Tag: Christian

Christmas present.

On By rebelwithkindnessIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

I cannot believe it’s Christmas in a few days. I have struggled with Christmas for as long as I can remember without going into details I have finally started to understand how childhood trauma can create a fear that may not seem reality to most but to those who have PTSD can be often overwhelming.

This is me.

I’ve tried for so many years to create the perfect Christmas to break the patterns of fear in my mind and to make sure those patterns were never created for my children. I wanted their memories of Christmas to be filled with wonder and excitement. I believe for them I have done this for myself it’s still a game of pretend.

Whilst I love the illusion of Santa I have never played the you better be good card on my children. The gifts they receive on Christmas Day are those bought by those that love them. We honour the tradition of Santa but also we celebrate the birth of Jesus. Yet there is no guarantees on what will be under the tree, yes we have listened to your wishes but also it is what can be afforded etc etc. But for me it’s about teaching the children about the love of the season, not making promises I cannot keep.

I listen to my children and live to see their faces when they receive something that had mentioned a while ago, it’s not about the gift it’s about the being heard.

This Christmas I’m struggling, it’s seems fear is the only thing I’ve managed to wrap and place under my tree. My anxiety has been on steroids I’m so tired of being fearful. So fed up of the nightmares of Christmas past I really wish Jacob Marley would just past to the light and leave me alone.

Christmas spirt just seems to be further away then ever. Yet for some reason this year my acting skills have left me I cannot pretend anymore I’m broken. Please don’t ask me what I want for Christmas I cannot cope with expectations. I was working on them but that Covid bitch stole my progress along with everything else.

I just don’t want to engage with the excess of Christmas I just want to hold Daniel in my arms and read him stories, watch some Christmas films and just be. I don’t want the noise, I want the calm and the peace. I mean Christmas is the celebration of the birthday of the prince of peace so why shouldn’t it be tranquil and gentle.

What do we have to go big and loud?

Why does it have to be too much?

Why does it have to be so full of fear?

Covid of course has done a dirty again on the season along with Christmas carols came the rising numbers. New variants, new restrictions and a new dose of blooming fear. I mean can Santa even visit if he has to quarantine after every sleigh flight? Seriously though how can people build joy without knowing what will happen.

It’s sucks it all sucks.

Yet I’m going to try and fight back, fight through the memories and try and change my own thought patterns. Try to learn to love the season again. Maybe understanding and acknowledging the past will allow me to fully embrace the future. Obviously working hard on your mental health in the middle of a pandemic hasn’t been easy but what else do I do with all this down time it’s not like I’ve been able to go anywhere (yes there is bitterness there). Covid is like a dodgy ex you think he is going away but no comes back with all the extra drama, showing up when unwelcome, bringing chaos and pain with it.

Yet allowing myself to feel has been worth it, sometimes the memories and emotions have felt more than I can face, but face them I have and although I may have boxed a few for another or never time, I have learned more about myself than ever. I know who I am deeper than ever before. Which is a mixture of bad and good, I mean we all have things we wish to change about ourselves.

So I am going to enjoy Christmas not in the excess way of the tv adverts or holiday promotions say it should be but our way. I am going to curl up under a blanket with Daniel and so many stories to share. I am going to veg out on the sofa and watch Christmas films that are cheesy and full of hope. I’m going to enjoy good food without the expectations of fancy tables and decorated plates. I’m going to cook extra and bless my elderly neighbours with a Christmas dinner I hope they enjoy and I’m going to breathe deep.

I’m allowing the past to wash over me and build myself memories that are different. The past doesn’t have to haunt you, you are allowed to leave it when it belongs in the days gone before you.

So bog off Christmas past and hello Christmas present, please leave the chains behind you.

Gentle?

On By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorized2 Comments

Oh my goodness when I read the word prompt for five minute Friday this week I just smiled at the irony, gentle on a day that was far from gentle for our saviour.

He was beaten

He was mocked

A crown of thorns placed on his head.

The nails hammered through his hands,

The spear pierced through his side.

Not gentle, not kind, not right.

Yet this man so gentle and kind bore this pain, bore this torture, died for us.

I struggle through Good Friday, I mean how can you find the words to honour this sacrifice. To breathe life into the holiness of the love Jesus had for me. I often find myself looking forward to Easter Sunday excited to celebrate the resurrection. Yet this time inbetween needs to be felt, this closed tomb needs to be understood.

How often in life do we focus on the good that’s coming. A journey is always about the destination, but is it? Shouldn’t we sometimes slow down and view the world that we pass As we start towards our end. Maybe we would see some wondrous sights or maybe not , yet to look is never a waste, to rush is to miss.

