmas with Snapfish

On December 9, 2016 By rebelwithkindnessIn reviews, UncategorisedLeave a comment

I’m getting so excited for Christmas, I love any and every excuse to give gifts. This year is a little extra special as it is our first one with our new little one. So with all this in mind I wanted to send out some special personalised Christmas cards to our family and friends. Thankfully as in previous years we turn to Snapfish for its great selection of personalised gifts and of a quality we are sure of.

Designing your own Christmas cards is so simple, from choosing your layout to card design. The real problem is choosing the photos you want to send.

I love my Christmas cards and I promise they are even cuter without the big black stars.

In fact whilst I was designing my Christmas cards my daughter got in on the act designing and ordering some fantastic mobile phone cases for her and her friend. How awesome are these?

Add a couple of personalised mugs for teachers I was one happy Snapfish customer

With a great selection of calendars, photo art and Christmas ornaments you are seriously spoiled for choice.

So if you are after a special gift for someone this Christmas or like me just love to have a personalised gift for yourself go visit Snapfish.

** I was gifted with a voucher to order some of these items but all opinions are my own and I do love Snapfish.

Magic in the moments

On December 24, 2015 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Wow I cannot believe it’s Christmas Eve already. I’m quite sure someone came to me in my sleep and stole away the last few months. It truly only feels like it’s September and that the kids have just gone back to school.

It’s a stark reminder how quick life can pass you by. How easy it is to get caught up in the stresses and chaos of life that you actually forget to live.

Over the last few weeks a couple of my friends have faced the ultimate pain of losing those they love. Watching them walk this painful pathway has made me think a lot about the way I’m allowing life stress me out. How I’m forgetting that each day is a gift that needs to be lived.

Livvy taught me about the “magic of the moment” but I think that somehow without her to remind me I’ve lost this a little.

My life is going to be busy in 2016, along with my family, my Universty course I have also become active in my local Labour branch. All these things are important to me and will require my time and energy. Yet I also have to remind myself to focus on the magic of the moment.

So as I wish you all a Merry Christmas I also ask you to join with me and as we head towards the new year looking forward with a sense of anticipation.

Be excited for all that’s to come but also remember to carefully find your magic in the moments.

Laugh until your sides ache.

Cry until you hiccup

And love with all your heart.

Find the magic in the moments, create those memories and make each day count.

Merry Christmas to you all xxxx

I’m still here

On November 30, 2015 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Hello, yes I’m still here.

I can only apologise for my lack of posts, life has been crazy. Besides the visit to London for the awards, numerous appointments and meetings I have also been writing my first assignment for my university course.

It’s been crazy.

To be fair I was not prepared for the step up in my life my degree was going to bring.

That’s not to say I’m not loving every minute of it, I really am. It’s just harder that I realised to carve quality study time into my days.

I’m learning so many new things that my brain may explode. Honestly academic writing has totalled slammed me. I love to write and normally find words tumble out of me easily but that’s when they are my own thoughts and feelings. Academic writing doesn’t want my opinion ( how rude) it wants me to explain my understanding of the research. It’s been a steep learning curve but I’m loving every minute though my husband may not. Seems I get a little grumpy when stressed, who knew 😳.

Anyway I submitted my first official full assignment for my degree. I cannot tel you how sick I was. I truly felt that I had handed my soul over. I know, I know I’m being dramatic but truly I was so sick with nerves. I don’t know if it’s because I’m older and attending university is my dream or if it’s simply my desire to do well but pressing that submit button made me almost vomit. It just matters so much to me.

Is that healthy?

Anyway I apologise for my absence and hope to be more frequent in posts but no promises.

Ooh and before I finish guess what?

It’s nearly Christmas arrrrahhh

The best Christmas gift that wasn’t for me.

On January 14, 2015 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, Uncategorized1 Comment

I have been so lucky this Christmas with some amazing presents. Yet my favourite gift was not one of mine, but it was one that really blessed my heart.

You see every Christmas my aunt and uncle sends gift envelopes for my girls. It is something they and I are completely grateful for. Also whichever foster child joins our family will also find themselves with a envelope with their name on Christmas morning.

This is so lovely and so appreciated,
Yet it’s isn’t these envelopes that really warm my heart.

It is the one that has still carried on coming every christmas for Livvy.

The sweet envelope with my beautiful daughters name is what makes my Christmas Day.

Knowing that she isn’t forgotten.

It’s a just little envelope that holds so much more than the money inside it.

More than the flowers the money will buy.

Losing a child is unbearable the shock comes first but then you are left with a lingering agonising pain.

It’s the pain of watching people move on with their lives that twists deep into your heart.

They move on without her.

I cannot bear the thought that Livvy will be forgotten and yes it’s something that causes such a panic within my heart.

So when this envelope comes along I am so grateful that my aunt and uncle are just taking a little time to say, “she isn’t forgotten”.

That for me is the best present ever.

Thank you Auntie & Uncle

Merry Christmas Livvy

On December 24, 2014 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

The last few days I have been so low. Whoever stole Livvy’s tree stole more than they could ever have realised from me. My whole Christmas spirit went along with it.

I couldn’t get my head around the fact that someone could steal off a child’s grave.

I mean how could they?

Yet again over the last few days something else began to shine through.

Compassion.

I have been uplifted by messages from friends.

People looking about for a new tree and lights.

It’s been this compassion that slowly lifted me from the darkness I was falling into.

Yet still yesterday I was sad, the empty place where the tree should have been was still hurting to see.

So imagine my excitement this morning when a friend called me to say she had found a tree. I was jumping for joy.

