The song of loss

As I sit on the bench at Livvy’s special place. I just watch as people come to visit their loved ones.

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The elderly man who comes everyday to visit his wife. He bends tentatively to the ground laying his flowers for the lady he cared for through the last years of her life. The woman he had loved for over 50 years still loving upon her now.

The middle aged woman who tends the grave of her parents with the kindness they shown her throughout her life. Missing her moms sweet laughter ,her fathers sage advice.

The woman who tends the grave of her son who lies across from Livvy. She is there everyday still looking over him as mothers do. Her heart aching for a son who is now out of her reach.

All of us from different places from different lives but united in grief.

Our pain is there in our eyes for the whole world to see.

As we tend the graves of the ones we miss so desperately. Our hearts beat yet each missing a piece.

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Trying to move on in a life we can never fully connect too. A life that is full of shadows of the ones we grieve for.

I lay Livvy’s yellow roses and as the sweet smell reaches my nose my heart is burning. Burning with the missing.

I look at her photo, that smile that I ache for everyday.

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Those eyes so full of mischief never to hold my gaze again.

I look up with tears as the old man gently taps my arm.

It’s doesn’t get easier” he says. I cannot answer for the words are lost in my throat.

No it doesn’t get easier. Over time I guess we learn to carry our burden a little higher.Hiding the pain in a way that makes people think we are healing.

But a broken heart doesn’t heal. It just beats to a different drum.

The grief march.

A tune no one wishes to learn.

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Yet one that once you know will haunt your soul.

The notes of missing

The notes of longing.

The notes of pain.

The song of loss.

Four Years

Somedays I can reach out to a photo and almost touch her. I close my eyes and smell her sweet baby powder aroma.

She isn’t gone,

it was all a horrid dream

My baby is still here with me.

But those somedays are few, for the most part she is out of my reach.

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Like a memory balancing on the edge of a cliff waiting for that one gust of wind to allow it to fall into the abyss of forgetting.

The mind is an amazing thing but at times it goes into protection mode to allow you to survive.
To stay in that emotion filled place is impossible your sanity wouldn’t survive.
So your mind protects, defends and shields your heart.

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It’s been four years since that devestating morning.

Four years since we last witness that beautiful smile or heard that infectionious giggle.

Four years since my heart laid shattered into millions of pieces.

I’m still numb, still praying it is just a evil nightmare.

People ask the question “how do you cope?”

What a misnomer, who is coping? I’m surviving simply by grace alone.

Holding on to my girls as the breathe I need for my lungs.

Holding on to my husband as the strength I need to get out of bed each morning.

Holding on.

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My heart is in protection mode and there is will stay because I cannot live in that place.

That place of reality, that place of an untruth.

Because She isn’t gone, she is just out of reach for a while.

I hold on to the promise

I hold on to the gift of eternity.

One day I will hold her again.

One day I will be reunited

One day forever will be ours.

One day the pieces of my heart will be restored.

So I’m holding on

Holding on for that one day.

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Four years may seem like a lifetime but it will be a blink of an eye in eternity.

I miss you Miss Olivia Georgia, not a moment goes by when I don’t, but one day my precious daughter we will be together again and nothing, nothing will part us.

Love you to the moon, stars and back Liv Biv my beautiful precious girl.

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