So as we sit in this in between time I often think of those that loved Jesus. How did they feel? Did they know without doubt that he would return? Did they trust? What would I have done, I mean I know I will be reunited with my daughter one day but I still grieve. This time in between feels hard. I know that come Sunday the tomb will be empty but this space is hard.

Yet I know without a doubt that I will hold my girl again.

Because of a gentle man who suffered a horrific death

because he loved me.

Jesus the gentle breath than fills my lungs with salvation. From nail pierced hands to my promise of eternity.

Not a gentle love, a saviours love.

Join in with five minute Friday. Write for five minutes on the word of the week. This is meant to be a free write, which means: no editing, no over-thinking, no worrying about perfect grammar or punctuation. Just write.

Mother’s Day love

On By rebelwithkindnessIn UncategorizedLeave a comment

Mother’s Day, a day where we come together to celebrate all things that are Mom in whatever form that comes, stepmoms, adopted moms, grandparents being mom and so many more.

Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world. The exhaustion of pregnancy, the labour of delivery, feeding, sleepless nights and so much more but yet it’s often the most rewarding role we will ever get to hold.

It’s tough and this last year has been a real struggle , ‘wow’ is pretty much all I can say about the last 12 months. From home schooling to the deep pit of fear that has been in your stomach since the words Covid 19 were first spoken, it’s been a year.

Still if I wish to challenge all moms a little now in fact probably all parents regardless of gender. What do you think is the one thing that is the hardest to cope with when being a parent?

Exhaustion, worry, finances,

Shall I share what I have placed on my heart this week. What God has wanted me to share with you all.

The hardest thing about being a parent

Expectations

These pesky little things that penetrate our minds and hearts.

I should be

I could be

If only

All turn into

I failed

I’m useless

I’m letting them down.

Now I’m coming to you as a mom of a five so a little experience here and also as professional of therapeutic childcare and I just want to state something here and I really want you to hear me.

You are enough

You are enough.

Our children enter this world with only a few needs, to be fed, to be warm and to be loved. Speaking confidently right now I am sure that each of your children are having those needs met. They are either grown and off living lives that you have encouraged and nurtured. They also could be there in your arms snuggling tight or even kicking out in your precious womb. They could be causing complete mayhem running around the house but all done in the knowledge that ‘they are loved’.

You are enough.

Yet we only have to look back the last 12 months and the changes this virus has brought into our lives. Homeschooling, isolation, exhaustion, fear. How many of use have felt lost, that they are failing?

My hands are right up in the air, me me.

I have watched social media posts of moms with beautiful converted classrooms with their children willingly working away. Houses spotless, make up perfect and I’ve literally cried. I have cried as Daniels homeschooling paperwork fell off the printer for the 15th time, cried as he completely ignored me as I tried to encourage him to work, sobbed at the state of my house and as for being perfectly made up, well I’ve had a shower and I’m saying Amen to that.

You see I couldn’t reach the expectations I had put upon myself and that’s ok. Because Covid 19 or not, being a mom is hard.

We mess up, we lose our temper and we suck at patience some days. Because motherhood didn’t come with super hero powers just the responsibility.

Anyway where am I going with this, well I’m leading to something I have personally took a long time to learn.

You don’t have to do this life alone.

As friends and family we are there to walk alongside one another. Reach out to friends, not only those at your stage at life. We have a wide breathe of generational wisdom to tap into.

But most importantly

Reach up, reach out to Jesus and ask him to walk alongside you. Ask for wisdom, hope and a big one for me, for patience.

Ask him to free you from the lies of the enemy that you are not enough. Free you from the untruth binding of expectations. To be beside you as you raise the next generation and to guide you as you walk this pathway of parenthood.

I ask you to look now at your child or if they are not with you bring them into your mind. As your heart swells of the love you feel for them as the love you have warms you to your very core, I want you remember.

I want you to remember

“We love because he first loved us.”
1 John 4:19

He loved us first,

He loved us first.

Remember that Jesus loves us as we love our children, that warmth you feel for your children he feels for you. He loves you to your very core.

and I want you to say this loud

“we are enough. “

I am enough.

Speak life

On By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I watched this video yesterday and loved it . The message is so simple and so true.

Words can heal.

Words can wound.

Words can make a day brighter.

Words can surround one in darkness.

Words can build one up.

Words can tear one down.

Words spoken.

Words typed.

Words in any form are powerful.

Choose your words carefully

and

Choose to speak life.

 

 

 

My word for 2014

On By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

As per the last few years I have decided to choose a word then represents all I wish to be this new year.

So for 2014 my word is

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I am so tired of being afraid. I struggle with so many fears and they are slowly driving me insane or as I’m sure my loved ones would say have already drove me insane.