After two days of searching my baby was going to have a tree for Christmas.

My heart is so happy.

Decorating and placing this tree has really lifted my spirit.

I know not all will understand my need or my sadness but this is all I can do for my daughter now. I need to honour her.

Remember her.

It is important that her special place is decorated as our home is.

So thank you dear friend.

Merry Christmas Livvy.

Gift and Befriend

On December 18, 2014 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Each Christmas we always try to take time and remind our girls about the true meaning of the season.

Behind all the excitement of presents and the enormous amounts of food.

We remember those who haven’t what we have.

The girls get one monetary gift each year which they choose to donate to a charity of their choice or to buy something for someone in need.

So this year when I heard of the charity Gift and Befriend I was excited as this was the perfect way for my daughters to really see those they are helping and also giving them freedom over what they wish purchase.

Over at Gift and Befriend you register to become a giver you then get to learn about those in need known as the receivers and what they actually need from their own Amazon wish list. You then get to choose the items you would like to purchase from their lists and they get shipped directly to them.

I think this is a fantastic idea, especially as one of the main reasons I hear about people’s reluctance to donate to charities is their concern about how much the actual person in need really gets. This site take the fear away as you purchase and ship straight to the receiver of your choice.

I sat down with my youngest daughter Brodie and looked round the site

She really enjoyed reading the profiles and learning about those she could help. It took a while mostly due to her desire to help them all but Brodie decided she wanted to help little Moses, his story just touched her heart.

I know Christmas is always a financially tight time of year for many of us but before you buy that extra stocking filler maybe consider adding a gift to one of the receivers instead. I know my girls really appreciate this and its one of their favourite parts of Christmas.

Christmas shopping and kids who have the nerve to grow up.

On November 25, 2014 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

Christmas shopping, its one of those things that you either love or hate.

It’s something you look forward to with either excited anticipation or pure horror.

Personally I switch between both feelings.

I actually love buying gifts but I hate the crowds of people that seem to appear from anywhere and everywhere.

Last year I actually got bruises from one shopping trip.

My Christmas shopping experiences have really changed over the years.

Ten years ago I could pretty much guarantee the girls would love everything I chose for them.

Now as they have got older its seriously like walking a tightrope and I promise i have fallen off many times.

One of the things I used to really love to do was shopping for the christmas outfits.

Dressing the girls up in pretty sparkly outfits brought new for this special day.

I think if I tried to dress my girls this year there may be war.

Even though i try to email my girls photos of nice dresses or outfits I get a reply that normally says “REALLY” or the lest polite “DREAM ON”.

Seems where my older two are concerned I am best handing over the cash as they hit town with their friends or just pressing checkout on the baskets they send me via email links.

Seriously why do our children have to grow up, how inconsiderate of them.

Anyway thank goodness for my youngest who is still willing to humour me and sit beside me as we surf the web for an Christmas outfit.

10302160_10152855135869347_7029376192313060341_n

30 minutes and one Christmas outfit later I am a happy mommy again thank you Esprit

Never the same

On December 10, 2013 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

So Christmas is upon us and I am going crazy with lists, shopping, concerts, carol services and so much more.

Yet deep in my soul I am aching. Aching so deep the caverns in the earths core know my name.

The missing of Olivia at times is so very overwhelming that I cannot let myself go and fall into the whole spirit of the season.

My joy is tinged with a sadness that will not release me.

I buy presents for four children yet not for my blond haired blue eyes beauty.

I pack stockings but the one baring the name Olivia stays empty.

I’m trying to lift my head and be thankful for the season.

To remember the true reason for this celebration.

The gift of the birth of Jesus.

The hope in that stables birth.

Hope of eternal life.

Hope I can only find in my faith.

Peace in the promise.

Missing Olivia is so hard. Even now five years on the brokenness is so very raw.

I wait for it to become easier but it won’t!

How can it be?

How can my heart ever beat to the same tune of five years past?

How can I ever be the same again?

Will Christmas ever been the same again?

Will anything be the same again?

It cannot be.

Because simply

Its nearly over woo hoo.

On December 28, 2012 By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

So am I the only one breathing a sign of relief now that Christmas is nearly over.

I find it all so stressful, the wrapping of the presents the writing of the cards, the remembering of everyone names and the names of their children. It all sends me to the verge of insanity and lets not even mention the Christmas dinner.

At times i have actually felt physically sick with all the stress and as you can imagine stress effects my illness and my body seems to just surrender to any virus’s going around. So far i’ve had the sickness bug twice and the flu, migraines you name it I will list it.

Of course the joy on my kids faces on Christmas morning was worth it. Even the teenagers were happy for a couple of hours.

But I am tired to my bones.

Its been a strange one but a good one, as i mentioned the teens have been bearable, the husband helpful and the two little ones well hyper doesn’t seem to come close to describing them. I admit to wishing they had an off switch over the last few days. Why does excitement have to be so loud and Autistic melt downs well they certainly wasn’t on my Christmas list.

So now I could do with just some down time, I’m slightly fed up of Christmas trees and flashing lights, toys going off randomly, gifts left in the living room as the bedrooms are full to bursting. Bins overflowing and half eaten selection packs.

Kids requiring food at least three times at day. ( I miss school dinners).

Television full of Christmas specials of soaps that i never watch throughout the rest of the year. Films that have been watched numerous times before.

Relatives visiting. (of course they were very welcome).

But ……

I just need my order, my routine and just some peace and quiet.

So yes Christmas was lovely but yes I am ready for it to be over.

Am I alone in feeling this way?