No more

This year I am going to be BRAVE

Brave in friendship

Reaching out the hand of friendship. Building friendships old and new and allowing myself to let down my guard.

Brave for family life.

Spending quality time making memories rather than getting bogged down in other things.

Brave in my career

I am determined to push myself both in fostering and my writing and to achieve greater things with them.

Brave (and determined) to build up Livvy’s Smile

Raising more money and awareness so that we can make more memories, create more smiles and also support the causes that are dear to our hearts.

Brave in my studying

Putting the time in to get the qualifications I desire. To eventually get the career I dream of.

Brave in letting go of the past.

Leaving the past where it belongs and concentrating on building a future for my family and I. To stop allowing myself to be hurt all over again.

Brave facing my health fears.

Seeing the specialists, working on my fitness and general improving my health.

So there you go a few of the ways I wish to be Brave this year.

So this is my word for the coming year.

What’s yours?

 

 

 

I am proud of my scars

On By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, UncategorizedLeave a comment

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I came across this quote last night by The Alchemist author Paulo Coelho. It was one of those quotes that stopped me in my tracks as it is simply words that I could have written.

 

I look back in my life and the heartaches and suffering I have faced and realise that they are my scars and regardless if I want them or not they are my reminders of the life I lived and who I am today.

 

I’m not sure I am one of those people that believe that everything happens for a reason but I know I am a believer in the choices we have to make. Do we let our most painful moments destroy us or do we rise from them a wiser and sometimes stronger person.

 

I can not honestly say that I ever wished to lose Olivia but I can say that losing her has allowed me the empathy to walk along side other grieving parents.

 

I won’t ever admit to being grateful to be living in constant pain but I am grateful that I can understand and support others in the same situation.

 

These moments don’t  always have to be dramatic occurrences they can also be found in the simple things. The kindness you show to others can be the example you set for your children. The opening of your heart to a friend may allow that friend to open her heart to another.

 

Life is all about choices and the decisions we make at the hardest of times and at the easiest of times. They become the definition of who we are.

 

I am proud of my scars they are what made me who I am today.

Don’t pity me for being a blogger.

On By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, Uncategorized4 Comments

I am getting so tired of seeing the look on the faces of people when I tell them I’m a blogger. It’s as if in that single sentence I have become a second class citizen. As if my writing is nothing but a little hobby that I have taken too far. As if publishing my words is a cry for attention.

This makes me angry probably more than it should, but I am still working on those self belief issues.

You see I don’t write as a hobby.

I don’t write as a cry for attention.

I write and I blog simply because I love it.

When I first published a blog post it was in determination. I wanted to show that raising a child with Special Needs was hard yes, but that it also brought you a lot of joy. I was tired of people feeling sorry for me for having Olivia. I wanted them to see what a gift she was to me.

I wanted to share my ideas and experiences with anyone that was willing to read.

After Olivia died I considered giving up blogging. I felt that I have nothing left to share. Then somehow I found myself writing about my grief and my pain. I expected these posts just be shared between family and friends but then I found other grieving parents contacting me telling me that my words were helping them. That they were finding comfort and strength in my posts.

So I carried on writing

In the last 6 years my blog has become my friend. Its a place I bare my soul and times yes I may over share but I do wear my heart on my sleeve and my writing shows this. I cannot make apologies for who I am.

This blog has been on a journey with me. As my tagline states “a journey through this chaos we call life”.

This blog has brought me some amazing opportunities. I have attended some great events and received the opportunity to write some fantastic reviews.

It has also given me a platform to educate and inform people about Special Needs and Rett Syndrome.

This blog has brought me into contact with people who have become friends, dear friends.

But beyond all this, on this blog I have found freedom.

Freedom to allow the words that have been running around inside my head a place to fall out. The endless journals of bygone days are now being filled here in my virtual diary.

I can accept some may never understand why I blog. But please don’t pity me for being a blogger. I am blooming proud of this piece of cyberspace I call home.

Dear Olivia – 5 years too long xxx

On By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, Uncategorized9 Comments

Dear Olivia

Today marks the 5 year anniversary of your death. Anniversary sounds so wrong. Its meant to be the celebration of something. But I don’t celebrate your death, how could I when the missing of you has left my heart beating to a broken beat.

I can try to celebrate your life but even that isn’t so easy when all I want to do is scream that a life lived only for nine years isn’t enough.

Though as quote states “life is not measured by the breathes we take but the moments that take your breathe away.”

Now these are the moments I can relate to. Those one in a million moments that’s you packed into your short time here in this world. Those crazy moments that filled our hearts with such overwhelming love.

From the moment you entered this world you lived life with a purpose that I am only yet understanding. 

You came to change. You changed me, your dad, your sisters, grandparents and so many more.

Anyone who had the blessing to know you left being touched in a way we still cannot find the words to describe. 

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People have told me you were an angel and thats why we only had you for a short time. I’m not sure if an angel is the right description but you certainly was my inspiration.

I watch the videos of you and look at the photos and its as if I can almost touch you. I try to convince myself that you are just in another room and try to hide my heart from the truth that you have gone. I play the clip we have of you laughing and close my eyes. Its as if for that moment you are right there beside me. I hear your laughter, I feel your presence.

I still don’t understand why we had to lose you. If there is a bigger picture I cannot see it. I am so thankful for my faith as its the only thing that gives me hope. The promise that we will be together again.

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Your sisters are so grown up now. Kennedy is preparing for university next year. I tease her about leaving home but its going to be hard. Every since I lost you I am so scared for them. I want to wrap them up in cotton wool and keep them safe.

Do you watch over them?

They all miss you so terribly each in there own way. Brodie hurts desperately she misses her partner in crime so much. I remember how wherever we went she shared the moment with you. Pushing your wheelchair so you could see things.  Do you remember the penguins? How you loved to sit and watch them. You in your chair and Brodie by your side. Dad and I was convinced we were never going to be able to leave. You were transfixed, giggling as they splashed into the water.

I still can’t believe its been five years, my heart still feels like it was yesterday. So raw inside. 

Grief is a funny thing, I don’t understand how its supposed to work, “time is a great healer” is the worst lie I have ever heard.

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I often find myself wondering about heaven. Is that crazy? I wonder what its like there for you. I take comfort from the fact that my grandparents are there with you. I know Grandad is looking after you for sure. I remember saying to your dad when your were diagnosed how much I wish he had been here then. How he would have been your best friend, the hours he spend teaching me to read, count and write would have been there for you too. He would have learned all about Rett Syndrome and all about your therapies. I know that you are free from Rett now but I do hold the fact that he is there with you in my heart.

 

These last few years your best friends have joined you. I hate that their parents are feeling this agony but I know that between you, Ryan and Rachel there is a lot of laughter in heaven.

 

Livvy this is so wrong. I should be lying on the sofa right now holding you in my arms. You should be sending sweet looks over to your dad for his chocolate.

 

Its all so wrong but its whats happened and what we have to face. 

 

You and your sisters are my inspiration. You all are the reason I wake each morning knowing how blessed I am.

 

I miss you honey so much it physically hurts but I am trying so hard to make you proud. Trying to make a difference in the lives of others just as you did.

 

You are my inspiration, my hope!

 

Livvy five whole years has passed since that fateful morning. I still have flashbacks now.  Could I have done anything?  Why my girl?  Why my daughter?

 

I have no answers.

 

But regardless of the whys I still give thanks.

 

I am so thankful that I got to be your mom.

 

 I am so thankful for the nine years I got to love and care for you.

 

I am so thankful.

 

I miss you my beautiful girl and I will continue to miss you until we are reunited.

 5 years too long xx

My heart beats to a broken drum.

My life’s jigsaw will alway be missing a piece.

My beautiful, adorable minx how do we survive with out you?

I am trying my very best.

What I would give for one more day, one more moment.

Five  years missing you , is five years to long.

I love you my baby girl.

My sweet precious Tinkerbell.

Until forever.

I love you to the moon, stars and back again.

Mom xxxx

 

 

 

 

Organic God – booksneeze review

On By rebelwithkindnessIn reviews, UncategorisedLeave a comment

* I was sent an electronic copy of this book for the purpose of this review from Booksneeze

I review for BookSneeze®

I chose this book hoping for something to draw me closer in my relationship with God.

The front of the book states

“Fall in love with God all over again”.

I’m sorry but it didn’t move me at all.

Don’t get me wrong it’s a nice book the sharing of the authors stories and her moments, but it just left me cold.

I really struggled to finish it and have only done so for the purpose of the review.

Just not one for me.

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Bare

On By rebelwithkindnessIn Uncategorised, Uncategorized3 Comments

Sometimes I wonder if anyone sees the real me

Sometimes I wonder if I actually know the real me under the fronts I use for protection

The mom

The wife

The daughter

The friend

I wonder if anyone can see me stripped down and bare.

Would anyone like what they see?

I start the day with a smile that hides so many things, worries, fears.

Exhaustion, exhilaration

But am I really bare without the roles I play.

Or are my roles pieces of the jigsaw that is in truth who I am.

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Joining in again with Lisa-Jo’s Five minute Friday